When Suicide Hits Your Family

November 27th marks 17 months since Morgan's suicide.
Three weeks and two days is how long since we lived that nightmare again when her twin sister attempted suicide and thankfully survived.

Suicide is not a stranger in our family. Sadly. Suicide seems to show its ugly side all to often in our home.

Many have heard the story of our daughter Morgan and how we lost her to suicide after bullying pushed her so deep into depression she couldn't find her way back. You have also heard her twin sisters story of her attempt and surviving. however what many have not heard is my own battles with these demons.

When I was 21 I knew something was wrong and went to a counsellor to find out what it was. I mean to sit and think that the knife in your kitchen can easily slice through your wrist or those bottles of over the counter pain pills could put you into a forever sleep isn't normal, or even thinking sitting on your third story window ledge and falling backwards would kill you in an instant is not how a normal person thinks. Sadly these thoughts are all to normal for someone who battles borderline personality disorder. These are demons that in the face of what I call "moments of darkness" can show themselves. Not only these demons but also pain and thoughts so vile that you do whatever you can physically to rid them of your mind. This is where self harming comes into play.

At 21 they toyed with the idea that I was bipolar due to mood swings and suicidal thoughts. However I could control many of the impulses. They tried medication which I reacted badly to. At one point I was taking pills to go to sleep, pills to wake up and another to get my through the day with no mood swings. I reacted badly and they made things worse so I stopped taking them. I did many different sessions for anxiety, depression and anger management along with psychotherapy. While the therapy worded for me to better control my emotions, anger and flashbacks they did nothing for the thoughts of suicide or the wanting to self harm. I was then sent back to the doctor where they finally realized it wasn't bipolar it was BPD. Thankfully this disorder for the most part stabilizes over time and with the right coping techniques you can live a normal life. Shortly after I was diagnosed I became pregnant for the twins.

The funny thing for me is with every pregnancy I couldn't have felt better! No mood swings, no thoughts of suicide or self harm, no insomnia NOTHING!

As time went on and I started noticing changes in my children going through their teen years I honestly forgot my own battles BUT I could relate. I could explain to people how one could self harm and the reasons why they do it. I could explain that while cutting seems to be the choice of everyone that it isn't the only method of self harming. I could also relate to the not caring about the choices you made that could put you in a life threatening situation. But it didn't help me cope with my own issues that were being brought to the surface.

On June 27th we found Morgan after she had completed suicide in her room she shared with Bailey. That has sadly started a spiral of ups and downs not only for Bailey but myself. I found myself wanting and needing to be with her but able to tell myself Bailey and my other children still needed me. I found myself unable to cope with stupidity and people who complain, but I was able to remember that I cant control what others say or do, I also found myself living the thought process I did when I was younger always worrying about what other people where thinking or saying.

This sucked ass!

As time went on and the numbness of losing Morgan faded away I found myself battling my own demons once again. The worry, the fear, the mental pain so bad you HAVE to do anything to get rid of it, and then it hit me. I was pushed back into a time where my mind knew how to protect itself. I had regressed. So I did what any adult would do and pushed forward and healed myself in ways I knew would work. And it had, until 3 weeks and 2 days ago.

When I got the call from the school that they were taking Bailey to the ER that she had finally admitted to taking three bottles of pills my world fell apart. What pieces where fitting back together ever so nicely where broken all over again. It is normal, and its all part of opening old wounds but for someone who has fit pieces back together their entire life this just left everything sitting there with no hope of being put together again.

I will never be who I was before and I have to stop thinking I will be. I will never be who I was before we lost Morgan nor will I be the same person I was before Bailey attempted. That is life and I needed to accept that.

Last week I hit that point. Those on my FaceBook know the post I am referring to. My life is not about what others think, say or do. Period! If I want to post how I feel and you think it is referencing you then hunny you best look at yourself and I will say this, no it has nothing to do with you because I DONT CARE! If I am talking about someone then they will know because that is their business and not the worlds. If I post a general post and you think it is directed at you then honestly if the shoe fits, wear the bitch! but do not message or post asking me about because I will tell you straight up. I am done playing. I am taking the stance that if you don't pay my bills then you have no say in what I do, if you are not sleeping in my bed then you have no say in what I do or how I spend my time, unless you are listed as a close friend or relative (and even then beware) you don't get to tell me how I should be healing myself, and lastly if you are not in my inner most circle then do not tell me I should be worrying about how my daughters death and daughter near death has affected you or your family cause darling I DONT CARE! And do not try to tell me what is best for my daughter cause unless your going to spend countless nights laying with her and watching her, taking her to all of her appointments and fighting with her doctors OR pay for the things she is in to help her find who she is then stop before you open your mouth. Not to mention that unless you have been where we have you can not offer me any advice on what you think will work.

I have come to this conclusion in losing one to suicide and nearly another that I will not do things to please others, I will not engage in forced interactions with anyone, I will not be spending time with those that I just don't want to spend time with and I will not be caring about what others think I should or shouldn't be doing for myself OR my daughter! I have come to the realization that my mental health is not worth people who are not beneficial to me. Selfish? Honestly for the first time in 38 years I can say I don't care. I have earned the right to be selfish for me and my family.

So when suicide hits your family know this. I will be there for you in any way I can because to me that is what I should be doing, if I can help someone face the worse possible situation that could happen I am going to. If suicidal thoughts haunt your mind I will be there to help you through it, because I have been there and if a suicide attempt has rocked the hell out of your house I will be there to help calm things as best I can BECAUSE THIS IS MY THERAPY! I have been placed in a situation that allows me to educate, help and be there for those who can understand and I am going to do it!

Suicide sucks! Nobody should have to stay silent, live in shame or have to face it alone. I will do everything I can in my power to keep fighting for changes because that is what I am here to do.

One small step at a time and one small accomplishment at a time. That's how changes are made and that's how empires are built.

World Mental Health Day & Mental Health Awareness Week

Yesterday Bailey and I attended the signing for the City of Fort Saskatchewan Proclamation of World Mental Health Day. We had contacted a city councillor who within 12 hours had things rolling and planned with the Mayor. While it was a small step in change for us our Mayor then rendered me speechless by presenting us with the Proclamation.  I stood in shock with thoughts of Morgan in my mind. Then the thought of every citizen in our city who battles mental illness. I fought back tears that later came as I sat and reflected on everything we have been doing in the last year.

As a mom I watch Bailey give her first public speech about her twin and herself. I heard a young girl who's heart has been broken by the evils in society. Did she stumble over words and spoke in a quiet voice, yes. But she was also unprepared to speak. But I also heard her voice change to pride when she spoke of the society we created in memory of her sister to raise awareness and to fight for change. I am certain that while yesterday was emotionally hard on her as last night before bed she placed her sisters photo that is usually with her urn beside her bed. When I asked why she did it she stated Morgan was lonely. It downed on me today it is not Morgan who is lonely but Bailey. I watched her enjoy her day, talk to reporters, to councillors and the Mayor but when she got home the reality of Morgan being gone hit her. The one person she always had to share her successes with gone, the one who she shared her inner most thoughts and secrets with gone, and the one she always thought would be there no matter what happened in her life ..... gone.

Bailey has proven her strength time and time again through her awareness videos, her dance videos and just by getting up everyday and trying to get through the day. At 14 this young lady has seen and been through more then most adults and she is surviving.

As a mom I am both proud and heartbroken for the daughter who shows her strength and refuses to show her weaknesses. However as a parent I want her to learn to embrace her doubts and sadness as this is not weakness but life. I want her to feel those emotions and accept them as this is what makes her who she is and let me tell you she is amazing and beautiful inside and out!

Being depressed, having anxiety, OCD, PTSD or any mental illness is not weakness. It is not who you are but a part of you. Mayor Gale said something yesterday that is true, "Mental illness is not a choice but recovery is", the same can be said for those battling addiction. However without the proper care and treatment sometime that choice to recover is not an option. So now we fight to change that and make that statement true for everyone!

With the move we made and getting Bailey adjusted we have had to put a lot on the back burner. After seeing my daughter yesterday it is time to put forth the projects we want to do. Her friend and fellow advocate has put forth some ideas and we plan to make those and others happen. Bailey also will have a pageant coming up that will require work and support from the community but in return she will be supporting her community and standing up for those who need a voice.

So today I sit and reflect on what has happened and what is to come for Bailey, myself, our family and Morgan's Mission as we head into yet another new chapter in our lives. We have made many new and exciting connections and we plan to work with them to create change in our city and yours!

Getting Settled In

So it has been awhile since I have been able to take the time to write as so much has been going on and happening in our family.
Those who follow know we relocated closer to the city of Edmonton. We did so for a few reasons. One my husband was offered a job in Redwater, two Bailey needed to be around care if an emergency with her mental health came up and three to be closer to allies that we have made.
Many have know figured out Bailey has been writing for Starlight Music Chronicles and that I have started as assistant to the editor. We are also getting ready to launch our first edition online magazine in just a few short weeks.
Family wise we had just had a glorious visit with our oldest daughter and granddaughter. They had come out and spent two weeks with us and we totally surprised Bailey!!!
Other then that Bailey has settled into her school without too much trouble, other then climbing a fence and requiring three stitches in her arm and she has even been asked to speak next month on mental health & suicide and how it relates to Morgan's Mission.
We also asked the city of Fort Saskatchewan to Proclaim October 10th World Mental Health Day which they have agreed to do!
And then on an upsetting note we have learnt that Fort McMurray will be losing the child Psychiatrist they worked so hard to get after only three short months leaving families struggling to get help they need for the children.
I must say while I am not surprised I would love to know the true reason why he is leaving. I fear it is due to the lack of resources and the added stress of no organization within the mental health care available in the region.
Its a shame that a region focused on creating a family oriented community is unable to get and keep the resources they need to provide the proper mental health care the children need. A proper Family Mental Health Center with proper staff needs to happen in that community. It is needed as badly as the Seniors Care home! And honestly they should be located close to each other as seniors as they age need mental health care too!
I never thought being an anti bullying advocate, mental health& suicide prevention advocate would see so much heartache. I always knew the care needed was hard to get and the system is not easy to maneuver through but how bad and how little care is out there is honestly pathetic! We should be teaching this in grade school, we should be encouraging students to seek jobs within the mental health field, and we should be fighting for those who cant fight for themselves.
The media is terrible when it comes to properly portraying those who suffer from addiction and mental illness, they feed into the stigma and play fear propaganda with those who don't understand these illnesses and what people go through if they are left untreated or UNABLE to get the treatment they need!   If they spent time reporting the little care they are able to receive instead of making them look like monsters then maybe more people would understand and ask the same questions as to why they are unable to get the care they need. More importantly if they stop shaming them then MAYBE just MAYBE more would be more open and willing to seeking out care and treatment instead of suffering in silence and battling each day just to survive!
One thing I can say is I know this magazine launch is going to get people talking, and that's the whole point! Rolling Stones never made it without some controversy and we plan to do the same! I have seen more connection between music and mental illness and bullying then I care too but I also have seen and noticed how music has saved so many from their demons when proper care and treatment wasn't available. But more on that later.
For now know this, while we have taken the time we needed and deserved to settle in to our new lives in a new city, yet again, know we have not stopped our fight against bullying/cyber bullying, mental health care and suicide prevention! Keep watching cause we are not stopping till things change to how they need to be!
Watch here as Bailey shares her thought on Suicide.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSdA5pSLm-M

Self Harm - Coping or Attention Seeking

It would seem self harm is a growing "trend" in today teens but is it a trend or a coping method many use to deal with issues they are yet to understand.

Truth be told unless you have raised a teen who self harms/ed or as a teen you self harmed you will never fully understand the reasons behind self harming.

So what is self harm. Self harm is basically anything that intentionally hurts the individual, cutting, burning, and even pulling hair out can be a form of self harm. You also need to watch for things that will hurt their self esteem, some have used hair cutting, piercing, tattooing as form of getting mental pain out. I know hard to imagine how a teen chopping their hair off could be seen as mental pain relief but it happens.

So lets get to coping or attention seeking. Anyone who has ever self harmed will tell you that after they did it they feel ashamed and more often then not they hide it. It is not something that they walk around telling everyone or showing everyone. Why because its not for others it is for themselves. Are there teens/youth who do it for what adult say is attention? Sure but my question is if they are hurting themselves for attention then what is the reason they are seeking attention in the first place! Are they lacking attention at home, do they feel they are not as popular as someone else (self esteem issues) or do they feel the need to do it to fit in (again self esteem issues) so is it really for attention or is it a deeper issue that may not be a mental illness.

Self harming seems to be more openly talked about now because of social media. More and more are being open about it and more are talking about it. So like anything else there will be teens/youth who try it to see if it really does help with the emotional and mental pains they cant explain. Does it mean it will become their coping method? No. But it does mean that as a parent you need to talk to your child and find out what is going on and what is causing them to seek out methods to cope with their life and what is happening in it. You need to ask those tough questions about peers, look at your home life and what has been happening and look at the pressures that your child has on them.

One thing that really bothers me is those who say of you self harm you are suicidal. NO it does not mean they are. YES there are those who are suicidal that self harm and YES self harming is dangerous and can result in injury that can be life threatening. Either by cutting to deep or even from an onset of infection.

So how do we deal with it as parents. Well for one if you don't understand or cant imagine doing it do not make them feel like they are stupid or crazy because they are self harming as a form of coping. Don't make them feel and think their problems are no big deal, this will only make them feel worse and make the problem worse and shut down any communication you have with them. Is it scary to think something is wrong that this is what they are doing YES and fear is something that can cause us as parent to react out of fear without thinking. You can NOT do this! This will cause your child to go back into their shell and not want to tell you if something gets worse or cause them to self harm even more.  You need to remember not to put your fears on them, they are our fears and our problems NOT your child's. Children today have enough stress and pressure on them and they don't need the added stress of adults problems.

How do we help? Well we can stay calm when talking to them, listen to hear and not to respond, and be supportive. Ask them what you can do to help them stop, ask if they need to seek treatment or therapy, ask what is happening at school, with friends, or in their life in general. Be active in their lives so you know their friends and what's happening with their friends. Yes our children need privacy but as a parent you have a job to know what your child is doing, who they are with and where they are. Look for personality changes, changes in clothing (long sleeves in summer), changes in appearance in general and ask yourself if they are "typical teen" changes or is there more going on. Nobody does better detective work then a mad or worried parent so make use of it!

Its not easy when you are dealing with someone who self harms. they are already fragile and you need to walk on basically egg shells to keep from pushing them the wrong way. It not easy and it is not fun by any stretch of the imagination. As a parent of two who self harmed (one who is no longer with us & one who is 5 months clean) it is a very fine line you have to walk and you never know what may be a trigger to start the self harm again. For some it can even become an addiction and then you are dealing with a whole set of other issues. That can be even more challenging as a parent.

As someone who self harmed as a teen for years it is not a fight that just disappears when you get older. It is like any other illness that can show its ugly head at any time to make you struggle and push you mentally. Nobody will fully understand the reason why people self harm. Honestly there are many reasons, copying, not being able to understand the mental pain but being able to understand physical pain, to feel in control of your feelings and body, to want a release from everything you struggle with or they have disassociated themselves so they don't even realize they are doing it.

Unless you have been there then you cant understand, and unless you are will to be open to understanding how someone can intentionally hurt themselves then please don't say anything to make them feel worse then they already do. You can not judge someone's struggles and you can not compare them to anyone else. We ALL cope and deal with things differently and that is our right.

So before you go judging someone for self harming ( and yes that even means those who self harm and judging others for their choice to self harm) ask them if there is something you can help them with. Be an option for their coping not a reason for their coping.

Life Changes

Its been a busy and exciting few weeks in our lives. A move, new jobs, new experiences and new connections to friends. If anything I should know first hand a phone call or a moment can change your life forever and send you down a whole new path in life. Honestly, for me it's like just when you think you have settled into your life after a change something else comes along to send us on a wild ride. So for me this is just another adventure on this road called life.

Like everything I have ever been through I always find peace in music and the last three weeks have been no different. I have been able to met new people who have brought new music into my life, many songs of which I or Bailey can relate to personally.

So let's break it down shall we! So the middle of July my husband got a call with a job offer on a site just outside of Edmonton. Well of course he is going to take it, I mean who wouldn't take a Monday to Friday job! Not only did it get us out of Fort McMurray but also closer to the editor for the website/magazine that Bailey is now writing for. So for us it didn't take much thinking to say yes to the move.

Moving in itself is always stressful but when you are packing and sorting and needing it to be done in two weeks it is even more stressful! We made the decision to store our things and stay in my in-laws for a bit. We figure this will give us time to find the right location for our family and get some debts paid and money saved after the financial crisis we were faced with in the last year. So lots of changes just in that one decision.

Then we add the job Bailey has been given the opportunity to have. She is now the Teen Beat writer for Starlight Music Chronicles which has already in its short time connected her (and us) to artists and other writers who have a personal connection to our goals with Morgan's Mission. She has been introduced to local artists Bryan Finlay who has a personal connection to bullying and writes about it in his song Bulletproof, Shay Esposito who speaks about her battles with bullying and mental illness in her songs I See Everything and Medication, the band Rend with their song Scars and many others. The chief editor and creator behind SMC also has a very personal connection to suicide as she lost her cousin to suicide a few years ago which gives her and our family a personal connection like nothing anyone could ever imagine. Candice Marshall has a heart of gold and knows the importance to making these issues known to everyone.
 
So while all these changes have been happening and yes they are all positive and good changes we are often left with the question how is everyone adjusting. Well Bailey will take time and the true test will be when school starts before we will know for sure how she has adjusted to the move. For Greg, well he is happy to be out of an isolated town that seen his daughter leave us way too soon. And for me I am torn. While I know so many things that are happening are all good and that change can be good I am left thinking this is the first major decision we have had to make since Morgan ended her life and its hard. I feel a connection to Fort McMurray that will never go away. It is where the first major change happened for our family but also the city which Morgan was last a part of our family physically and that means I will always feel a push pull connection to Fort McMurray.

Reality is Fort McMurray is an amazing community with support that went above and beyond what I ever expected for my family after the loss we faced but I also know that resources Bailey needs in her life are not there on a full time basis and that isn't something we can live with. I will always be grateful for the community and will always continue to fight for the resources they need but for my family we need to have those close at hand for Bailey now.

So now we yet again will adjust to life changes and take each obstacle as it comes like every other one that has been thrown at us in the last couple years. There will be rough times and patches, but there will also be good times and exciting opportunities to make it worth the choice we made. So in the words of Bryan Finlay "Nothing good can last forever so live it up while we can" (Live It Up) and honestly at this point in my life it is the best advise I have heard in a song so for me that is just what I am going to do!

Living With a Child Who Has PTSD

Many don't realize that PTSD is not just something that our military personnel battle. PTSD is a disorder that ANYONE who has experiences a traumatic event can suffer with. For our family it is all three of us at some level, however as parents to a teen who suffers from PTSD it means our lives are often left being unpredictable each day.

When your child suffers from this disorder it means bouts of anxiety, depression, a growing list of triggers and on top of that appointments with doctors and therapists.
Its been just over a year since we found our daughter and Bailey's twin sister after she had ended her life and reality has been setting in.

For Bailey it has been a year of lost friends & new friends gained, a year of learning and discovering triggers which sadly are just starting to surface, and also a year of trial & error with getting her back on track.

What many don't realize is when you are dealing with someone who PTSD you have to watch EVERYTHING you say, do and what they do. There are times her brain just decides to re-play the events of the day Morgan died and there is nothing she can do to stop it. There are times if she is caught off guard by a touch she just about jumps out of her skin but yet there are days she needs to be cuddled. There are times she is so tired from getting through the day and experiencing new things that it takes her two days to recover. Sadly this is how she will live for the rest of her life, not to mention there are many things we have cut out of her life so she isn't being forced into dealing with even more triggers. As parents it can be exhausting and very painful to watch. Not to mention we both have our own symptoms of PTSD to deal with.

My husband who never had issues leaving myself or our children before can now find himself in a full anxiety/panic attack if he is away from us for too long. He is hyper vigilant to what Bailey is  watching or being exposed to for fear it will trigger something and then he has his daily flash backs he has to deal with as well. Flash backs are the worst, its like reliving the day all over again and you have no control over it.

Then myself well I argue with myself in my head when flash backs start or that dark feeling of loss starts to creep over me. Then I am left standing there thinking I must look like an idiot to others who can see me because for me I zone out completely to be able to bring myself back from it.
To know what each person is going through or feeling is impossible because each of us is different and each of us have different triggers, symptoms and coping methods. Which means just in our home alone we have three who all experienced the same trauma but yet all three of us have different symptoms etc of PTSD. The only thing we have in common is that when one is suffering the others are able to be there and it isn't a trigger.

Living with a child who has PTSD is almost like walking on egg shells all the time. Your scared of something setting them back, your scared something they see will send them into a flash back, your scared something they experience through the day will cause a nightmare and your scared someone will do something to them throughout the day that will cause a reaction that they can not control and you worry that the schools will never be equipped to deal with a child who may or may not have an episode that day or a reaction to something that has happened or to something someone has said or done.

So what is it like living with a child with PTSD? Its a living nightmare of constant worry, but also a life of living in the moment because that may be all you have with them each day. It is a life of explaining why they may or may not react in a "normal" way to certain things and a life time of making sure that they are watched and get the help they need when they need it!
We are all survivors but with that comes ups and downs. Its what we learn and take from those ups and downs that get us through each day and is a guide to help through other days.

Coming to The Light

So many things have popped up and so many things have come to light in the last few weeks since we have been home.

Bailey is finally at a great place and is starting to look forward to more things and putting herself out there more to better help others. She has been presented with amazing projects that she is finding time to put effort into, however, I have been informed it is summer and teen advocates deserve a break :) THIS to me is a good sign. This shows me that while she knows her voice is important not only to others but also to herself. She knows that if she allows herself to get too wrapped up in everything else then she will lose herself and her light. So many cant figure that out at 30 and here she is at just 14 knowing she needs to balance her life. She knows she still needs to be a kid. How did we miss that our little girl has aged 20 years in such a short time? Simple we as adults are so busy filling our plates and keeping ourselves busy we forget that we need to allow our light to shine and relax! We need to unplug and spend time doing what we love and enjoy doing and not focus everything we do around work!

We need to take time to recharge ourselves and find our inner peace. So as busy and crazy as our lives are between Morgan's Mission, work, sports, school, doctors, therapists and being a family Bailey has yet again taught us a lesson that we need to stop and find time for ourselves to do NOTHING! Watch movies, eat junk food (this I don't like), hang out with friends, play in the rain (when we get it) and to just BE!

Coming to Light can mean many things to many people. For us its about finding the balance so our light don't disappear, for others it is making sure they always see the light ahead of them so they don't give up. Those are the ones we need to guide to things that will help them. It is so easy in todays world to get caught up in the "trends" on social media that belittle how you look, feel or present yourself. There are so many things out there that teens are getting caught up in that are tearing down their self esteem that we as adults have to do more to stop these from happening.

The latest ones being the don't judge me and the belly button challenge. BOTH make teens feel they are less then they really are. Who cares if you can wrap your arm around your waist, news flash your body is not designed to do this naturally. And don't judge me, many are making fun of those who do have scars, look different, have acne etc and then make themselves look normal for the camera. Ok , and I am shaking my head as I write this, girls you are going to have skin changes, your going to have girls who don't pluck the same as others, your going to have days you do not feel like wearing make up or doing your hair and you know what WHO CARES! That is your body and your choice! THAT is what matters! Guys you also will have skin changes, some get facial hair at different times (heredity cant be helped) your going to have some with acne and guys who "manscape" and others who don't and you know what WHO CARES again this is your body and your choice!

As parents we need to be teaching our children to be happy with themselves and stop judging others based on looks. We need to stop judging ourselves based on looks because honestly we can be just as bad on ourselves and teens can be and guess what THIS is where they see it and learn it.
Women we are our worst critic and we can be brutal! And at what cost? Our daughters and sons see this and think this is how women should be viewed and treated!

So with that being said I have learnt a lot from my daughter the last couple weeks yet again. Life happens and sometimes life sucks but for all of us its a process that we can either live to the fullest each day OR we can choose to just exist and let most of life pass us by. For us we are choosing to live and make the best of each day as it comes and to not lose our light in this life.

Time For A Revolution

Today has been a day of reopened wounds as our community has been hit with yet another teen suicide. In the last 370 days this makes the third teen suicide in our region. My heart shattered today as the family of the second young girl lost filled me in on the loss of yet another daughter.
To know there is now another family that will struggle to carry on and find a new normal in their lives my anger surfaced. My blood began to boil and I shook I was so upset and angry. I have done very well with not letting my anger win but today it did and I am going to tell you why.
The last year I watched my own family be torn to the core with the loss of Morgan, I watch a carefree 13 year old grow up 10 years and become wise beyond her years in mental health, suicide and bullying because her identical twin sister was taken from her.
The last 7 months we have watched another family struggle with the same battles and feelings after the loss of their daughter. And now again we will watch and reach out to another family torn to their very core to make sure they have support from people who can say "I know how you feel and you are ok and those feelings are normal" while the rest of society tells them they need to move on and keep living their lives.
I am angry because people have it in their minds that they can put a time from on grief, that you should be worried about how the suicide effects others while you are shattered into a million pieces and trying to keep those pieces together so you can heal, but most of all I am angry because we as a society would rather stick our heads in the sand then face tough issues head on!! Well guess what no more! Enough is enough!
If you cant talk about suicide and mental health illness and care the same way as you can cancer, diabetes, heart disease, and hell even male impotence (which even gets TV commercial time and is easier to talk about then suicide and mental health) then I am sorry but you need to give your head a shake! SUICIDE is now the leading cause of death in teenage girls! That means statistically your daughter has a better chance of ending her own life then getting hit by a drunk driver or developing cancer! Scary thought huh!
Mental Health illness will effect 1 in 5 people. Which in turn effects those around them indirectly which means NOBODY is safe from mental illness or its effects. World Health Organization has already stated by 2020 mental illness will out number ALL other illness with the except of coronary heart disease. So your odds of having to seek help for mental health illness in a family member is pretty good. You know what you will be faced with?? Lack of care and resources, long wait time which for some is a death sentence,  not to mention little to no help for those who are indirectly effected or are a suicide survivor. Has my daughter been lucky to have great help and people behind her, yes she is, but let me tell you it does not happen for everyone and honestly where was all this help for her twin when she needed it.
Anger..... it is really one of those emotions that I am entitled to feel and nobody will tell me different. My only positive in it is I can be my most pushy and creative when I am angry. I have no issues stepping on toes or swinging for the outfield when I am angry about something that is preventable and treatable. Why because nobody deserves to suffer in silence, nobody deserves to struggle to put their lives back together, nobody deserves to be looked down on for seeking help, nobody deserves to feel shame for an illness they CAN NOT help!

Thankfully we have an amazing MP who seen my post and continues to take our issues seriously and wants to organize a meeting and task force which is long over due! Together we will tackle and make it well known the changes that have to happen, and what plan needs to be put in place for things to change, for my community, my province and all of Canada! My community is isolated but our others communities that are part of Wood Buffalo are even more isolated and I WILL NOT allow anyone to forget about them. I know I have support in those communities as well and they agree change needs to happens and I will not stop until these changes have happened!
So today I lick my reopened wounds and carry on with my fight. My anger will subside and I will continue to survive and live my life, but be warned I am a mom on a mission for change and nobody does better work then a PO'd mama bear! This is my community and I will NOT let it be swept to the side NOR will I let anyone forget we are here and deserve the same resources and care that any other city of our size and population gets!
So Fort Mac who is in??? Its revolution time and alone or with an army I am fighting this war not only with mental health but bullying as well. I am not stopping and I am not sorry for that!

Remembering Morgan

On the day Morgan ended her life and we left the hospital to come home, we were greeted by a swarm of dragonflies.

9 Months Old
 Bailey & Morgan

Kindergarten

Looking back now I remember the last time we had seen so many together. It was after my grandfather had passed away and we had taken the twins to my in-laws trailer for the day. We decided to take the long way home and we had a swarm of dragonflies follow us and surround us most of the way home.

They say they represent change, transformation and adaptability but also joy and invite you to dive deeper into your emotions. Well I don’t think these two events could have meant all of us diving deeper into our emotions.

It’s been a year. The longest, emotion filled, time consuming, reflective and eye opening year me and my family has ever had to go through.

Reflecting….. Seems many who face a loss reflect on times of happiness and how you continue on. For me I soon realized what I could tolerate in life and what I couldn’t. I no longer tolerated petty complaining, those who didn’t serve a purpose in my life and more importantly I realized just how short, precious and cruel life can be.

Grade 2

No matter how long you have been healing when you lose someone to suicide the “what if’s” & “If only’s” never go away and they never stop. If only I hadn’t stopped to grab magazines, if only we hadn’t stopped to grab Morgan’s guitar books, what if I had stayed home with her, but reality is nothing I or we did or didn’t do would have made a difference.The fact is my baby girl, the youngest of five, is no longer with us physically.



Fall 2008

The fact is we all will remember and do everything we can to continue on without her by our sides. The one child who always cuddled with me and cried on my shoulder about the evils of the world, the one who was always the first to great family at the door with a hug and the last to hug them when they left, the one who always felt the way no child should feel, the one who always seen the good in everyone and everything no matter how they made her or others feel, and
the one who gave life meaning when all hope and faith was lost.

On June 27^th 2014 this world lost a young woman determined to change it for the good what all it did was hurt and break her. In the end the hurt and pain was too much for a young mind and body despite the old soul she was.


I think back to every memory, every smile, tear and every hug, head butt, kiss and I love you mama, but also every annoying habit, the sibling fights (and man her and her twin could fight) every push for independence, everything a parent complains about and I am left thinking WOW.




Christmas 2009

Grade 3

 Every time a parent complains, wishes things were different, wishes their child would just listen, I am left thinking yet again “if only”. If only I could hear her yell down the stairs that Bailey used her makeup, if only she was here to stomp up the stairs cause for a 90 pond girl she always sounded like a herd of elephants going up and down stairs and if only I could hear I love you mama one more time.

As much as we as parents think it’s annoying to hear them complain of fight with us/siblings, trust me, without it in your house life becomes quiet and silence is not always good and what we want.



Grade 4

I see parents and teens on phones or other technology when out on what should be a family get together and I think “how can you not engage or talk to each other”. I want to tell them that in a blink of an eye your world and life can change and YES it can be your family! Enjoy your children, live with them and make memories with them so they have those to reflect on when you’re gone or in our case we can look back on because she is gone!



Christmas 2011

Today, June 27^th, will be hard without a doubt but I refuse to just let my daughter be another “high profile” teen suicide cause by the effects of bullying. What I choose for her memory and honour is a young girl who wanted change in this world for all so they could feel safe wherever they were, so they could look in the mirror and be proud of what they seen looking back at them, that each and every person is seen as an equal despite their differences and to help heal those who need it.

I want for her to be the face of change; the reason why we stop the abuse children put each other through and be the face of change for all children in this generation and future generations.



Cheer Provincial Champs
2012

What I choose for Morgan’s Mission Memorial Society is a society that fights for change, that researches and educates others (youth, teens and parents alike), and who is personally there for other families faced with the same issues we have been through. Why? Because THIS is who Morgan was and forever will be.



Grade 6 2013
 

We are not a family who has suffered a loss and is lost in grief but a family of survivors who have faced reality and walked right through every damn thing that this year has thrown at us!

Morgan Lynn Dunbar is and always will be the daughter to Natasha Lee Dunbar & Gregory Lloyd Dunbar, Sister to Amber, Emillee & Austin Jenkins, identical twin to Bailey Anne Dunbar, Proud aunt to April Lee Savoy who was her pride, joy and love of her life, Granddaughter to Doug & Paulette Jenkins and Kevin & Rosanne Dunbar, Great granddaughter to Dorothy Everett and Doris Foster, Niece to Jeff, Brandi (DJ) and Tiffany (James) Jenkins & Chris (Ashley) Dunbar, Cousin to Kobe, Taylor, Brynlee, Dezi, Shayla, Shawn, Kiera, Kelsey and Brody, and best friend to Isobel, Riley, Taylor, Sarah and many many more. I have yet to meet someone who knew her that wasn’t touched by her in some way.



Easter 2014

So today, one the first angelversary, we will not mourn the loss of Morgan but celebrate her short 13 years of life and everything she stood for. She is missed and loved dearly and forever will be missed and loved beyond words. Nothing will ever change that.




June 2014
Two weeks before her death
Pictured with her niece April

What will change is how one girl can & will be the face of change so that others will never have to face the same torment & abuse she endured. That other will have the help & resources needed when she didn’t have them to help her get that light back at the end of the tunnel and lastly how society looks at bullying/cyber bullying and mental health illness in youth & teens.

THIS is what Morgan always wanted for everyone. A life free from fear, abuse and help for all those who need at the time they need it the most.

So please, today light a candle, porch light etc. and remember not just Morgan but all those who have been lost to suicide, bullying and mental illness and maybe just maybe talk to your children about the evils of the world and ask them what we can do to make it better for them.

June 2013

 

             
 
 
 
 

Learning to Live Again

Learning to live again after any tragedy is a process but after a suicide you go through a process like no other.

The first year you are numb, you feel you can't breath; you hurt all over, and feel like you will never live again. You exist but you don't live. The first year you are learning how to cope and deal with the pain, the unanswered questions and all the what if's you can possibly think of. It's hard there is no other way to explain it. You exist through all the first holidays, and you count every month until you reach that first year. Then what? Then you have to learn to live again.

In the second year you are learning to live your life again. Finding ways to see the good in the world, things that bring you joy, and ways to keep going that make you feel alive again.

Everyone will have things that helped them, like taking time to enjoy the small things that once brought you joy, taking time to write down three things each day that made you smile or doing those small things you enjoyed that always brought you happiness.

For me it’s about finding my purpose again. Finding what will make me feel as whole as I can while a piece of me is gone. Nothing or nobody will ever fill that empty place in my heart that was once held by my baby girl but I need and want to find a way to live again.

The things I once enjoyed up to now have held little to no joy in my life. I find picking up a book to read it allows my mind to wonder, picking up my camera to take photos brings back memories of taking photos of everything that my children did, and anytime I feel that pull to do a craft I am reminded of the times my dining room would be filled with the smell of glue, and glitter all over the dining room floor. So how do I learn to live again?

The answer is not simple nor is it easy but it is what my daughter would want. It will be a process like everything else that has been during the last year. I will try different tips and I will start doing the things I once enjoyed again and welcome those memories as the flood back. I will start writing again and challenging myself to do new things and go places we always wanted to go. Why because that is what you do when you are living. You make those plans, take those trips and enjoy every moment you have living your life. It won't be easy and it will bring a lot of tears but those tears will be brought on by happy memories that I will welcome.

Learning to live again will also mean accepting every holiday as a challenge and every occasion we celebrate with Bailey as bringing both happiness and tears knowing she should be celebrating those with her twin sister. From getting her permit, starting high school, every birthday, graduating high school, getting married and starting a family are just some things that will pose a challenge for both Bailey and us as a family.

Learning to live again will mean planning vacations and trips we always wanted to do with the girls so they could see their country and experience all we could offer them.

It means taking time for me to do everything I once loved and learn to love them again and not feel guilty for smiling and laughing.

It means taking time to spend with my husband free from guilt when Bailey isn't with us every single moment out of fear something may happen to her.

Learning to live again means getting over all that fear you have that something is going to happen to the last child you have at home. This is something that is harder to get over then anyone could ever imagine. We are trying but it is a process that you can only explain and taking your worst fear and facing it every single moment of every single day.

The next year will be filled with emotion yet again however this time we will welcome it and learn to enjoy life once again because THIS is what Morgan would have wanted us to do.

Bullying Is Really Just Peer Abuse

Bullying has surpassed anything we ever had grown up with. It has even changed in the 6 years between my oldest and youngest. This is a problem. What was once a school yard issue has now become a global epidemic that has not only taken over our school yards but also our homes. By keeping legislation regarding bullying just in the Education Act we are putting more stress on teachers and schools that they are not able to deal with, they are teachers not law enforcement. Bullying does not only happen during the school day or the school year, if we keep the legislation the way it is school officials will have to make themselves available 24/7 365 days a year. Why should they have to do that?? Also by keeping it only in the Education Act we are giving the schools and school boards control over what happens in our homes. This is not going to sit well with many parents, while many will want to be made aware of cyber bullying or bullying happening under their roof many will not want the schools being able to enforce punishment for something that happens outside of the school year/day. This is why it needs to become a police matter. Schools are not trained nor are they equipped to deal with situations that are criminal in nature. Yes they need to work in cooperation with the police/RCMP but, they as teachers are not law enforcement officers.

Another huge part of the problem is the fact that there is nothing in regards to dealing with it as far as real legislation or education. We need to educate youth and adults on how it has changed and all the long term effects it has on those who are bullied. Bullying does more long term mental health harm then child abuse.  Why do you think this is? Simple, because teens and youth look to peers for acceptance and when that need isn’t met it is damaging to the victim. As much as we would love for our youth and teens to want our approval as parents and adults that reality is that’s not how it works.

Bullying, no matter what spin you want to put on it is PEER ABUSE. Call a spade a spade if you will. Let’s turn the tables shall we. If an adult physically harms another adult it is assault and a crime, if an adult sexual assaults or harasses an another adult it is sexual harassment or sexual assault and a crime, if an adult stalks another adult it is a crime, if an adult intentionally tries to ruin a reputation of another adult it is defamation of character and a crime. So why are all these behaviour acceptable for youth and teens to do to each other? This is allowing the behaviour to be seen as acceptable. What we are doing is allowing a pattern of abuse to continue. If these behaviours are allowed to continue without repercussions we will see an increase in abusive relationships in high schools, colleges and universities, we will see an increase in child abuse cases and in domestic violence. You will also see an increase in drug and alcohol abuse/dependency as they try to self medicates as well as an increase mental health illnesses. As these pre- teens and teens grow with the thought that this behaviour is normal, a right of passage, or boys being boys/girls being girls, they will continue to think that as they enter into adulthood. Therefore allowing the cycle of abuse to continue and worsen into future generations. Why you ask?  Because this is where the pattern of abuse is born and formed. If we allow those who “bully” to get away with it at a youth and impressionable age they will continue to escalate and carry on that abuse in power. Let’s face it power in the wrong hands in addictive that can and will be taken advantage of. All these behaviours if allowed to continue will add even more strain to the legal and medical systems that are already spread too thin. You want to stop the cycle then it needs to happen before it starts through proper education and consequences held through proper legislation.

We are seeing this pattern already with the increase in work place bullying and “trolling” online.  Adults are responsible for setting the example and not allowing the pattern/cycle of abuse to continue. Awareness, Education, Legislation and Prevention are all vital parts to the puzzle that can and will fix this growing epidemic. Bullying needs to be addressed the same way as an adult abusing another adult. We just need to add education to the mix.

Bullying and more importantly cyber bullying is evolving faster then we can keep up. Even in the last 6 years I have seen and witnessed the escalation in bullying and the harmful and devastating effects it has had on our youth/teens and their families. Sadly this is something our family knows first hand.

Today our youth are being exposed to technology earlier and earlier however we are not teaching them the dangers and responsibilities that come with it. Did you know the average age a child gets a cell phone is 6 years old? How many parents buy video game consoles and allow online gaming? We are allowing video game systems in their bedrooms yet we tell parents to keep computers in common areas, why?? Video game consoles are in fact computers that can access everything that a computer can access. You allow Internet gaming you are allow your child to play with grown men and women in a space that is behind closed doors.

Technology has changed bullying to a whole new level of assault that we are not keeping up with. It is allow individuals or groups of people to create hate/abuse pages or sites that hundreds even thousands can attack one or a small group of individuals. It allows people to attack and slander others without them even knowing who is doing it. It allows many to take everyday photos and create hurtful messages and post those for everyone to pass around. And if one teen takes an intimate photo and sends it to one person even those are sadly finding their way online. Yes we do have laws to protect those against child pornography however we are not doing enough to educate and change how teens use the Internet and what they put out there for all to see. We need to teach them that their “cyber” footprint is there forever.

As generations have gone through school some curriculum has changed to adapt to the changes in society. However other areas that need to be updated or need to be added are not. For a prime example, we are living in a world where technology is primary focus in youth and teens. Their lives are online. BUT because of this fact we are losing compassion, empathy and kindness. These qualities still need to be in humanity therefore we need to teach these children to have these traits and why they are so important. Another example is we are teaching them to use technology but we are not teaching them the dangers, the manners, their cyber footprint and how it always follows them, and we are not teaching them what not to do.

With the growth in technology we are also seeing a growth in cyber crime. A rise in online abuse, trafficking, child pornography, individuals crashing and hacking into major industries is all happening and our laws and legislation are not keeping up. We do everything from homework to checking our bank accounts to everyday socializing online now. If these behaviours were done face to face there is more to protect these individuals however online there is not.

Legislation needs to be a part of the solution. As younger and younger generations get into government they will have a better understanding but by the time this happens they will be dealing with an epidemic so large it will take generations to fix and be rid of. In mean time, more and more teens will make the choice to end their lives because of the level of abuse they face online at the hands of their peers. As well as the demand for mental health care will increase to a point our system will never be able to keep up resulting in more and more youth/teens falling through the cracks of an already broke system.

A Year of Reflecting

Two weeks, wow! Two weeks till the end of another school year. Well at least it is for our house. For others it will mark the start of exams. For us it will mark the hardest part of the last year. The anniversary of our daughter’s suicide on June 27th will mark one year.

The last year has had a lot of ups and downs, trials and errors, smiles and tears and a lot of other emotions. We have also been lead on a path of self discovery and not necessarily by choice.  We have found out a lot about ourselves and even more about others.

We are very fortunate to live in a community that has been amazingly supportive and agrees change is needed. The last year we have discovered that when you lose a member of your family to suicide people look at you differently. Those who you thought would always be there disappear and those you never expected to be friends become close to you. Some family drifts apart while once strained relationships find themselves mending.

Suicide is a topic so many choose to shy away from for many reasons. Either they have been effected by it themselves, are scared, or honestly just don't know how to start the conversation.  This has always been an easy topic for me having been affected by suicide long before Morgan. In high school I lost two friends to suicide, I have worked with people who have lost a loved one to suicide, a few years ago I lost a childhood friend to suicide and the year we moved across the country my oldest lost a friend to suicide. For me the biggest point I needed to make to family and friends when telling them about Morgan's death was that nobody was to get mad at her, nobody was to blame her and nobody was to lie about how she died. It was a suicide, plain and simple.

Spending a year reflecting has been hard. I have been hard on myself with choices I have made and make. The last few weeks have been really hard as I have been piecing together the last year and 9 months. I have watched a young girl turn into a young woman over night, a father becomes a pillar of strength when needed, and I have watched me lose a piece of myself that I am unable to get back.

Suicide changes you. It changes the survivors. There is no going back, there is no normal anymore and there are always unanswered questions. Those are the hardest for me. I am someone who has to have or be able to find the answer for everything. To me there is no answer as to why and for me that's hard to accept.

Suicide does not just take your loved one from you it takes much more then that. For me it has brought on anxiety that was once under control, it has damaged relationships, and pushed people away. I have watched Bailey lose friends because she isn't the same, I have watched her struggle to cope with the empty feeling she has with her twin sister not being here. And I have watched a father who never doubted leaving his wife and daughter home now become a ball of wild anxiety when he has to leave for a few days/weeks for work or school.

Suicide robs you of your life in so many ways, if you let it.

The last year has been a wild wind of emotions, without a doubt. BUT, we are still here and we are still surviving. Now we have to spend the next year learning to live again. Not just survive but live.

Living is so much more then surviving. The last year has for the most part been a fog. Yes a lot has happened but it has been a fog. Now as we are reaching the one year mark that fog is lifting and telling us its time to live again. We will always be a suicide survivor family but we have to be a family who lives too. Morgan wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

So no matter how much reflecting I sit and do it comes down to this. I lost my baby girl to a preventable illness brought on by individuals who pushed her past her breaking point (which in my opinion totally preventable as well). I now have a daughter who will suffer PTSD for the rest of her life as there is no cure, we as adults are just a little better able to deal with ours then she is hers. She will also always struggle with anxiety, why because she has gone from having that one person who was always suppose to be by her side to not having her and losing a bond that not too many can understand.

Reality is this is my life! I have spent a year reflecting so now I get to spend that next year learning to live again. My only hope is that through my journey I am able to help another who is stuck and not sure how to go on living and not just surviving.

I am ok, I will be ok. I am surviving, we are surviving but now we need to be living.