Self Harm - Coping or Attention Seeking

It would seem self harm is a growing "trend" in today teens but is it a trend or a coping method many use to deal with issues they are yet to understand.

Truth be told unless you have raised a teen who self harms/ed or as a teen you self harmed you will never fully understand the reasons behind self harming.

So what is self harm. Self harm is basically anything that intentionally hurts the individual, cutting, burning, and even pulling hair out can be a form of self harm. You also need to watch for things that will hurt their self esteem, some have used hair cutting, piercing, tattooing as form of getting mental pain out. I know hard to imagine how a teen chopping their hair off could be seen as mental pain relief but it happens.

So lets get to coping or attention seeking. Anyone who has ever self harmed will tell you that after they did it they feel ashamed and more often then not they hide it. It is not something that they walk around telling everyone or showing everyone. Why because its not for others it is for themselves. Are there teens/youth who do it for what adult say is attention? Sure but my question is if they are hurting themselves for attention then what is the reason they are seeking attention in the first place! Are they lacking attention at home, do they feel they are not as popular as someone else (self esteem issues) or do they feel the need to do it to fit in (again self esteem issues) so is it really for attention or is it a deeper issue that may not be a mental illness.

Self harming seems to be more openly talked about now because of social media. More and more are being open about it and more are talking about it. So like anything else there will be teens/youth who try it to see if it really does help with the emotional and mental pains they cant explain. Does it mean it will become their coping method? No. But it does mean that as a parent you need to talk to your child and find out what is going on and what is causing them to seek out methods to cope with their life and what is happening in it. You need to ask those tough questions about peers, look at your home life and what has been happening and look at the pressures that your child has on them.

One thing that really bothers me is those who say of you self harm you are suicidal. NO it does not mean they are. YES there are those who are suicidal that self harm and YES self harming is dangerous and can result in injury that can be life threatening. Either by cutting to deep or even from an onset of infection.

So how do we deal with it as parents. Well for one if you don't understand or cant imagine doing it do not make them feel like they are stupid or crazy because they are self harming as a form of coping. Don't make them feel and think their problems are no big deal, this will only make them feel worse and make the problem worse and shut down any communication you have with them. Is it scary to think something is wrong that this is what they are doing YES and fear is something that can cause us as parent to react out of fear without thinking. You can NOT do this! This will cause your child to go back into their shell and not want to tell you if something gets worse or cause them to self harm even more.  You need to remember not to put your fears on them, they are our fears and our problems NOT your child's. Children today have enough stress and pressure on them and they don't need the added stress of adults problems.

How do we help? Well we can stay calm when talking to them, listen to hear and not to respond, and be supportive. Ask them what you can do to help them stop, ask if they need to seek treatment or therapy, ask what is happening at school, with friends, or in their life in general. Be active in their lives so you know their friends and what's happening with their friends. Yes our children need privacy but as a parent you have a job to know what your child is doing, who they are with and where they are. Look for personality changes, changes in clothing (long sleeves in summer), changes in appearance in general and ask yourself if they are "typical teen" changes or is there more going on. Nobody does better detective work then a mad or worried parent so make use of it!

Its not easy when you are dealing with someone who self harms. they are already fragile and you need to walk on basically egg shells to keep from pushing them the wrong way. It not easy and it is not fun by any stretch of the imagination. As a parent of two who self harmed (one who is no longer with us & one who is 5 months clean) it is a very fine line you have to walk and you never know what may be a trigger to start the self harm again. For some it can even become an addiction and then you are dealing with a whole set of other issues. That can be even more challenging as a parent.

As someone who self harmed as a teen for years it is not a fight that just disappears when you get older. It is like any other illness that can show its ugly head at any time to make you struggle and push you mentally. Nobody will fully understand the reason why people self harm. Honestly there are many reasons, copying, not being able to understand the mental pain but being able to understand physical pain, to feel in control of your feelings and body, to want a release from everything you struggle with or they have disassociated themselves so they don't even realize they are doing it.

Unless you have been there then you cant understand, and unless you are will to be open to understanding how someone can intentionally hurt themselves then please don't say anything to make them feel worse then they already do. You can not judge someone's struggles and you can not compare them to anyone else. We ALL cope and deal with things differently and that is our right.

So before you go judging someone for self harming ( and yes that even means those who self harm and judging others for their choice to self harm) ask them if there is something you can help them with. Be an option for their coping not a reason for their coping.

Life Changes

Its been a busy and exciting few weeks in our lives. A move, new jobs, new experiences and new connections to friends. If anything I should know first hand a phone call or a moment can change your life forever and send you down a whole new path in life. Honestly, for me it's like just when you think you have settled into your life after a change something else comes along to send us on a wild ride. So for me this is just another adventure on this road called life.

Like everything I have ever been through I always find peace in music and the last three weeks have been no different. I have been able to met new people who have brought new music into my life, many songs of which I or Bailey can relate to personally.

So let's break it down shall we! So the middle of July my husband got a call with a job offer on a site just outside of Edmonton. Well of course he is going to take it, I mean who wouldn't take a Monday to Friday job! Not only did it get us out of Fort McMurray but also closer to the editor for the website/magazine that Bailey is now writing for. So for us it didn't take much thinking to say yes to the move.

Moving in itself is always stressful but when you are packing and sorting and needing it to be done in two weeks it is even more stressful! We made the decision to store our things and stay in my in-laws for a bit. We figure this will give us time to find the right location for our family and get some debts paid and money saved after the financial crisis we were faced with in the last year. So lots of changes just in that one decision.

Then we add the job Bailey has been given the opportunity to have. She is now the Teen Beat writer for Starlight Music Chronicles which has already in its short time connected her (and us) to artists and other writers who have a personal connection to our goals with Morgan's Mission. She has been introduced to local artists Bryan Finlay who has a personal connection to bullying and writes about it in his song Bulletproof, Shay Esposito who speaks about her battles with bullying and mental illness in her songs I See Everything and Medication, the band Rend with their song Scars and many others. The chief editor and creator behind SMC also has a very personal connection to suicide as she lost her cousin to suicide a few years ago which gives her and our family a personal connection like nothing anyone could ever imagine. Candice Marshall has a heart of gold and knows the importance to making these issues known to everyone.
 
So while all these changes have been happening and yes they are all positive and good changes we are often left with the question how is everyone adjusting. Well Bailey will take time and the true test will be when school starts before we will know for sure how she has adjusted to the move. For Greg, well he is happy to be out of an isolated town that seen his daughter leave us way too soon. And for me I am torn. While I know so many things that are happening are all good and that change can be good I am left thinking this is the first major decision we have had to make since Morgan ended her life and its hard. I feel a connection to Fort McMurray that will never go away. It is where the first major change happened for our family but also the city which Morgan was last a part of our family physically and that means I will always feel a push pull connection to Fort McMurray.

Reality is Fort McMurray is an amazing community with support that went above and beyond what I ever expected for my family after the loss we faced but I also know that resources Bailey needs in her life are not there on a full time basis and that isn't something we can live with. I will always be grateful for the community and will always continue to fight for the resources they need but for my family we need to have those close at hand for Bailey now.

So now we yet again will adjust to life changes and take each obstacle as it comes like every other one that has been thrown at us in the last couple years. There will be rough times and patches, but there will also be good times and exciting opportunities to make it worth the choice we made. So in the words of Bryan Finlay "Nothing good can last forever so live it up while we can" (Live It Up) and honestly at this point in my life it is the best advise I have heard in a song so for me that is just what I am going to do!

Living With a Child Who Has PTSD

Many don't realize that PTSD is not just something that our military personnel battle. PTSD is a disorder that ANYONE who has experiences a traumatic event can suffer with. For our family it is all three of us at some level, however as parents to a teen who suffers from PTSD it means our lives are often left being unpredictable each day.

When your child suffers from this disorder it means bouts of anxiety, depression, a growing list of triggers and on top of that appointments with doctors and therapists.
Its been just over a year since we found our daughter and Bailey's twin sister after she had ended her life and reality has been setting in.

For Bailey it has been a year of lost friends & new friends gained, a year of learning and discovering triggers which sadly are just starting to surface, and also a year of trial & error with getting her back on track.

What many don't realize is when you are dealing with someone who PTSD you have to watch EVERYTHING you say, do and what they do. There are times her brain just decides to re-play the events of the day Morgan died and there is nothing she can do to stop it. There are times if she is caught off guard by a touch she just about jumps out of her skin but yet there are days she needs to be cuddled. There are times she is so tired from getting through the day and experiencing new things that it takes her two days to recover. Sadly this is how she will live for the rest of her life, not to mention there are many things we have cut out of her life so she isn't being forced into dealing with even more triggers. As parents it can be exhausting and very painful to watch. Not to mention we both have our own symptoms of PTSD to deal with.

My husband who never had issues leaving myself or our children before can now find himself in a full anxiety/panic attack if he is away from us for too long. He is hyper vigilant to what Bailey is  watching or being exposed to for fear it will trigger something and then he has his daily flash backs he has to deal with as well. Flash backs are the worst, its like reliving the day all over again and you have no control over it.

Then myself well I argue with myself in my head when flash backs start or that dark feeling of loss starts to creep over me. Then I am left standing there thinking I must look like an idiot to others who can see me because for me I zone out completely to be able to bring myself back from it.
To know what each person is going through or feeling is impossible because each of us is different and each of us have different triggers, symptoms and coping methods. Which means just in our home alone we have three who all experienced the same trauma but yet all three of us have different symptoms etc of PTSD. The only thing we have in common is that when one is suffering the others are able to be there and it isn't a trigger.

Living with a child who has PTSD is almost like walking on egg shells all the time. Your scared of something setting them back, your scared something they see will send them into a flash back, your scared something they experience through the day will cause a nightmare and your scared someone will do something to them throughout the day that will cause a reaction that they can not control and you worry that the schools will never be equipped to deal with a child who may or may not have an episode that day or a reaction to something that has happened or to something someone has said or done.

So what is it like living with a child with PTSD? Its a living nightmare of constant worry, but also a life of living in the moment because that may be all you have with them each day. It is a life of explaining why they may or may not react in a "normal" way to certain things and a life time of making sure that they are watched and get the help they need when they need it!
We are all survivors but with that comes ups and downs. Its what we learn and take from those ups and downs that get us through each day and is a guide to help through other days.

Coming to The Light

So many things have popped up and so many things have come to light in the last few weeks since we have been home.

Bailey is finally at a great place and is starting to look forward to more things and putting herself out there more to better help others. She has been presented with amazing projects that she is finding time to put effort into, however, I have been informed it is summer and teen advocates deserve a break :) THIS to me is a good sign. This shows me that while she knows her voice is important not only to others but also to herself. She knows that if she allows herself to get too wrapped up in everything else then she will lose herself and her light. So many cant figure that out at 30 and here she is at just 14 knowing she needs to balance her life. She knows she still needs to be a kid. How did we miss that our little girl has aged 20 years in such a short time? Simple we as adults are so busy filling our plates and keeping ourselves busy we forget that we need to allow our light to shine and relax! We need to unplug and spend time doing what we love and enjoy doing and not focus everything we do around work!

We need to take time to recharge ourselves and find our inner peace. So as busy and crazy as our lives are between Morgan's Mission, work, sports, school, doctors, therapists and being a family Bailey has yet again taught us a lesson that we need to stop and find time for ourselves to do NOTHING! Watch movies, eat junk food (this I don't like), hang out with friends, play in the rain (when we get it) and to just BE!

Coming to Light can mean many things to many people. For us its about finding the balance so our light don't disappear, for others it is making sure they always see the light ahead of them so they don't give up. Those are the ones we need to guide to things that will help them. It is so easy in todays world to get caught up in the "trends" on social media that belittle how you look, feel or present yourself. There are so many things out there that teens are getting caught up in that are tearing down their self esteem that we as adults have to do more to stop these from happening.

The latest ones being the don't judge me and the belly button challenge. BOTH make teens feel they are less then they really are. Who cares if you can wrap your arm around your waist, news flash your body is not designed to do this naturally. And don't judge me, many are making fun of those who do have scars, look different, have acne etc and then make themselves look normal for the camera. Ok , and I am shaking my head as I write this, girls you are going to have skin changes, your going to have girls who don't pluck the same as others, your going to have days you do not feel like wearing make up or doing your hair and you know what WHO CARES! That is your body and your choice! THAT is what matters! Guys you also will have skin changes, some get facial hair at different times (heredity cant be helped) your going to have some with acne and guys who "manscape" and others who don't and you know what WHO CARES again this is your body and your choice!

As parents we need to be teaching our children to be happy with themselves and stop judging others based on looks. We need to stop judging ourselves based on looks because honestly we can be just as bad on ourselves and teens can be and guess what THIS is where they see it and learn it.
Women we are our worst critic and we can be brutal! And at what cost? Our daughters and sons see this and think this is how women should be viewed and treated!

So with that being said I have learnt a lot from my daughter the last couple weeks yet again. Life happens and sometimes life sucks but for all of us its a process that we can either live to the fullest each day OR we can choose to just exist and let most of life pass us by. For us we are choosing to live and make the best of each day as it comes and to not lose our light in this life.

Time For A Revolution

Today has been a day of reopened wounds as our community has been hit with yet another teen suicide. In the last 370 days this makes the third teen suicide in our region. My heart shattered today as the family of the second young girl lost filled me in on the loss of yet another daughter.
To know there is now another family that will struggle to carry on and find a new normal in their lives my anger surfaced. My blood began to boil and I shook I was so upset and angry. I have done very well with not letting my anger win but today it did and I am going to tell you why.
The last year I watched my own family be torn to the core with the loss of Morgan, I watch a carefree 13 year old grow up 10 years and become wise beyond her years in mental health, suicide and bullying because her identical twin sister was taken from her.
The last 7 months we have watched another family struggle with the same battles and feelings after the loss of their daughter. And now again we will watch and reach out to another family torn to their very core to make sure they have support from people who can say "I know how you feel and you are ok and those feelings are normal" while the rest of society tells them they need to move on and keep living their lives.
I am angry because people have it in their minds that they can put a time from on grief, that you should be worried about how the suicide effects others while you are shattered into a million pieces and trying to keep those pieces together so you can heal, but most of all I am angry because we as a society would rather stick our heads in the sand then face tough issues head on!! Well guess what no more! Enough is enough!
If you cant talk about suicide and mental health illness and care the same way as you can cancer, diabetes, heart disease, and hell even male impotence (which even gets TV commercial time and is easier to talk about then suicide and mental health) then I am sorry but you need to give your head a shake! SUICIDE is now the leading cause of death in teenage girls! That means statistically your daughter has a better chance of ending her own life then getting hit by a drunk driver or developing cancer! Scary thought huh!
Mental Health illness will effect 1 in 5 people. Which in turn effects those around them indirectly which means NOBODY is safe from mental illness or its effects. World Health Organization has already stated by 2020 mental illness will out number ALL other illness with the except of coronary heart disease. So your odds of having to seek help for mental health illness in a family member is pretty good. You know what you will be faced with?? Lack of care and resources, long wait time which for some is a death sentence,  not to mention little to no help for those who are indirectly effected or are a suicide survivor. Has my daughter been lucky to have great help and people behind her, yes she is, but let me tell you it does not happen for everyone and honestly where was all this help for her twin when she needed it.
Anger..... it is really one of those emotions that I am entitled to feel and nobody will tell me different. My only positive in it is I can be my most pushy and creative when I am angry. I have no issues stepping on toes or swinging for the outfield when I am angry about something that is preventable and treatable. Why because nobody deserves to suffer in silence, nobody deserves to struggle to put their lives back together, nobody deserves to be looked down on for seeking help, nobody deserves to feel shame for an illness they CAN NOT help!

Thankfully we have an amazing MP who seen my post and continues to take our issues seriously and wants to organize a meeting and task force which is long over due! Together we will tackle and make it well known the changes that have to happen, and what plan needs to be put in place for things to change, for my community, my province and all of Canada! My community is isolated but our others communities that are part of Wood Buffalo are even more isolated and I WILL NOT allow anyone to forget about them. I know I have support in those communities as well and they agree change needs to happens and I will not stop until these changes have happened!
So today I lick my reopened wounds and carry on with my fight. My anger will subside and I will continue to survive and live my life, but be warned I am a mom on a mission for change and nobody does better work then a PO'd mama bear! This is my community and I will NOT let it be swept to the side NOR will I let anyone forget we are here and deserve the same resources and care that any other city of our size and population gets!
So Fort Mac who is in??? Its revolution time and alone or with an army I am fighting this war not only with mental health but bullying as well. I am not stopping and I am not sorry for that!

Remembering Morgan

On the day Morgan ended her life and we left the hospital to come home, we were greeted by a swarm of dragonflies.

9 Months Old
 Bailey & Morgan

Kindergarten

Looking back now I remember the last time we had seen so many together. It was after my grandfather had passed away and we had taken the twins to my in-laws trailer for the day. We decided to take the long way home and we had a swarm of dragonflies follow us and surround us most of the way home.

They say they represent change, transformation and adaptability but also joy and invite you to dive deeper into your emotions. Well I don’t think these two events could have meant all of us diving deeper into our emotions.

It’s been a year. The longest, emotion filled, time consuming, reflective and eye opening year me and my family has ever had to go through.

Reflecting….. Seems many who face a loss reflect on times of happiness and how you continue on. For me I soon realized what I could tolerate in life and what I couldn’t. I no longer tolerated petty complaining, those who didn’t serve a purpose in my life and more importantly I realized just how short, precious and cruel life can be.

Grade 2

No matter how long you have been healing when you lose someone to suicide the “what if’s” & “If only’s” never go away and they never stop. If only I hadn’t stopped to grab magazines, if only we hadn’t stopped to grab Morgan’s guitar books, what if I had stayed home with her, but reality is nothing I or we did or didn’t do would have made a difference.The fact is my baby girl, the youngest of five, is no longer with us physically.



Fall 2008

The fact is we all will remember and do everything we can to continue on without her by our sides. The one child who always cuddled with me and cried on my shoulder about the evils of the world, the one who was always the first to great family at the door with a hug and the last to hug them when they left, the one who always felt the way no child should feel, the one who always seen the good in everyone and everything no matter how they made her or others feel, and
the one who gave life meaning when all hope and faith was lost.

On June 27^th 2014 this world lost a young woman determined to change it for the good what all it did was hurt and break her. In the end the hurt and pain was too much for a young mind and body despite the old soul she was.


I think back to every memory, every smile, tear and every hug, head butt, kiss and I love you mama, but also every annoying habit, the sibling fights (and man her and her twin could fight) every push for independence, everything a parent complains about and I am left thinking WOW.




Christmas 2009

Grade 3

 Every time a parent complains, wishes things were different, wishes their child would just listen, I am left thinking yet again “if only”. If only I could hear her yell down the stairs that Bailey used her makeup, if only she was here to stomp up the stairs cause for a 90 pond girl she always sounded like a herd of elephants going up and down stairs and if only I could hear I love you mama one more time.

As much as we as parents think it’s annoying to hear them complain of fight with us/siblings, trust me, without it in your house life becomes quiet and silence is not always good and what we want.



Grade 4

I see parents and teens on phones or other technology when out on what should be a family get together and I think “how can you not engage or talk to each other”. I want to tell them that in a blink of an eye your world and life can change and YES it can be your family! Enjoy your children, live with them and make memories with them so they have those to reflect on when you’re gone or in our case we can look back on because she is gone!



Christmas 2011

Today, June 27^th, will be hard without a doubt but I refuse to just let my daughter be another “high profile” teen suicide cause by the effects of bullying. What I choose for her memory and honour is a young girl who wanted change in this world for all so they could feel safe wherever they were, so they could look in the mirror and be proud of what they seen looking back at them, that each and every person is seen as an equal despite their differences and to help heal those who need it.

I want for her to be the face of change; the reason why we stop the abuse children put each other through and be the face of change for all children in this generation and future generations.



Cheer Provincial Champs
2012

What I choose for Morgan’s Mission Memorial Society is a society that fights for change, that researches and educates others (youth, teens and parents alike), and who is personally there for other families faced with the same issues we have been through. Why? Because THIS is who Morgan was and forever will be.



Grade 6 2013
 

We are not a family who has suffered a loss and is lost in grief but a family of survivors who have faced reality and walked right through every damn thing that this year has thrown at us!

Morgan Lynn Dunbar is and always will be the daughter to Natasha Lee Dunbar & Gregory Lloyd Dunbar, Sister to Amber, Emillee & Austin Jenkins, identical twin to Bailey Anne Dunbar, Proud aunt to April Lee Savoy who was her pride, joy and love of her life, Granddaughter to Doug & Paulette Jenkins and Kevin & Rosanne Dunbar, Great granddaughter to Dorothy Everett and Doris Foster, Niece to Jeff, Brandi (DJ) and Tiffany (James) Jenkins & Chris (Ashley) Dunbar, Cousin to Kobe, Taylor, Brynlee, Dezi, Shayla, Shawn, Kiera, Kelsey and Brody, and best friend to Isobel, Riley, Taylor, Sarah and many many more. I have yet to meet someone who knew her that wasn’t touched by her in some way.



Easter 2014

So today, one the first angelversary, we will not mourn the loss of Morgan but celebrate her short 13 years of life and everything she stood for. She is missed and loved dearly and forever will be missed and loved beyond words. Nothing will ever change that.




June 2014
Two weeks before her death
Pictured with her niece April

What will change is how one girl can & will be the face of change so that others will never have to face the same torment & abuse she endured. That other will have the help & resources needed when she didn’t have them to help her get that light back at the end of the tunnel and lastly how society looks at bullying/cyber bullying and mental health illness in youth & teens.

THIS is what Morgan always wanted for everyone. A life free from fear, abuse and help for all those who need at the time they need it the most.

So please, today light a candle, porch light etc. and remember not just Morgan but all those who have been lost to suicide, bullying and mental illness and maybe just maybe talk to your children about the evils of the world and ask them what we can do to make it better for them.

June 2013

 

             
 
 
 
 

Learning to Live Again

Learning to live again after any tragedy is a process but after a suicide you go through a process like no other.

The first year you are numb, you feel you can't breath; you hurt all over, and feel like you will never live again. You exist but you don't live. The first year you are learning how to cope and deal with the pain, the unanswered questions and all the what if's you can possibly think of. It's hard there is no other way to explain it. You exist through all the first holidays, and you count every month until you reach that first year. Then what? Then you have to learn to live again.

In the second year you are learning to live your life again. Finding ways to see the good in the world, things that bring you joy, and ways to keep going that make you feel alive again.

Everyone will have things that helped them, like taking time to enjoy the small things that once brought you joy, taking time to write down three things each day that made you smile or doing those small things you enjoyed that always brought you happiness.

For me it’s about finding my purpose again. Finding what will make me feel as whole as I can while a piece of me is gone. Nothing or nobody will ever fill that empty place in my heart that was once held by my baby girl but I need and want to find a way to live again.

The things I once enjoyed up to now have held little to no joy in my life. I find picking up a book to read it allows my mind to wonder, picking up my camera to take photos brings back memories of taking photos of everything that my children did, and anytime I feel that pull to do a craft I am reminded of the times my dining room would be filled with the smell of glue, and glitter all over the dining room floor. So how do I learn to live again?

The answer is not simple nor is it easy but it is what my daughter would want. It will be a process like everything else that has been during the last year. I will try different tips and I will start doing the things I once enjoyed again and welcome those memories as the flood back. I will start writing again and challenging myself to do new things and go places we always wanted to go. Why because that is what you do when you are living. You make those plans, take those trips and enjoy every moment you have living your life. It won't be easy and it will bring a lot of tears but those tears will be brought on by happy memories that I will welcome.

Learning to live again will also mean accepting every holiday as a challenge and every occasion we celebrate with Bailey as bringing both happiness and tears knowing she should be celebrating those with her twin sister. From getting her permit, starting high school, every birthday, graduating high school, getting married and starting a family are just some things that will pose a challenge for both Bailey and us as a family.

Learning to live again will mean planning vacations and trips we always wanted to do with the girls so they could see their country and experience all we could offer them.

It means taking time for me to do everything I once loved and learn to love them again and not feel guilty for smiling and laughing.

It means taking time to spend with my husband free from guilt when Bailey isn't with us every single moment out of fear something may happen to her.

Learning to live again means getting over all that fear you have that something is going to happen to the last child you have at home. This is something that is harder to get over then anyone could ever imagine. We are trying but it is a process that you can only explain and taking your worst fear and facing it every single moment of every single day.

The next year will be filled with emotion yet again however this time we will welcome it and learn to enjoy life once again because THIS is what Morgan would have wanted us to do.