Remission Achieved!

When we hear the words "in remission" we often think of illnesses like cancer. Far to often we hear cancer survivors say I am in remission and we all cheer and congratulate them. What we don't hear are those same cheers when someone with mental illness says "I'm in remission". Why is that? Do people not realize what they have endured to reach this stage in their journey? Do people not understand that mental illness can be in remission too? Or is it that we assume that those with mental illness will always be sick and that if they are in remission then they were never sick to begin with?

Well I am here to tell you that remission does happen for those with mental illness and that my daughter is in remission!

So how do we know when those of us with mental illness reach the point in their healing that they are able to say those words we all long to hear? For her it was reaching a point that she wasn't living with suicidal thoughts every single day, that she had gone 2 years with no self harming, 16 months since her last suicide attempt and more importantly she has been able to see when her mental health needed to be put first. It means that her mental illness is no longer controlling her and effecting her everyday life. She is back in school, has a part time job (working at a doggy daycare which is a perfect fit for her), has a boyfriend and is setting her goals and crushing them!

For Bailey and our family this has been a long and very hard road. We have had more counselling sessions then we can count with numerous people, her medications have been adjusted several times, she has been pulled from school to heal and has stopped doing things she loved. We have had good days and bad days, set backs and many steps forward. At 17 she has faced down more demons then we could ever imagine. But the goal has been achieved and she is living her life fully!

As a parent we never want to see our children struggle and we always do what we can to help them along their path. For us it has meant sacrificing sleep, time together and dealing with our own anxieties every time she was outside of our watchful eyes. We learn their triggers, their moods and what helps them. We know when they are going to have a bad day, often before they even realize it. We read everything we can about treatments and ways to help. We drive them to appointments and listen to the doctors every word. We read about medications and ask the pharmacists everything we can so we know what side effects to look for and how the medications work. We spend more time then we realize learning all we can about what our children are going through just so we can help them.

For everyone with mental illness, no matter what your age is, remission is possible!! You can be 17 or you can be 77 and still achieve remission!

Is some of it mental? Defiantly! Having people around you that can keep your positivity up is a very important part of mental illness recovery! Support systems are one of the most important pieces to the puzzle. You need counsellors you can connect with or a support group you can feel safe in. You need an amazing relationship with your doctor who understands mental illness, a pharmacist you can trust to talk to and it wouldn't hurt if you were able to find someone in the nutrition field to help with a proper diet that has benefits for those with mental illness. And more importantly you need family and friends who can stand by your side to help you fight your illness.

Before everyone goes and think that everyone can easily beat their mental illness I want you to know that for some it can take months to feel normal again and others it can take years. And yes there are some who may have short periods of remission and others who will have longer periods of remission. The main thing to remember is while you feel "normal" and are functioning to the best of your ability, is to enjoy life! Find things that make you happy, that give you a reason to keep fighting, chase down your dreams and smash your goals to pieces!! Understand that one bad day is not the end of your remission! Even those of us without mental illness will have bad days, it is about acknowledging your emotions/feelings, letting yourself feel them and then stepping away from it. It is a process to learn but it feels so good when you learn to do it with ease! Every single thing you do and learn about yourself will help you stay in remission longer.

For right now we will enjoy every single day that our daughter is "normal" again and living her life. As a parent, it is all we ever want for our children. To see them happy, makes us happy. To see them accomplish things they never thought possible makes us proud and even helps us want to accomplish things we didn't think we could do. For today we will celebrate our daughter and everything she does, today we will set aside the thoughts and worries we have had, and for today we will let ourselves feel proud of just how far our daughter has come and all she has overcome. Today we celebrate REMISSION from mental illness!!!!!

Moving Forward for Men's Mental Health

Its funny how someone else's story can help you find even more purpose in your life.
Last weekend I had the pleasure of sharing not only my own story but also Morgan's to 30 at risk youth/teens. In each group there was one who came forward to talk to me privately after about something they related to. Hearing them open up about concerns and themselves help me see why doing what we do is so important. I am not a public speaker by any means and I know it is something that comes with work and time but what I do know is it is something that needs to be done.

The more we share our story of hope and healing then more others will open up about their own struggles and see that healing is an option. Finding strength in others is something that I never thought would be possible but it is. The more people we share with and the more people open up to us about themselves gives me the strength I need to keep going. It has also helped me start to put it all down into what I hope will one day be a book of healing for others.

We have met so many who have stayed silent for years about their struggles or struggles their family/loved ones have faced and when they hear our story they open up and start finding their own purpose in life. Even my husband who is not someone to talk about much will share what we have faced and lost to those he meets while working away at job sites. Every time he does he meets more and more men who have suffered in silence and have faced things that society has deemed they keep to themselves. We have not only allowed teens and families to open up but also men who have faced the shame that society places on them when they suffer from mental illness and addiction.

To me, when a man is able to show you a side of him that allows him to open the darkest and deepest places he has lived it shows true strength and courage. For a man to show he has once been vulnerable to life struggles, to mental illness, and to a place where hope is lost, then he is allowing healing to begin and that takes so much courage and strength. Society has made us believe that a man is suppose to be strong, a provider, to keep his feelings hidden, to not be vulnerable and I am sorry but that has got to stop! We have men who are struggling and suffering in silence because of what we tell them they are suppose to be. We need to stop telling our sons that crying is not okay, that sharing your hopes and dreams with others is not okay, that you are always to appear strong and keep it together and we need to stop shaming men who are sensitive and caring!

For years I watched many men in my life appear strong in the face of others but could see behind those eyes the pain the carried in silence, in fear of what others would think of them. This is no way to live. While we, as women are able to cry, fall apart, and share our inner most feelings; men are left to deal and cope with that alone in their own minds. That is just asking for trouble. That is the reason so many turn to self medicating, to rage outbursts, and to suicide when they can no longer deal and cope with those inner demons. For me a true man is not afraid to show his true feelings, to cry at loss, to show passion towards something that means a lot to him, to show frustration in a healthy way and to love with affection and show that! Feelings need to be encouraged in both men and women. We do not need to be ashamed of what we feel, we shouldn't need to be worried about offending others when sharing our emotions (providing we are doing it respectfully!) Our feeling are our own but sharing them will allow others to gain the courage to share theirs as well.

My husband is currently away and has been for 7 weeks now, he has met a few who have shared their own story after hearing what he has been through and struggles with. One even has gone as far as to finally open up and share everything he has faced in life and that is a blessing. To find purpose in life is eye opening and a huge relief for those who have been faced with lost hope. For many the though of losing someone so close to you to suicide or losing a child to suicide and being able to be open and honest about it and what it has done to your family is enough for them to step back and say "Wow! If this family can lose so much and keep fighting then so can I" and that is a major thing for them.

For me this shows that we are still able to make sure that Morgan is helping others as she always did & wanted. Even on our darkest days we sit and remember why we are doing this and keep going. I know Morgan is proud of what we are doing and will continue to do. Her dreams may have been lost when we lost her but her legacy is still very much alive in what so many of us who loved her are doing. I really hate the saying everything happens for a reason, I prefer to say everything we do comes from a place of loss or passion....... There is no good reason why we lost Morgan but what has happened to continue to help others since losing her is a positive thing that came from the darkest time in my life.

It is time now that more is done not just for teens & youth but also for men. We have met so many amazing men who have struggled for so long in fear of what others would say or think that we have to make sure the men in our lives are emotionally and mentally healthy....... it is time that the stigma around all mental health ends and we stop letting so many live in shame and fear.

Mental Health Care Funding Crisis

Over the last couple years I have talked to many who have had direct and indirect contact with the mental health care system. I have spoke to parents who have tried accessing care for their children, adults who have searched for care as well as many who work in this profession. One thing they all can say is services are unfunded, however when asked where the funding needs to go we all hit a brick wall. They all agree we need shorter wait times but yet nobody has a clear cut plan on how to make this a reality. So is the problem really more funding or is the problem that funding isn't being utilized in a manner that is benefiting those who need it the most.

Over the last few months my daughter has been asking many questions as she gets ready to leave the youth mental health care system and enter into the adult system. Something we both are looking at with fear. Thankfully she has a mom who has had an interest in this field for decades and knows how to advocate for her and our family or she may be left behind to deal with her illnesses on her own.
In her questions and my research I have come to realize that very little is being done to look at where the holes are in mental health care. I have uses my resources to look for clinical trials, case studies and action plans and I must say I am deeply saddened at what I have found. I am also afraid to admit I have had to use my own daughter as a patient in many trail and error cases just to fid things that work for her and what don't work for her. From requesting tests to the use of vitamins and supplements, and also looking at sleep patterns and stress levels. Let me say this, doing this has raised more question then there are answers for out there.

Below you will read a letter that Bailey and I have been working on that once finished will be making its way to MLAs and MPs throughout Canada as well as doctors because we all deserve answers and we all deserve the care we need to be healthy in every way. Some have said I need to come off less angry BUT these holes and lack of protocol cost me a daughter so I am allowed to be angry. Some say it is long, well there is no short answer to starting to get things together so we can all get help.
I do ask you to please give feedback if you like or if you think more needs to be said or eve if you have questions! Just email me at morgansmission13@gmail.com with them and I promise I will get back to you <3
So here it is!

Society is crying for more funding for mental health but nobody is saying where that funding needs to go. Why? Because they don’t know where the problems are because nobody is bothering to ask those who have and are dealing with mental and emotion illness.

Everyone is guessing where the funding should be and nothing is changing. Is the problem lack of beds? Is it lack of available counsellors, psychologist or psychiatrists? Or is it the fact that many who are prescribed medication are not followed to be sure the dose and prescription is right for the patient? Or is it people are not aware of the resources in their area? Are people who see our youth missing signs because they don’t have the education and training needed to see them? Or is it still that so many are embarrassed to talk about their problems? What about those who feel our youth are only playing the system so they don’t need to face reality? These are all questions that need to have answers! How are we able to implement regulations and policies when nobody is looking at the bigger picture?!

If someone would take the time to look at every problem that those of us bring to the table then maybe we can start getting the funding into the areas that need it the most. Like, why are inquests not done on all case where suicide is the cause of death? I bet if this was done then a pattern would be seen on where the holes in the system are. What about cases where family doctors are handing out psychiatric medication but not following up with the patient to make sure the dose is working for them or encouraging them to talk to someone that can help? We wouldn’t be doing this to patients with cancer or diabetes! How about communities that do not have access to the care and treatment needed for those who are suffering from mental illness, why are we not looking at what these communities need to prevent suicides from happening?  Why is it that we require our youth to go through kindergarten preparedness and encourage annual check ups with doctors, eye doctors and dentists but we are not encouraging mental and emotional health check ups? If this was done more and more cases would be caught early enough to be able to have treatment done. Why is it we teach our children about things they feel isn’t going to benefit them in life but yet we are not teaching them how to handle conflict, stress or mental and emotional wellness? If more youth were able to understand the trials and errors of life and that stress can be good but also bad for us then they would be able to make healthier decisions about themselves. What about making sure we are getting the proper minerals and vitamins? Simple blood work will show if we are lacking in one that is required for good mental health. And if there are cases where low income families are unable to get these then why are we not offering supplements for them to ensure of children have the best chance at proper health? We encourage pregnant moms to take vitamins and folic acid to ensure the baby develops in a healthy way but that stops after they are born. This raises the question to how many psychological disorders are being treated that are simply a deficiency that can easily be corrected by helping with proper nutrition and supplementation.

 We are crying for more funding but where should it be going? Nobody seems to have an answer and nobody seems to want to put the work in to figure it out! This is not just a health care issue, this is also an educational and social development issue and its time they worked together to start figuring out where this broken system is failing those who need it the most. Awareness is only going to go so far in changing the mental health care system. We need to have studies done to see where and what is not working and also see what people are struggling with. This can not be done by those who have no idea what is happening, it has to be done by those who have been in this storm and have witnessed first hand the troubles and losses. We need to question the youth and parents of school aged children to see what their stressors are, what problems they are facing and what issues they are having getting the care and treatment they need. Then fix it! We need to look at inquests and see where the system failed them and fix it! We need to stop allowing media to report poorly when incidents happen to those with mental illness. We need to change how referrals are handled so that people are not getting lost in the shuffle. We need to stop the blame and judging for those who work in high stress jobs who struggle and need someone to talk to! In fact in jobs where people are seeing things that can scar them (military, first responders, health care workers etc) we should be encouraging them to see and talk to someone on a regular basis just to do mental and emotional wellness checks and not be made to feel they will loss their job because they are in fact human with human emotions!

We have been crying for more and more funding to mental health but yet nothing has changed in all these years. So is funding really the problem? Or could the problem be that what funding is being given to mental health care is not going to where it needs to be? And if more isn’t done to access the true issues that are lacking, is more funding even going to matter? No it isn’t because it will just be more funding going to areas that don’t need it and more and more problems will keep coming up. If you compare the advancement of other health care acres to mental health you will notice that

while most areas have excelled in research and development, the area of mental health has not. If fact it continues to get worse. With more and more people speaking out and seeking help for themselves and loved ones this area of health care has been sorely lacking. There are so many cases where people are waiting months and even in some cases over a year for treatment, there are cases where people are scared to even seek treatment because they fear losing their jobs, and there are people losing loved ones to suicide because the wait times for treatment is too long or the system is failing them. So why are these areas not being looked at? Why are these problems still happening when funding is being given and so many organizations are raising funds for mental health care? Where is the funding actually going and what problems are being solved with it when the number of people waiting for treatment and care is increasing and the number of suicides each year is rising?

We are all yelling and screaming for more funding but where is the funding actually going? Why are we not hearing about mental health centres being built, more beds in psychiatric wards, research for medications and alternative treatments, or even education for educators, health care workers and parents??

The studies that have been done that have shown progress to work for those with mental illnesses and behavioural disorders are not becoming common practice. Why are we taking more and more from schools that show to help our youth? Classes like gym, art, music and school sports are important to our youth. They increase physical activity and promote problem solving skills, communication and conflict resolution, but yet these classes are becoming electives and not mandatory. Teens are losing out on the possibility of participating in sports due to cost increases and lack of funding to help those who need it. Taking sports and other art programs from youth puts them at risk for other behaviours that may cause an increase in depression, drug use and criminal behaviour. Teens deserve the right to play sports, have music and art programs to further explore things that could make them feel better raising their self esteem and finding a like minded group of friends.

 In order to find the answers to these problems and questions action needs to take place.

1. Inquests into suicides need to happen to find where the system is failing those with mental illness.

2. Questionnaires need to be given to teens and their parents in schools to see where the high stress areas are and also to find those who are struggling with mental illness.

3. Pre-testing when youth are entering the school system to ensure that they are starting with a healthy mind and emotional level and re checks through out their school years.

4. Starting mental and emotional health education in grade school will also teach our youth how to handle and recognize problems before they get out of hand.

5. We need to start treating mental illness like all other physical illnesses and stop separating the two of them in hospital settings, mentally unstable does mean medically unstable.

6. The need for all family doctors to have the resources that will allow them to access psychiatrists and counsellors to get their patient in to someone as soon as possible. They also need a protocol to follow when dealing with mental illness even those they see all the time like anxiety and depression.

7. Policies and protocols when dealing with referrals. Example - They need to be calling and doing another over the phone assessment once they receive the referral.

8. Incentives for those going into the mental health field to encourage the growth that is needed to care for these patients. (They did this in NB when the need for doctors hit the province)

9. Training for those who are front line workers that work with children and others who are vulnerable or high risk.

10. Blood work and a diet questionnaire for all those being seen for possible mental or behavioural disorders to properly rule out a possible deficiency that could be causing the symptoms. 

11. Finding out what interests youth, teens and adults have that make them happy or feel good. And making sure that these interests are something they have access to.

12. Protocol and follow ups for new moms with training to those seeing them or their babies to watch for post partum depression. So moms don’t feel shame when they struggle with PPD.

This list is only a start into what changes need to happen in order to find out the problems and holes in a system that is failing those who need it the most.

This is not just the problem of one ministry, this is a situation that needs to be dealt with by most ministries and they need to work together to solve this problem. Education, health, social development, first nations, and many more on the provincial and federal levels need to stop arguing and start working together to start fixing the problem. It is time to stop throwing money into the wind and start finding the problems that need fixing. Start listening to those of us who have fought the system and lost loved ones because of the holes that are there. The time to act is now, with more and more people speaking out about suicides that are happening in their communities and families the time to listen to them and hear their stories has never been more critical. So I am asking you please act now and start doing what needs to be done to find the problems so that funding can go to where it needs to go and not wasted on promotion and places that are not making a difference to those who need it most.

Please feel free to share your voice on this, Bailey and I both listen and look for answers and solutions to problems. The time to start looking for the right solutions has to happen now before this epidemic gets even more out of control.

Surviving The Holidays

When you have lost someone you love the holidays can be hard to manage and get through. For us it means learning and finding new ways to do old things.

Making new traditions is suppose to be a fun and exciting but when you are creating things to help make a time of year exciting again it is often full of trial and errors.

This year we let Bailey take the lead in what she felt like doing. For us Christmas day was at midnight Christmas Eve after spending time with Greg's family. We came home and we sat and opened our gifts then we got to sleep in on Christmas morning.

The days leading up to Christmas and NYE are often far worse then the days themselves. For us, yet again, those days were hard and also come with a lot of life changes.

Two weeks before Christmas Bailey had another break down and was in the hospital. She then agreed to change her schooling from public to homeschooling. Both these events were major decisions and will be a new experience for us as a family. Once the choice was made Bailey was able to start  taking time for herself to clean up some old demons and relax. She was also able to set a plan in place to help get her through school the next couple years. This also came just days after her dad was laid off which caused her some unneeded stress. We tell her that things will always be fine, we always manage to get through hard times because we stick together but she knew it meant changes for the holidays which she isn't a fan of change.

Christmas Day brought a challenge in itself with having to drive 2 hours both ways to pick up her brother so he was able to have a warm place to stay for a bit till he made his choices for the new year. He leaves Tuesday to start his new adventure. This was not an easy adjustment for Bailey either. Anything that changes her way of life or day to day planning is hard on her. We also spent the day with Greg's family after thinking this year we may just spend it together with just the three of us.

Now as we get ready to start a new year it would seem we are all getting to a point we are tired and wanting things to grow and get better. We have spent the week cleaning out old and unused things to donate, cleaning, organizing and blessing the home. We are determined to make next year the year we really start pulling things together and start focusing on positive growth and changes.

Our family has some big goals we want to accomplish next year and we have some really exciting events that are coming up that can really help others. These will make so much difference in our lives if they all pay off as we plan which means lots of work and positive thinking on our part has to happen.

Surviving the holidays is something we all do when we are faced with it. Now its time to start enjoying them again in our own way. Being gentle with ourselves and remembering to say no to what don't feel right is a big key to that. Making new traditions and finding new ways to stay busy helps pass the time and before you know it you have made it through them.

Today is NYE and tonight we made the choice to stay home and finish up the last of the house clean out that we want done to bring the New Year in fresh. For me getting rid of clutter and unneeded stress and things are key to starting the New Year without added baggage. Physically and mentally we want the next year to be our best. We will NOT be making resolutions but life changes. We will continue or fitness journey, we will continue to eat clean and take the vitamins our body needs, we will continue to work on learning to live life to the fullest and more importantly we will continue to work towards the goals we set every year. 2017 brings many milestones for our family and we plan to mark each and every one of them count. We have a 10 yr Anniversary, a sweet 16, a 40th birthday and a few other's to look forward to and we are also planning to drive across Canada to go home for a visit and finally meet our grandson! We also have a few major events we are part of that we are all looking forward to!!!

So as you all ring in the New Year please remember to take with you positivity and encouragement for all that you plan to do the next year. Do NOT Drink and Drive! Be safe and remember that what you do and how you think will be what makes 2017 the best year of your life!

Happy New Year to you all.

~People who believe do, and people who do believe.......... Believe you can do it and you will ~

When Bullying Crosses the Line

Are you one of those who believe bullying will never go away? Or maybe one of those who think bullying is an over used term.... What is bullying and why has it become so much more common then when us adults were young? And when does bullying cross the line?

For so many the term bullying infuriates us to the point we want something done and fight for the school system and law enforcement to do something to fix the problem. The sad reality is bullying has become a term use to describe behaviour that falls under criminal activity and we are down playing it by not seeking criminal charges for the incident.

Reality is the term bullying only applies to repeated hurtful behaviour that happens on multiple occasions where the balance of power has shifted to one person. You don't get to argue with someone then when things don't go your way you say your being bullied when the balance of power has never shifted to one side. It is also use for the age group 12 and under. Once they reach the age of 12 they are able to be charged under the criminal code or if under the age of 18 the Young Offenders Act.

So when do you stop calling it bullying and see it for what it is? Well lets go through the list. For a lot of people they think that if a youth has physically hit, punched or kicked their child its bullying, well its not its assault and it needs to be report as such because it is NOT bullying it is in fact a criminal offence, people who have items stolen from them is theft NOT a form of bullying, a person who has had vicious things said that can ruin their reputation intentionally is defamation of character and a criminal charge, one who has been threatened, stalked, raped, exploited or harassed again ALL criminal offenses! If we want to change how bullying is handled then we need to stop down playing criminal behaviour by saying its just bullying when if fact it is not!

By down playing these behaviours we are allowing the justice system to look at it differently and the behaviour is then often repeated and in most cases escalates to something far worse! By stating the facts and seeing the behaviours for what they are then you are able to seek a form of consequence that will punish the behaviour. When we were in school if we got into a fight at school or in public we were charged with assault and had a form of punishment for the behaviour, now they get spoken to and nothing happens because we are down playing it and calling it bullying.

So what else do we have to do to help stop the cases of bullying from rising?? We also need to start looking at why these youth are behaving in these manners. If this is all they know they are not going to know that the behaviour is wrong and they need to be put into counselling to get to the root of the problem and be taught what is acceptable behaviour. Rehabilitation needs to be a part of fixing the problem. This also needs to be the case at all ages.

As parents what can we do, well there is honestly a lot we can do. We can teach our children that it is okay to not like someone but it is NOT okay to be mean or speak of them in a manner that will hurt them. We need to also teach our children that not everyone is going to be nice or speak to them the way they have been taught so in these cases we need to teach them to look at the situation and ask what could the person be going through that has them behaving like this. We can teach them that the cyber world is not always kind, that they are going to come across people who will attack them because they feel there is nothing that can be done. We teach them to secure themselves online by not sharing passwords, not adding people we don't know, by keeping computers in common areas of the home and not behind closed doors, by keeping video gaming in common areas and by teaching ourselves what is out there for social media and being an active part of our children's online life. We show our children healthy conflict resolution, set the example for them. If you have an issue or you have been hurt then allow them to see how conflict is resolved so that neither part is hurt intentionally. And more importantly if you need help with any of these DO NOT be afraid to seek resources available to you and your child! The old way of "It takes a village" is one of the best ways to create a community that is safe for all our children!

One thing I explain to parents when it comes to video gaming online is this, would you allow grown men and women into your child's bedroom with the door shut to play games with them? I have yet to receive an answer of yes, so then I ask then why are we allowing in online? You don't know who they are playing with, what is being said in these messages or how old these people are that they are playing with. And as sad as it is adults don't always realize that at 2am there are still younger teens up playing video games!

So with the younger youth that bullying does apply to, how can we help stop the behaviour before it escalates into criminal behaviour? The answer to this is not as hard as most would think. By starting when they start school you make sure they are learning to express their emotions in a healthy and safe way, you teach the rest to be understand and have empathy for the classmate who is going through a hard time. You teach them the difference between being mean and expressing the truth in a non hurtful way. Teacher are able to be a huge part in fixing these problems by implementing emotional checks, ask the kids in the morning how they are feeling and if there is someone upset or angry then encouraging them to talk about it, repeat that routine after lunch etc because people can feel different ways throughout the day. When there is a problem you can teach them how to properly work it out with the other student. Conflict resolution is a skill they will need for the rest of their lives! We need to start putting the emotional and mental health of our youth and teens first because they are NOT going to learn the way they should if they are sitting there angry because someone hurt their feelings.

We can not keep telling them to "suck it up" by doing this you are teaching them to bottle their emotions to the point they WILL explode and it will result in unwanted behaviour! Teach them to express and resolve the issues they are having. And please do not be scared to be a parent! Your not your child's friend, there is plenty of time to be a friend when they are adults (trust me). As a parent our job is raise a child who is able to express themselves properly, be able to set goals and achieve them without us holding their hand (let them fall and get up on their own), teach them how to cope with failure and rejection because we all know that is a reality in our adult world, allow them to want something and have to work for it (they will have to work for things when they are in the working world or in post secondary schooling) and most importantly make yourself available to them. When they are adults you deserve to be able to sit back and enjoy your own life again and not have to raise an adult.

For those of you who don't agree or only partially agree that is fine and I respect your choices but I do ask you to remember that your child is part of a bigger picture. It is not just them out there in the world, we want to protect our children by nature, but, I know we all want our children to grow up to be respected and successful in their lives without hurting others to get there.

Bullying can be a thing of the past but it will take each and every one of us to do our part in fixing the problems. We need to stop downplaying behaviour, encourage emotional and mental health, and be the example our future needs.

Healing After A Suicide Attempt

Today marks 1 year since our daughter attempt suicide. It was the seconds worst day I had as a parent.
A year ago our daughter suffered a mental breakdown due to her PTSD symptoms and swallowed three bottles of pills, she is lucky to still be alive. She had an angel watching over her that day and it was her twin sister that she had lost just 16 months earlier to suicide.
Healing after a loss of that nature has not been easy for Bailey or for any of us but we have continued to fight each and every day to heal ourselves and to help others that face the same loss and those who feel so lost they believe suicide is there only option to make the pain stop.
Over the last year we have had ups and downs, laughs and cries, joy and pain but we are all still here and doing what we can to help ourselves and others.
So many ask why we want to help so many others when we are still ourselves healing but what they don't understand is helping gives us purpose. It gives us a reason to keep fighting and living our lives so that others can see that healing does happen when you have the right support system in place.
Bailey and I have spend the last year working on both ourselves and ways to help others. We have taken courses through Red Cross, we have taken SafeTalk and now I am taking courses in Mental Health Counselling and Psychology courses. All have helped both ourselves and others we have talked to.
Learning to help ourselves has allowed us to find pieces of us that had been lost. Joys we once had that have returned and new interests have been found as well. Healing from loss can be rewarding if we allow it to be. We have found ways to physically help ourselves that have in turn helped us mentally and emotionally. We began working out and eating clean which has improved our sleeping habits, our physical health and it also has given us family time together. We have started going to more and more events both in our community and local communities. This has allowed us to meet and talk to people that we never would have had the pleasure of meeting had we locked ourselves away and suffered alone. We have found interests that maybe were always there but had no reason to be explored and now as we find to new "us" we have allowed them to come out. You see healing can be a pathway to someone new.
When you lose a child that old person you once were is not who you are after the loss. You become a different person that look sand feels so much differently then you did before and that is okay! For me I have accepted that I am not longer the person I once was but now I know I need to find the person I am today. Change is never easy but the sooner you accept it and start looking inside to find that new you then you start to heal a little more each day. For some its a new hobby to ground and center yourself, a new interest that expands your body and mind, a new friends who just "gets" you and wants to see you become the best you out there and more importantly change can allow you to finally find your purpose.
Bailey has healed so much in such a short time. Maybe because she is young or maybe because she has had so many amazing people come into her life that want to see her succeed and share the life story in hopes of helping so many youth that need to hear it or maybe because they can relate in some small way and know that she too can beat this and live the life she deserves. Bailey is and will continue to be under the care of doctors for a long time to come but that is okay because she knows her mind needs to be healthy and that she needs to be stable to do all she sets out to accomplish in her life. While being an advocate is important to her she also knows she needs to accomplish her long term personal goals too. Some days are harder then others but she gets up and shows up everyday and that is what counts. For her to show others that even with loss and mental illness you are able to fight back and do what you need to in order to help yourself first she is showing so many that strength is possible. Believing in yourself is possible after depression tells you that you shouldn't, that doing those things that once caused your anxiety to peak will soon become an interest that brings great excitement, that the addictions you once faced will become a part of your past so you can find those healthy ways to cope with life's stressors and that loss can change you into someone who is stronger, more loving, more accepting, and someone who lives each and everyday to the fullest and never takes an opportunity for granted! My daughter at 15 has gained so much knowledge and passion at such a young age that she has shown me learning new things is always possible, you are only as old as you feel and that strength comes when you need it most.
Today we celebrate that she is still with us and still going strong despite those bad days. We celebrate the life she is learning to live despite the greatest loss she will ever face and we thank her angel for showing her that she needs to be here, that even with Morgan gone she is still her protector and her voice the same as she was while she was with us.
Today is a new day, and another year to heal and grow. <3

When Reality Hits Like a Bag of F*%King Bricks!!!

First off I am going to start with yes I am okay!

With less then a week till the angelversary of Morgan's suicide it is to be expected that stress will play a role in our day to day lives. Yesterday was no exception!

My day started of great, I got up took my supplements, ate and cleaned half the house. Then it went to productive, I worked on some pamphlets and information for our upcoming fundraiser and then it went to what the fuck just happened!

So let me go back a few nights and explain a few things so you kinda get where this all came from. So my C-PTSD showed it ugly side last week when I woke up in a cold sweat and my thigh burning from a nightmare. I was attacked from behind and was being dragged across a parking lot which resulted in my thigh getting road burn. May have been a dream but when I woke those scares on my thigh were burning like they were fresh. Nothing like jumping up out of bed at 5am and not knowing what the hell is going on. The only thing that calmed me was seeing my husband laying beside me still sleeping. I never did go back to sleep that day. Instead I poured my energy into getting things together for our announcement.

Fast forward a couple days and we come to yesterday. Bailey went to school to write her first exam. I did some work and checked her facebook. Yes I check it and I don't give a rats ass what anyone says she is my daughter and my job to protect her and I will do that till my last breath. So turns out Bailey didn't have a so good day. She almost relapsed and thank god no episode. I messaged and told her to get her ass home to which she didn't question.

Now what happens after she got home some will say I was harsh, some will say she needed it and some will think WTF did you do. So let me be clear, unless you have lived in my house and know the ins and outs of what we go through, sat in countless hours of therapy, counselling and doctors appointments YOU don't get to judge how we decide to handle tough things that come up in our lives. I know what is best and sometimes the whole protecting and baby our kids needs to stop. And yesterday was the hard cold facts or reality that she needed.

So Bailey wrote her first exam yesterday, last year she didn't have to but this year she did. She came home and I questioned her about her facebook messages and she started to reply with "I'm not prepared for exams, I broke down in tears at the end" to which I replied well you have been told that you need to focus on the task at hand and stop thinking forward. She then replied well its a week away .... and I said oh no you are NOT blaming your sister for your choices no more! Morgan isn't around to defend herself and no way in hell you are going to grow up with the poor me attitude or blaming your sister for your life choices! You see in this house the first time you do something wrong its a mistake, you continue that mistake and it is now a choice and YOU are responsible for the outcome!  Did Bailey lose her twin to suicide YES, does that mean she gets to roll over and blame that on every bad day or poor choice NO! She is in control of what she does and how she feels. God knows she has done enough therapy in the last two years she could probably get a damn degree in it! Am I being cold heart, maybe to some but in our house NO! We all lost Morgan that day, we have all lost someone we love and we have all lost a part of ourselves but in no way are we victims! We are survivors and that is the mentality we need to keep going. Bailey has PTSD yes and I know when those signs are showing and yesterday was not one of them, yesterday was a high stress day with regular life and she almost allowed herself to give way to that and blame someone else for those actions, THAT IS NOT OKAY!! And I made damn sure she knew that. So how did her evening play out, just fine! She bucked up, ate supper, spend some time with dad and went to bed like she does every single night and today she is just fine, home listening to music and dancing.

So how did my day go to WTF well as a mom who has C-PTSD and finally had been diagnosed with BPD at 21 I have my own battles to fight. Last night for the first time in almost 16-17 years I literally could feel that reality slipping away from under me. NOT cool and NOT fun! I know I am not crazy, I know I have been through a lot of shit but I am not crazy. But last night holy hell I thought I was getting there! And then being open with husband he knew something was wrong and to try to explain how you feel that line of reality fade and its like your living in a dream world but there is no way to fight it made me sound like I was losing it. I told him I had a headache for two days and nights straight (yesterday it was gone) I was hungry but felt sick all day, and if I stopped and sat for any length of time it was like I had no control of where my mind went and I honestly though a break down was going to happen. The last time I had this feeling it was before I had the twins and I was more danger to myself then anyone ( or at least in my own head I thought I was) I haven't self harmed in YEARS and its not something I would think I would do. I don't drink, and I don't do drugs. I cant, because I know if days like yesterday happen it would be so easy to give into those weaknesses. For me that isn't an option.
HA writing this really makes me think my husband must have thought I was going crazy last night!
So on to what I did. Well I told him how I felt, and honestly I still don't know what would have made that happen yesterday. It honestly wasn't any more stressful then other days, in fact I have had so much worse days then yesterday that I was now starting to analyze myself. Ok I have done psychotherapy, the workshops and everything in the past so its just what I do is analyze and research. Yeah well this chick right here had NOTHING I couldn't for the life of me find anything that would have caused last night's episode and I was pissed! Never have I ever not been able to find the root of a problem or the cause of an action and I was NOT having it! So what did I do? Well I ate supper, cleaned up, and went up to read my book. I haven't picked up a book to read since Morgan died. So when Bailey went to bed I looked around and thought ok I am not losing my mind, I am tired! I am tired of fighting against every person who thinks we should be shutting our mouths about Morgan's suicide, Bailey's suicide attempt, her struggle with self harm, my struggle with self harm in the past, my husband's anxiety, my BPD, our PTSD, bullying and how it IS connected to domestic violence, mental illness and how people need to treat it the SAME WAY we do cancer and every other illness that cant KILL people, the fact that our human races has become so fucked in how we think and our priorities (gun rights over human lives, wild animals in cages, their natural instinct over a child's life, the fact that money and power are more important then compassion and empathy, how we fight for rights that should just be there like who we can love and marry, or that we have to fight for treatment to illnesses that shouldn't be killing our youth.) Yes I feel more deeply then the average person, I see things clearer then most people and I can look at a situation and figure out how to fix it and what the problem is. I cant help that! It is who I am and I cant keep blocking myself from that to make other people feel comfortable. So you see I wasn't losing my grasp with reality IN FACT my reality was making itself clear for the first time in YEARS and I was trying to suppress it.

This morning I got to talk some to a good friend and what she said is what made me realize that I have been living with so many walls up because I feel so much more then most people (Morgan was the same way) I attract the wrong people in herds and the good people in my life tend to be those who I never let go of so they have been with me for decades. So am I crazy?? Maybe in some ways but not mentally, I am just a mom who lost a part of my heart forever, a mom who fights everyday for the rights of my children and your children, I fight for the day when everyone can live without fear of who they are and what invisible illness they have, I fight for the day we all have access to the treatment we need when we need it so no others have to die from a treatable illness and I live for the day that everyone can have their opinion and not be judged for it, the day we can all say we agree to disagree but find a common ground to live together on without wanting to change everyone to who we are. Honestly if we were all the same it would be boring as hell! We are all individuals, we all have goals, hopes and dreams and we all deserve to live without fear of what others think about us.

It has taken me a long time to get to a point in my life that I don't give a rats ass what people think about me. How I look, feel and think is not anyone's business but what others think of me is none of my business, nor do I care. I am happy, I have my days but I am happy and that is all that matters. And it is all that should matter to you! If you are happy then nobody has the power to take that from you unless you give them that power. If that is the case it is time for you to take that back. Just as I have with mine <3 So yesterday it is safe so say my reality hit and it hit hard lol. Today I pick myself up, dust it off and start letting that reality make its way through my life again. Oh and I will warn you, I have been through a lot of shit, and I mean a lot..... so reality coming back full force means those who get in my way with what I want may not know what hit them...... just ask those who have had the pleasure of dealing with my determination if you need to know what your up against ;)

Now time for music and a good hard core workout! Love you all who have stood by my side and who continue to, you mean more to me then you will ever know <3