Remembering Morgan

On the day Morgan ended her life and we left the hospital to come home, we were greeted by a swarm of dragonflies.

9 Months Old
 Bailey & Morgan

Kindergarten

Looking back now I remember the last time we had seen so many together. It was after my grandfather had passed away and we had taken the twins to my in-laws trailer for the day. We decided to take the long way home and we had a swarm of dragonflies follow us and surround us most of the way home.

They say they represent change, transformation and adaptability but also joy and invite you to dive deeper into your emotions. Well I don’t think these two events could have meant all of us diving deeper into our emotions.

It’s been a year. The longest, emotion filled, time consuming, reflective and eye opening year me and my family has ever had to go through.

Reflecting….. Seems many who face a loss reflect on times of happiness and how you continue on. For me I soon realized what I could tolerate in life and what I couldn’t. I no longer tolerated petty complaining, those who didn’t serve a purpose in my life and more importantly I realized just how short, precious and cruel life can be.

Grade 2

No matter how long you have been healing when you lose someone to suicide the “what if’s” & “If only’s” never go away and they never stop. If only I hadn’t stopped to grab magazines, if only we hadn’t stopped to grab Morgan’s guitar books, what if I had stayed home with her, but reality is nothing I or we did or didn’t do would have made a difference.The fact is my baby girl, the youngest of five, is no longer with us physically.



Fall 2008

The fact is we all will remember and do everything we can to continue on without her by our sides. The one child who always cuddled with me and cried on my shoulder about the evils of the world, the one who was always the first to great family at the door with a hug and the last to hug them when they left, the one who always felt the way no child should feel, the one who always seen the good in everyone and everything no matter how they made her or others feel, and
the one who gave life meaning when all hope and faith was lost.

On June 27^th 2014 this world lost a young woman determined to change it for the good what all it did was hurt and break her. In the end the hurt and pain was too much for a young mind and body despite the old soul she was.


I think back to every memory, every smile, tear and every hug, head butt, kiss and I love you mama, but also every annoying habit, the sibling fights (and man her and her twin could fight) every push for independence, everything a parent complains about and I am left thinking WOW.




Christmas 2009

Grade 3

 Every time a parent complains, wishes things were different, wishes their child would just listen, I am left thinking yet again “if only”. If only I could hear her yell down the stairs that Bailey used her makeup, if only she was here to stomp up the stairs cause for a 90 pond girl she always sounded like a herd of elephants going up and down stairs and if only I could hear I love you mama one more time.

As much as we as parents think it’s annoying to hear them complain of fight with us/siblings, trust me, without it in your house life becomes quiet and silence is not always good and what we want.



Grade 4

I see parents and teens on phones or other technology when out on what should be a family get together and I think “how can you not engage or talk to each other”. I want to tell them that in a blink of an eye your world and life can change and YES it can be your family! Enjoy your children, live with them and make memories with them so they have those to reflect on when you’re gone or in our case we can look back on because she is gone!



Christmas 2011

Today, June 27^th, will be hard without a doubt but I refuse to just let my daughter be another “high profile” teen suicide cause by the effects of bullying. What I choose for her memory and honour is a young girl who wanted change in this world for all so they could feel safe wherever they were, so they could look in the mirror and be proud of what they seen looking back at them, that each and every person is seen as an equal despite their differences and to help heal those who need it.

I want for her to be the face of change; the reason why we stop the abuse children put each other through and be the face of change for all children in this generation and future generations.



Cheer Provincial Champs
2012

What I choose for Morgan’s Mission Memorial Society is a society that fights for change, that researches and educates others (youth, teens and parents alike), and who is personally there for other families faced with the same issues we have been through. Why? Because THIS is who Morgan was and forever will be.



Grade 6 2013
 

We are not a family who has suffered a loss and is lost in grief but a family of survivors who have faced reality and walked right through every damn thing that this year has thrown at us!

Morgan Lynn Dunbar is and always will be the daughter to Natasha Lee Dunbar & Gregory Lloyd Dunbar, Sister to Amber, Emillee & Austin Jenkins, identical twin to Bailey Anne Dunbar, Proud aunt to April Lee Savoy who was her pride, joy and love of her life, Granddaughter to Doug & Paulette Jenkins and Kevin & Rosanne Dunbar, Great granddaughter to Dorothy Everett and Doris Foster, Niece to Jeff, Brandi (DJ) and Tiffany (James) Jenkins & Chris (Ashley) Dunbar, Cousin to Kobe, Taylor, Brynlee, Dezi, Shayla, Shawn, Kiera, Kelsey and Brody, and best friend to Isobel, Riley, Taylor, Sarah and many many more. I have yet to meet someone who knew her that wasn’t touched by her in some way.



Easter 2014

So today, one the first angelversary, we will not mourn the loss of Morgan but celebrate her short 13 years of life and everything she stood for. She is missed and loved dearly and forever will be missed and loved beyond words. Nothing will ever change that.




June 2014
Two weeks before her death
Pictured with her niece April

What will change is how one girl can & will be the face of change so that others will never have to face the same torment & abuse she endured. That other will have the help & resources needed when she didn’t have them to help her get that light back at the end of the tunnel and lastly how society looks at bullying/cyber bullying and mental health illness in youth & teens.

THIS is what Morgan always wanted for everyone. A life free from fear, abuse and help for all those who need at the time they need it the most.

So please, today light a candle, porch light etc. and remember not just Morgan but all those who have been lost to suicide, bullying and mental illness and maybe just maybe talk to your children about the evils of the world and ask them what we can do to make it better for them.

June 2013

 

             
 
 
 
 

Learning to Live Again

Learning to live again after any tragedy is a process but after a suicide you go through a process like no other.

The first year you are numb, you feel you can't breath; you hurt all over, and feel like you will never live again. You exist but you don't live. The first year you are learning how to cope and deal with the pain, the unanswered questions and all the what if's you can possibly think of. It's hard there is no other way to explain it. You exist through all the first holidays, and you count every month until you reach that first year. Then what? Then you have to learn to live again.

In the second year you are learning to live your life again. Finding ways to see the good in the world, things that bring you joy, and ways to keep going that make you feel alive again.

Everyone will have things that helped them, like taking time to enjoy the small things that once brought you joy, taking time to write down three things each day that made you smile or doing those small things you enjoyed that always brought you happiness.

For me it’s about finding my purpose again. Finding what will make me feel as whole as I can while a piece of me is gone. Nothing or nobody will ever fill that empty place in my heart that was once held by my baby girl but I need and want to find a way to live again.

The things I once enjoyed up to now have held little to no joy in my life. I find picking up a book to read it allows my mind to wonder, picking up my camera to take photos brings back memories of taking photos of everything that my children did, and anytime I feel that pull to do a craft I am reminded of the times my dining room would be filled with the smell of glue, and glitter all over the dining room floor. So how do I learn to live again?

The answer is not simple nor is it easy but it is what my daughter would want. It will be a process like everything else that has been during the last year. I will try different tips and I will start doing the things I once enjoyed again and welcome those memories as the flood back. I will start writing again and challenging myself to do new things and go places we always wanted to go. Why because that is what you do when you are living. You make those plans, take those trips and enjoy every moment you have living your life. It won't be easy and it will bring a lot of tears but those tears will be brought on by happy memories that I will welcome.

Learning to live again will also mean accepting every holiday as a challenge and every occasion we celebrate with Bailey as bringing both happiness and tears knowing she should be celebrating those with her twin sister. From getting her permit, starting high school, every birthday, graduating high school, getting married and starting a family are just some things that will pose a challenge for both Bailey and us as a family.

Learning to live again will mean planning vacations and trips we always wanted to do with the girls so they could see their country and experience all we could offer them.

It means taking time for me to do everything I once loved and learn to love them again and not feel guilty for smiling and laughing.

It means taking time to spend with my husband free from guilt when Bailey isn't with us every single moment out of fear something may happen to her.

Learning to live again means getting over all that fear you have that something is going to happen to the last child you have at home. This is something that is harder to get over then anyone could ever imagine. We are trying but it is a process that you can only explain and taking your worst fear and facing it every single moment of every single day.

The next year will be filled with emotion yet again however this time we will welcome it and learn to enjoy life once again because THIS is what Morgan would have wanted us to do.

Bullying Is Really Just Peer Abuse

Bullying has surpassed anything we ever had grown up with. It has even changed in the 6 years between my oldest and youngest. This is a problem. What was once a school yard issue has now become a global epidemic that has not only taken over our school yards but also our homes. By keeping legislation regarding bullying just in the Education Act we are putting more stress on teachers and schools that they are not able to deal with, they are teachers not law enforcement. Bullying does not only happen during the school day or the school year, if we keep the legislation the way it is school officials will have to make themselves available 24/7 365 days a year. Why should they have to do that?? Also by keeping it only in the Education Act we are giving the schools and school boards control over what happens in our homes. This is not going to sit well with many parents, while many will want to be made aware of cyber bullying or bullying happening under their roof many will not want the schools being able to enforce punishment for something that happens outside of the school year/day. This is why it needs to become a police matter. Schools are not trained nor are they equipped to deal with situations that are criminal in nature. Yes they need to work in cooperation with the police/RCMP but, they as teachers are not law enforcement officers.

Another huge part of the problem is the fact that there is nothing in regards to dealing with it as far as real legislation or education. We need to educate youth and adults on how it has changed and all the long term effects it has on those who are bullied. Bullying does more long term mental health harm then child abuse.  Why do you think this is? Simple, because teens and youth look to peers for acceptance and when that need isn’t met it is damaging to the victim. As much as we would love for our youth and teens to want our approval as parents and adults that reality is that’s not how it works.

Bullying, no matter what spin you want to put on it is PEER ABUSE. Call a spade a spade if you will. Let’s turn the tables shall we. If an adult physically harms another adult it is assault and a crime, if an adult sexual assaults or harasses an another adult it is sexual harassment or sexual assault and a crime, if an adult stalks another adult it is a crime, if an adult intentionally tries to ruin a reputation of another adult it is defamation of character and a crime. So why are all these behaviour acceptable for youth and teens to do to each other? This is allowing the behaviour to be seen as acceptable. What we are doing is allowing a pattern of abuse to continue. If these behaviours are allowed to continue without repercussions we will see an increase in abusive relationships in high schools, colleges and universities, we will see an increase in child abuse cases and in domestic violence. You will also see an increase in drug and alcohol abuse/dependency as they try to self medicates as well as an increase mental health illnesses. As these pre- teens and teens grow with the thought that this behaviour is normal, a right of passage, or boys being boys/girls being girls, they will continue to think that as they enter into adulthood. Therefore allowing the cycle of abuse to continue and worsen into future generations. Why you ask?  Because this is where the pattern of abuse is born and formed. If we allow those who “bully” to get away with it at a youth and impressionable age they will continue to escalate and carry on that abuse in power. Let’s face it power in the wrong hands in addictive that can and will be taken advantage of. All these behaviours if allowed to continue will add even more strain to the legal and medical systems that are already spread too thin. You want to stop the cycle then it needs to happen before it starts through proper education and consequences held through proper legislation.

We are seeing this pattern already with the increase in work place bullying and “trolling” online.  Adults are responsible for setting the example and not allowing the pattern/cycle of abuse to continue. Awareness, Education, Legislation and Prevention are all vital parts to the puzzle that can and will fix this growing epidemic. Bullying needs to be addressed the same way as an adult abusing another adult. We just need to add education to the mix.

Bullying and more importantly cyber bullying is evolving faster then we can keep up. Even in the last 6 years I have seen and witnessed the escalation in bullying and the harmful and devastating effects it has had on our youth/teens and their families. Sadly this is something our family knows first hand.

Today our youth are being exposed to technology earlier and earlier however we are not teaching them the dangers and responsibilities that come with it. Did you know the average age a child gets a cell phone is 6 years old? How many parents buy video game consoles and allow online gaming? We are allowing video game systems in their bedrooms yet we tell parents to keep computers in common areas, why?? Video game consoles are in fact computers that can access everything that a computer can access. You allow Internet gaming you are allow your child to play with grown men and women in a space that is behind closed doors.

Technology has changed bullying to a whole new level of assault that we are not keeping up with. It is allow individuals or groups of people to create hate/abuse pages or sites that hundreds even thousands can attack one or a small group of individuals. It allows people to attack and slander others without them even knowing who is doing it. It allows many to take everyday photos and create hurtful messages and post those for everyone to pass around. And if one teen takes an intimate photo and sends it to one person even those are sadly finding their way online. Yes we do have laws to protect those against child pornography however we are not doing enough to educate and change how teens use the Internet and what they put out there for all to see. We need to teach them that their “cyber” footprint is there forever.

As generations have gone through school some curriculum has changed to adapt to the changes in society. However other areas that need to be updated or need to be added are not. For a prime example, we are living in a world where technology is primary focus in youth and teens. Their lives are online. BUT because of this fact we are losing compassion, empathy and kindness. These qualities still need to be in humanity therefore we need to teach these children to have these traits and why they are so important. Another example is we are teaching them to use technology but we are not teaching them the dangers, the manners, their cyber footprint and how it always follows them, and we are not teaching them what not to do.

With the growth in technology we are also seeing a growth in cyber crime. A rise in online abuse, trafficking, child pornography, individuals crashing and hacking into major industries is all happening and our laws and legislation are not keeping up. We do everything from homework to checking our bank accounts to everyday socializing online now. If these behaviours were done face to face there is more to protect these individuals however online there is not.

Legislation needs to be a part of the solution. As younger and younger generations get into government they will have a better understanding but by the time this happens they will be dealing with an epidemic so large it will take generations to fix and be rid of. In mean time, more and more teens will make the choice to end their lives because of the level of abuse they face online at the hands of their peers. As well as the demand for mental health care will increase to a point our system will never be able to keep up resulting in more and more youth/teens falling through the cracks of an already broke system.

A Year of Reflecting

Two weeks, wow! Two weeks till the end of another school year. Well at least it is for our house. For others it will mark the start of exams. For us it will mark the hardest part of the last year. The anniversary of our daughter’s suicide on June 27th will mark one year.

The last year has had a lot of ups and downs, trials and errors, smiles and tears and a lot of other emotions. We have also been lead on a path of self discovery and not necessarily by choice.  We have found out a lot about ourselves and even more about others.

We are very fortunate to live in a community that has been amazingly supportive and agrees change is needed. The last year we have discovered that when you lose a member of your family to suicide people look at you differently. Those who you thought would always be there disappear and those you never expected to be friends become close to you. Some family drifts apart while once strained relationships find themselves mending.

Suicide is a topic so many choose to shy away from for many reasons. Either they have been effected by it themselves, are scared, or honestly just don't know how to start the conversation.  This has always been an easy topic for me having been affected by suicide long before Morgan. In high school I lost two friends to suicide, I have worked with people who have lost a loved one to suicide, a few years ago I lost a childhood friend to suicide and the year we moved across the country my oldest lost a friend to suicide. For me the biggest point I needed to make to family and friends when telling them about Morgan's death was that nobody was to get mad at her, nobody was to blame her and nobody was to lie about how she died. It was a suicide, plain and simple.

Spending a year reflecting has been hard. I have been hard on myself with choices I have made and make. The last few weeks have been really hard as I have been piecing together the last year and 9 months. I have watched a young girl turn into a young woman over night, a father becomes a pillar of strength when needed, and I have watched me lose a piece of myself that I am unable to get back.

Suicide changes you. It changes the survivors. There is no going back, there is no normal anymore and there are always unanswered questions. Those are the hardest for me. I am someone who has to have or be able to find the answer for everything. To me there is no answer as to why and for me that's hard to accept.

Suicide does not just take your loved one from you it takes much more then that. For me it has brought on anxiety that was once under control, it has damaged relationships, and pushed people away. I have watched Bailey lose friends because she isn't the same, I have watched her struggle to cope with the empty feeling she has with her twin sister not being here. And I have watched a father who never doubted leaving his wife and daughter home now become a ball of wild anxiety when he has to leave for a few days/weeks for work or school.

Suicide robs you of your life in so many ways, if you let it.

The last year has been a wild wind of emotions, without a doubt. BUT, we are still here and we are still surviving. Now we have to spend the next year learning to live again. Not just survive but live.

Living is so much more then surviving. The last year has for the most part been a fog. Yes a lot has happened but it has been a fog. Now as we are reaching the one year mark that fog is lifting and telling us its time to live again. We will always be a suicide survivor family but we have to be a family who lives too. Morgan wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

So no matter how much reflecting I sit and do it comes down to this. I lost my baby girl to a preventable illness brought on by individuals who pushed her past her breaking point (which in my opinion totally preventable as well). I now have a daughter who will suffer PTSD for the rest of her life as there is no cure, we as adults are just a little better able to deal with ours then she is hers. She will also always struggle with anxiety, why because she has gone from having that one person who was always suppose to be by her side to not having her and losing a bond that not too many can understand.

Reality is this is my life! I have spent a year reflecting so now I get to spend that next year learning to live again. My only hope is that through my journey I am able to help another who is stuck and not sure how to go on living and not just surviving.

I am ok, I will be ok. I am surviving, we are surviving but now we need to be living.