First off I am going to start with yes I am okay!
With less then a week till the angelversary of Morgan's suicide it is to be expected that stress will play a role in our day to day lives. Yesterday was no exception!
My day started of great, I got up took my supplements, ate and cleaned half the house. Then it went to productive, I worked on some pamphlets and information for our upcoming fundraiser and then it went to what the fuck just happened!
So let me go back a few nights and explain a few things so you kinda get where this all came from. So my C-PTSD showed it ugly side last week when I woke up in a cold sweat and my thigh burning from a nightmare. I was attacked from behind and was being dragged across a parking lot which resulted in my thigh getting road burn. May have been a dream but when I woke those scares on my thigh were burning like they were fresh. Nothing like jumping up out of bed at 5am and not knowing what the hell is going on. The only thing that calmed me was seeing my husband laying beside me still sleeping. I never did go back to sleep that day. Instead I poured my energy into getting things together for our announcement.
Fast forward a couple days and we come to yesterday. Bailey went to school to write her first exam. I did some work and checked her facebook. Yes I check it and I don't give a rats ass what anyone says she is my daughter and my job to protect her and I will do that till my last breath. So turns out Bailey didn't have a so good day. She almost relapsed and thank god no episode. I messaged and told her to get her ass home to which she didn't question.
Now what happens after she got home some will say I was harsh, some will say she needed it and some will think WTF did you do. So let me be clear, unless you have lived in my house and know the ins and outs of what we go through, sat in countless hours of therapy, counselling and doctors appointments YOU don't get to judge how we decide to handle tough things that come up in our lives. I know what is best and sometimes the whole protecting and baby our kids needs to stop. And yesterday was the hard cold facts or reality that she needed.
So Bailey wrote her first exam yesterday, last year she didn't have to but this year she did. She came home and I questioned her about her facebook messages and she started to reply with "I'm not prepared for exams, I broke down in tears at the end" to which I replied well you have been told that you need to focus on the task at hand and stop thinking forward. She then replied well its a week away .... and I said oh no you are NOT blaming your sister for your choices no more! Morgan isn't around to defend herself and no way in hell you are going to grow up with the poor me attitude or blaming your sister for your life choices! You see in this house the first time you do something wrong its a mistake, you continue that mistake and it is now a choice and YOU are responsible for the outcome! Did Bailey lose her twin to suicide YES, does that mean she gets to roll over and blame that on every bad day or poor choice NO! She is in control of what she does and how she feels. God knows she has done enough therapy in the last two years she could probably get a damn degree in it! Am I being cold heart, maybe to some but in our house NO! We all lost Morgan that day, we have all lost someone we love and we have all lost a part of ourselves but in no way are we victims! We are survivors and that is the mentality we need to keep going. Bailey has PTSD yes and I know when those signs are showing and yesterday was not one of them, yesterday was a high stress day with regular life and she almost allowed herself to give way to that and blame someone else for those actions, THAT IS NOT OKAY!! And I made damn sure she knew that. So how did her evening play out, just fine! She bucked up, ate supper, spend some time with dad and went to bed like she does every single night and today she is just fine, home listening to music and dancing.
So how did my day go to WTF well as a mom who has C-PTSD and finally had been diagnosed with BPD at 21 I have my own battles to fight. Last night for the first time in almost 16-17 years I literally could feel that reality slipping away from under me. NOT cool and NOT fun! I know I am not crazy, I know I have been through a lot of shit but I am not crazy. But last night holy hell I thought I was getting there! And then being open with husband he knew something was wrong and to try to explain how you feel that line of reality fade and its like your living in a dream world but there is no way to fight it made me sound like I was losing it. I told him I had a headache for two days and nights straight (yesterday it was gone) I was hungry but felt sick all day, and if I stopped and sat for any length of time it was like I had no control of where my mind went and I honestly though a break down was going to happen. The last time I had this feeling it was before I had the twins and I was more danger to myself then anyone ( or at least in my own head I thought I was) I haven't self harmed in YEARS and its not something I would think I would do. I don't drink, and I don't do drugs. I cant, because I know if days like yesterday happen it would be so easy to give into those weaknesses. For me that isn't an option.
HA writing this really makes me think my husband must have thought I was going crazy last night!
So on to what I did. Well I told him how I felt, and honestly I still don't know what would have made that happen yesterday. It honestly wasn't any more stressful then other days, in fact I have had so much worse days then yesterday that I was now starting to analyze myself. Ok I have done psychotherapy, the workshops and everything in the past so its just what I do is analyze and research. Yeah well this chick right here had NOTHING I couldn't for the life of me find anything that would have caused last night's episode and I was pissed! Never have I ever not been able to find the root of a problem or the cause of an action and I was NOT having it! So what did I do? Well I ate supper, cleaned up, and went up to read my book. I haven't picked up a book to read since Morgan died. So when Bailey went to bed I looked around and thought ok I am not losing my mind, I am tired! I am tired of fighting against every person who thinks we should be shutting our mouths about Morgan's suicide, Bailey's suicide attempt, her struggle with self harm, my struggle with self harm in the past, my husband's anxiety, my BPD, our PTSD, bullying and how it IS connected to domestic violence, mental illness and how people need to treat it the SAME WAY we do cancer and every other illness that cant KILL people, the fact that our human races has become so fucked in how we think and our priorities (gun rights over human lives, wild animals in cages, their natural instinct over a child's life, the fact that money and power are more important then compassion and empathy, how we fight for rights that should just be there like who we can love and marry, or that we have to fight for treatment to illnesses that shouldn't be killing our youth.) Yes I feel more deeply then the average person, I see things clearer then most people and I can look at a situation and figure out how to fix it and what the problem is. I cant help that! It is who I am and I cant keep blocking myself from that to make other people feel comfortable. So you see I wasn't losing my grasp with reality IN FACT my reality was making itself clear for the first time in YEARS and I was trying to suppress it.
This morning I got to talk some to a good friend and what she said is what made me realize that I have been living with so many walls up because I feel so much more then most people (Morgan was the same way) I attract the wrong people in herds and the good people in my life tend to be those who I never let go of so they have been with me for decades. So am I crazy?? Maybe in some ways but not mentally, I am just a mom who lost a part of my heart forever, a mom who fights everyday for the rights of my children and your children, I fight for the day when everyone can live without fear of who they are and what invisible illness they have, I fight for the day we all have access to the treatment we need when we need it so no others have to die from a treatable illness and I live for the day that everyone can have their opinion and not be judged for it, the day we can all say we agree to disagree but find a common ground to live together on without wanting to change everyone to who we are. Honestly if we were all the same it would be boring as hell! We are all individuals, we all have goals, hopes and dreams and we all deserve to live without fear of what others think about us.
It has taken me a long time to get to a point in my life that I don't give a rats ass what people think about me. How I look, feel and think is not anyone's business but what others think of me is none of my business, nor do I care. I am happy, I have my days but I am happy and that is all that matters. And it is all that should matter to you! If you are happy then nobody has the power to take that from you unless you give them that power. If that is the case it is time for you to take that back. Just as I have with mine <3 So yesterday it is safe so say my reality hit and it hit hard lol. Today I pick myself up, dust it off and start letting that reality make its way through my life again. Oh and I will warn you, I have been through a lot of shit, and I mean a lot..... so reality coming back full force means those who get in my way with what I want may not know what hit them...... just ask those who have had the pleasure of dealing with my determination if you need to know what your up against ;)
Now time for music and a good hard core workout! Love you all who have stood by my side and who continue to, you mean more to me then you will ever know <3
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Monday, June 20, 2016
Changes
I realized today it has been a long time since writing my last blog and figured I should start back at it. So much has happened in the last few months that I need to clear my mind and get back on track. Not just with my writing but with everything that we have going on in our lives.
So much has happened! Both good and a few bad things, but that is life.
Back in February Bailey was crowned Miss Teenage Fort Saskatchewan 2016 in regional. Since then she has been busy with volunteering and showing up at events within our city. She is enjoying her title and looking forward to nationals in Toronto this July. She has met some amazing girls who have helped in so many ways.
We have moved out of Greg's parents place and into a place of our own and have been busy making the changes needed to declutter and organize our home. It is smaller then we have had in the past but it is just the three of us now so it works.
We have started working out and weight training together as a family and watching what we are eating. This was needed for our physical and our mental health. We have all had our issues with sleeping and weight gain with the stress level being up so we felt our lives needed a change. This is where change is a good thing! Exercise is so beneficial to our healing and our health that it was a no brainer to start doing it. Bailey has had her weeks where she isn't pushing herself but with the stress of exams and the second angelversary of Morgan's suicide coming up it is understandable. Greg has been doing great and is making progress and I am learning that no matter what my age, weight training can be done!
Last month Fort McMurray seen a city wide evacuation due to an out of control wild fire that sent us into panic waiting to hear our son made it out safely. Once we did we were able to stop and think how can we help. Bailey did well raising money for the Red Cross and local stops that the evacuees where making on the way down to Edmonton. The city has since started the heal and rebuilding process and even my brother and his crew from work back east came out to help. It was great being able to see my brother again after almost three years of being away from home.
On our path to healing we have had road bumps, episodes and good times. While nothing will ever bring back Morgan then work we continue to do to help others and fight for changes keeps us going in the right direction. Morgan I know is proud of all we have been able to do in such a short amount of time. This September we are finally hosting our first major fundraiser in the form of a concert. We have four local artists who will be performing and all have worked to stop bullying and change the way others see mental health so it is a perfect fit. The money raised will be for getting some projects off the ground and also to help Robb Nash Project which is amazing!!! |Our target age will be 12 and up and we hope that parents will come to see what all we have to offer.
So many changes and so many more to come. So many fear change but I have come to welcome it as a part of life. Nothing stays the same for long and we have to learn to adapt and continue on. This is how we survive and how we grow as individuals. We have to or we get stuck and then we have an even harder time being able to function and deal with the everyday stresses of life.
I have come to see its not about forgetting and carrying on as if nothing has happened but learning to accept fate and accept it as part of who we are. Losing a child is unbearable but it is now part of who I am. I am a suicide loss survivor and that, I can not change. No matter what happens, no matter what I do or say and no matter where I am that is a part of who I am and I have come to accept that. I will have hard days, easy days and days I wish would just end, but it is how I choose to get through them and how I choose to think that makes the difference in fighting or giving up. In my life, giving up is not an option! Nor will it be for my family. We are fighters and I will fight everyday if I have to.
Learning to live again wasn't easy and I will never expect someone to be able to just pick up the shattered pieces of their lives and carry on like nothing has happened but learning to accept those broken pieces as part of who you are is important and vital in learning to live again. Smiling and laughing at first seem hard and you worry others will think you have forgotten when you haven't but you learn to smile and laugh again because it is part of healing and continuing on with our lives.
Nobody can tell you what is right or what will work for you. They can offer support and love but they cant tell you what will help heal that pain for you. Grief is a journey that is as unique and each one of us. All I can say is keep going and seek out those who support and love you for you and you will be okay. It may take months or even years but you will be okay.
I have learnt that when you are faced with unimaginable circumstances you find those who are true to you and those who will want to take advantage of the situation. Some will not know how to talk to you anymore fearing they will say the wrong thing, many will want to help but not know how and some will even try to make everything about them. You know what that is okay, and why I say that is because that is about them not you! The only thing we can control is ourselves, our own actions and our own thoughts. Those around us will eventually see they cant change who we are and they will move on.
So what has the last few months shown me? Well they have shown me I am stronger then I ever was before. Both mentally and emotionally. It has shown me that I am not responsible for how others see me or how they think. I am who I am and no matter what I go through in life my children, grandbabies (oh yeah number two in due in November) and my husband come first, and that those around me who cause me stress and worry are not worth my energy. I am stronger and I am who I am and nothing will change that. I have seen my daughter fall and pick herself up and keep going so I know my strength is in her and she will be okay. That and we are far to stubborn to stay down!
To you I hope you all find that strength inside you to keep fighting. I can't promise it will be easy but I do promise it will be worth it!
So much has happened! Both good and a few bad things, but that is life.
Back in February Bailey was crowned Miss Teenage Fort Saskatchewan 2016 in regional. Since then she has been busy with volunteering and showing up at events within our city. She is enjoying her title and looking forward to nationals in Toronto this July. She has met some amazing girls who have helped in so many ways.
We have moved out of Greg's parents place and into a place of our own and have been busy making the changes needed to declutter and organize our home. It is smaller then we have had in the past but it is just the three of us now so it works.
We have started working out and weight training together as a family and watching what we are eating. This was needed for our physical and our mental health. We have all had our issues with sleeping and weight gain with the stress level being up so we felt our lives needed a change. This is where change is a good thing! Exercise is so beneficial to our healing and our health that it was a no brainer to start doing it. Bailey has had her weeks where she isn't pushing herself but with the stress of exams and the second angelversary of Morgan's suicide coming up it is understandable. Greg has been doing great and is making progress and I am learning that no matter what my age, weight training can be done!
Last month Fort McMurray seen a city wide evacuation due to an out of control wild fire that sent us into panic waiting to hear our son made it out safely. Once we did we were able to stop and think how can we help. Bailey did well raising money for the Red Cross and local stops that the evacuees where making on the way down to Edmonton. The city has since started the heal and rebuilding process and even my brother and his crew from work back east came out to help. It was great being able to see my brother again after almost three years of being away from home.
On our path to healing we have had road bumps, episodes and good times. While nothing will ever bring back Morgan then work we continue to do to help others and fight for changes keeps us going in the right direction. Morgan I know is proud of all we have been able to do in such a short amount of time. This September we are finally hosting our first major fundraiser in the form of a concert. We have four local artists who will be performing and all have worked to stop bullying and change the way others see mental health so it is a perfect fit. The money raised will be for getting some projects off the ground and also to help Robb Nash Project which is amazing!!! |Our target age will be 12 and up and we hope that parents will come to see what all we have to offer.
So many changes and so many more to come. So many fear change but I have come to welcome it as a part of life. Nothing stays the same for long and we have to learn to adapt and continue on. This is how we survive and how we grow as individuals. We have to or we get stuck and then we have an even harder time being able to function and deal with the everyday stresses of life.
I have come to see its not about forgetting and carrying on as if nothing has happened but learning to accept fate and accept it as part of who we are. Losing a child is unbearable but it is now part of who I am. I am a suicide loss survivor and that, I can not change. No matter what happens, no matter what I do or say and no matter where I am that is a part of who I am and I have come to accept that. I will have hard days, easy days and days I wish would just end, but it is how I choose to get through them and how I choose to think that makes the difference in fighting or giving up. In my life, giving up is not an option! Nor will it be for my family. We are fighters and I will fight everyday if I have to.
Learning to live again wasn't easy and I will never expect someone to be able to just pick up the shattered pieces of their lives and carry on like nothing has happened but learning to accept those broken pieces as part of who you are is important and vital in learning to live again. Smiling and laughing at first seem hard and you worry others will think you have forgotten when you haven't but you learn to smile and laugh again because it is part of healing and continuing on with our lives.
Nobody can tell you what is right or what will work for you. They can offer support and love but they cant tell you what will help heal that pain for you. Grief is a journey that is as unique and each one of us. All I can say is keep going and seek out those who support and love you for you and you will be okay. It may take months or even years but you will be okay.
I have learnt that when you are faced with unimaginable circumstances you find those who are true to you and those who will want to take advantage of the situation. Some will not know how to talk to you anymore fearing they will say the wrong thing, many will want to help but not know how and some will even try to make everything about them. You know what that is okay, and why I say that is because that is about them not you! The only thing we can control is ourselves, our own actions and our own thoughts. Those around us will eventually see they cant change who we are and they will move on.
So what has the last few months shown me? Well they have shown me I am stronger then I ever was before. Both mentally and emotionally. It has shown me that I am not responsible for how others see me or how they think. I am who I am and no matter what I go through in life my children, grandbabies (oh yeah number two in due in November) and my husband come first, and that those around me who cause me stress and worry are not worth my energy. I am stronger and I am who I am and nothing will change that. I have seen my daughter fall and pick herself up and keep going so I know my strength is in her and she will be okay. That and we are far to stubborn to stay down!
To you I hope you all find that strength inside you to keep fighting. I can't promise it will be easy but I do promise it will be worth it!
Sunday, November 22, 2015
When Suicide Hits Your Family
November 27th marks 17 months since Morgan's suicide.
Three weeks and two days is how long since we lived that nightmare again when her twin sister attempted suicide and thankfully survived.
Suicide is not a stranger in our family. Sadly. Suicide seems to show its ugly side all to often in our home.
Many have heard the story of our daughter Morgan and how we lost her to suicide after bullying pushed her so deep into depression she couldn't find her way back. You have also heard her twin sisters story of her attempt and surviving. however what many have not heard is my own battles with these demons.
When I was 21 I knew something was wrong and went to a counsellor to find out what it was. I mean to sit and think that the knife in your kitchen can easily slice through your wrist or those bottles of over the counter pain pills could put you into a forever sleep isn't normal, or even thinking sitting on your third story window ledge and falling backwards would kill you in an instant is not how a normal person thinks. Sadly these thoughts are all to normal for someone who battles borderline personality disorder. These are demons that in the face of what I call "moments of darkness" can show themselves. Not only these demons but also pain and thoughts so vile that you do whatever you can physically to rid them of your mind. This is where self harming comes into play.
At 21 they toyed with the idea that I was bipolar due to mood swings and suicidal thoughts. However I could control many of the impulses. They tried medication which I reacted badly to. At one point I was taking pills to go to sleep, pills to wake up and another to get my through the day with no mood swings. I reacted badly and they made things worse so I stopped taking them. I did many different sessions for anxiety, depression and anger management along with psychotherapy. While the therapy worded for me to better control my emotions, anger and flashbacks they did nothing for the thoughts of suicide or the wanting to self harm. I was then sent back to the doctor where they finally realized it wasn't bipolar it was BPD. Thankfully this disorder for the most part stabilizes over time and with the right coping techniques you can live a normal life. Shortly after I was diagnosed I became pregnant for the twins.
The funny thing for me is with every pregnancy I couldn't have felt better! No mood swings, no thoughts of suicide or self harm, no insomnia NOTHING!
As time went on and I started noticing changes in my children going through their teen years I honestly forgot my own battles BUT I could relate. I could explain to people how one could self harm and the reasons why they do it. I could explain that while cutting seems to be the choice of everyone that it isn't the only method of self harming. I could also relate to the not caring about the choices you made that could put you in a life threatening situation. But it didn't help me cope with my own issues that were being brought to the surface.
On June 27th we found Morgan after she had completed suicide in her room she shared with Bailey. That has sadly started a spiral of ups and downs not only for Bailey but myself. I found myself wanting and needing to be with her but able to tell myself Bailey and my other children still needed me. I found myself unable to cope with stupidity and people who complain, but I was able to remember that I cant control what others say or do, I also found myself living the thought process I did when I was younger always worrying about what other people where thinking or saying.
This sucked ass!
As time went on and the numbness of losing Morgan faded away I found myself battling my own demons once again. The worry, the fear, the mental pain so bad you HAVE to do anything to get rid of it, and then it hit me. I was pushed back into a time where my mind knew how to protect itself. I had regressed. So I did what any adult would do and pushed forward and healed myself in ways I knew would work. And it had, until 3 weeks and 2 days ago.
When I got the call from the school that they were taking Bailey to the ER that she had finally admitted to taking three bottles of pills my world fell apart. What pieces where fitting back together ever so nicely where broken all over again. It is normal, and its all part of opening old wounds but for someone who has fit pieces back together their entire life this just left everything sitting there with no hope of being put together again.
I will never be who I was before and I have to stop thinking I will be. I will never be who I was before we lost Morgan nor will I be the same person I was before Bailey attempted. That is life and I needed to accept that.
Last week I hit that point. Those on my FaceBook know the post I am referring to. My life is not about what others think, say or do. Period! If I want to post how I feel and you think it is referencing you then hunny you best look at yourself and I will say this, no it has nothing to do with you because I DONT CARE! If I am talking about someone then they will know because that is their business and not the worlds. If I post a general post and you think it is directed at you then honestly if the shoe fits, wear the bitch! but do not message or post asking me about because I will tell you straight up. I am done playing. I am taking the stance that if you don't pay my bills then you have no say in what I do, if you are not sleeping in my bed then you have no say in what I do or how I spend my time, unless you are listed as a close friend or relative (and even then beware) you don't get to tell me how I should be healing myself, and lastly if you are not in my inner most circle then do not tell me I should be worrying about how my daughters death and daughter near death has affected you or your family cause darling I DONT CARE! And do not try to tell me what is best for my daughter cause unless your going to spend countless nights laying with her and watching her, taking her to all of her appointments and fighting with her doctors OR pay for the things she is in to help her find who she is then stop before you open your mouth. Not to mention that unless you have been where we have you can not offer me any advice on what you think will work.
I have come to this conclusion in losing one to suicide and nearly another that I will not do things to please others, I will not engage in forced interactions with anyone, I will not be spending time with those that I just don't want to spend time with and I will not be caring about what others think I should or shouldn't be doing for myself OR my daughter! I have come to the realization that my mental health is not worth people who are not beneficial to me. Selfish? Honestly for the first time in 38 years I can say I don't care. I have earned the right to be selfish for me and my family.
So when suicide hits your family know this. I will be there for you in any way I can because to me that is what I should be doing, if I can help someone face the worse possible situation that could happen I am going to. If suicidal thoughts haunt your mind I will be there to help you through it, because I have been there and if a suicide attempt has rocked the hell out of your house I will be there to help calm things as best I can BECAUSE THIS IS MY THERAPY! I have been placed in a situation that allows me to educate, help and be there for those who can understand and I am going to do it!
Suicide sucks! Nobody should have to stay silent, live in shame or have to face it alone. I will do everything I can in my power to keep fighting for changes because that is what I am here to do.
One small step at a time and one small accomplishment at a time. That's how changes are made and that's how empires are built.
Three weeks and two days is how long since we lived that nightmare again when her twin sister attempted suicide and thankfully survived.
Suicide is not a stranger in our family. Sadly. Suicide seems to show its ugly side all to often in our home.
Many have heard the story of our daughter Morgan and how we lost her to suicide after bullying pushed her so deep into depression she couldn't find her way back. You have also heard her twin sisters story of her attempt and surviving. however what many have not heard is my own battles with these demons.
When I was 21 I knew something was wrong and went to a counsellor to find out what it was. I mean to sit and think that the knife in your kitchen can easily slice through your wrist or those bottles of over the counter pain pills could put you into a forever sleep isn't normal, or even thinking sitting on your third story window ledge and falling backwards would kill you in an instant is not how a normal person thinks. Sadly these thoughts are all to normal for someone who battles borderline personality disorder. These are demons that in the face of what I call "moments of darkness" can show themselves. Not only these demons but also pain and thoughts so vile that you do whatever you can physically to rid them of your mind. This is where self harming comes into play.
At 21 they toyed with the idea that I was bipolar due to mood swings and suicidal thoughts. However I could control many of the impulses. They tried medication which I reacted badly to. At one point I was taking pills to go to sleep, pills to wake up and another to get my through the day with no mood swings. I reacted badly and they made things worse so I stopped taking them. I did many different sessions for anxiety, depression and anger management along with psychotherapy. While the therapy worded for me to better control my emotions, anger and flashbacks they did nothing for the thoughts of suicide or the wanting to self harm. I was then sent back to the doctor where they finally realized it wasn't bipolar it was BPD. Thankfully this disorder for the most part stabilizes over time and with the right coping techniques you can live a normal life. Shortly after I was diagnosed I became pregnant for the twins.
The funny thing for me is with every pregnancy I couldn't have felt better! No mood swings, no thoughts of suicide or self harm, no insomnia NOTHING!
As time went on and I started noticing changes in my children going through their teen years I honestly forgot my own battles BUT I could relate. I could explain to people how one could self harm and the reasons why they do it. I could explain that while cutting seems to be the choice of everyone that it isn't the only method of self harming. I could also relate to the not caring about the choices you made that could put you in a life threatening situation. But it didn't help me cope with my own issues that were being brought to the surface.
On June 27th we found Morgan after she had completed suicide in her room she shared with Bailey. That has sadly started a spiral of ups and downs not only for Bailey but myself. I found myself wanting and needing to be with her but able to tell myself Bailey and my other children still needed me. I found myself unable to cope with stupidity and people who complain, but I was able to remember that I cant control what others say or do, I also found myself living the thought process I did when I was younger always worrying about what other people where thinking or saying.
This sucked ass!
As time went on and the numbness of losing Morgan faded away I found myself battling my own demons once again. The worry, the fear, the mental pain so bad you HAVE to do anything to get rid of it, and then it hit me. I was pushed back into a time where my mind knew how to protect itself. I had regressed. So I did what any adult would do and pushed forward and healed myself in ways I knew would work. And it had, until 3 weeks and 2 days ago.
When I got the call from the school that they were taking Bailey to the ER that she had finally admitted to taking three bottles of pills my world fell apart. What pieces where fitting back together ever so nicely where broken all over again. It is normal, and its all part of opening old wounds but for someone who has fit pieces back together their entire life this just left everything sitting there with no hope of being put together again.
I will never be who I was before and I have to stop thinking I will be. I will never be who I was before we lost Morgan nor will I be the same person I was before Bailey attempted. That is life and I needed to accept that.
Last week I hit that point. Those on my FaceBook know the post I am referring to. My life is not about what others think, say or do. Period! If I want to post how I feel and you think it is referencing you then hunny you best look at yourself and I will say this, no it has nothing to do with you because I DONT CARE! If I am talking about someone then they will know because that is their business and not the worlds. If I post a general post and you think it is directed at you then honestly if the shoe fits, wear the bitch! but do not message or post asking me about because I will tell you straight up. I am done playing. I am taking the stance that if you don't pay my bills then you have no say in what I do, if you are not sleeping in my bed then you have no say in what I do or how I spend my time, unless you are listed as a close friend or relative (and even then beware) you don't get to tell me how I should be healing myself, and lastly if you are not in my inner most circle then do not tell me I should be worrying about how my daughters death and daughter near death has affected you or your family cause darling I DONT CARE! And do not try to tell me what is best for my daughter cause unless your going to spend countless nights laying with her and watching her, taking her to all of her appointments and fighting with her doctors OR pay for the things she is in to help her find who she is then stop before you open your mouth. Not to mention that unless you have been where we have you can not offer me any advice on what you think will work.
I have come to this conclusion in losing one to suicide and nearly another that I will not do things to please others, I will not engage in forced interactions with anyone, I will not be spending time with those that I just don't want to spend time with and I will not be caring about what others think I should or shouldn't be doing for myself OR my daughter! I have come to the realization that my mental health is not worth people who are not beneficial to me. Selfish? Honestly for the first time in 38 years I can say I don't care. I have earned the right to be selfish for me and my family.
So when suicide hits your family know this. I will be there for you in any way I can because to me that is what I should be doing, if I can help someone face the worse possible situation that could happen I am going to. If suicidal thoughts haunt your mind I will be there to help you through it, because I have been there and if a suicide attempt has rocked the hell out of your house I will be there to help calm things as best I can BECAUSE THIS IS MY THERAPY! I have been placed in a situation that allows me to educate, help and be there for those who can understand and I am going to do it!
Suicide sucks! Nobody should have to stay silent, live in shame or have to face it alone. I will do everything I can in my power to keep fighting for changes because that is what I am here to do.
One small step at a time and one small accomplishment at a time. That's how changes are made and that's how empires are built.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
World Mental Health Day & Mental Health Awareness Week
Yesterday Bailey and I attended the signing for the City of Fort Saskatchewan Proclamation of World Mental Health Day. We had contacted a city councillor who within 12 hours had things rolling and planned with the Mayor. While it was a small step in change for us our Mayor then rendered me speechless by presenting us with the Proclamation. I stood in shock with thoughts of Morgan in my mind. Then the thought of every citizen in our city who battles mental illness. I fought back tears that later came as I sat and reflected on everything we have been doing in the last year.
As a mom I watch Bailey give her first public speech about her twin and herself. I heard a young girl who's heart has been broken by the evils in society. Did she stumble over words and spoke in a quiet voice, yes. But she was also unprepared to speak. But I also heard her voice change to pride when she spoke of the society we created in memory of her sister to raise awareness and to fight for change. I am certain that while yesterday was emotionally hard on her as last night before bed she placed her sisters photo that is usually with her urn beside her bed. When I asked why she did it she stated Morgan was lonely. It downed on me today it is not Morgan who is lonely but Bailey. I watched her enjoy her day, talk to reporters, to councillors and the Mayor but when she got home the reality of Morgan being gone hit her. The one person she always had to share her successes with gone, the one who she shared her inner most thoughts and secrets with gone, and the one she always thought would be there no matter what happened in her life ..... gone.
Bailey has proven her strength time and time again through her awareness videos, her dance videos and just by getting up everyday and trying to get through the day. At 14 this young lady has seen and been through more then most adults and she is surviving.
As a mom I am both proud and heartbroken for the daughter who shows her strength and refuses to show her weaknesses. However as a parent I want her to learn to embrace her doubts and sadness as this is not weakness but life. I want her to feel those emotions and accept them as this is what makes her who she is and let me tell you she is amazing and beautiful inside and out!
Being depressed, having anxiety, OCD, PTSD or any mental illness is not weakness. It is not who you are but a part of you. Mayor Gale said something yesterday that is true, "Mental illness is not a choice but recovery is", the same can be said for those battling addiction. However without the proper care and treatment sometime that choice to recover is not an option. So now we fight to change that and make that statement true for everyone!
With the move we made and getting Bailey adjusted we have had to put a lot on the back burner. After seeing my daughter yesterday it is time to put forth the projects we want to do. Her friend and fellow advocate has put forth some ideas and we plan to make those and others happen. Bailey also will have a pageant coming up that will require work and support from the community but in return she will be supporting her community and standing up for those who need a voice.
So today I sit and reflect on what has happened and what is to come for Bailey, myself, our family and Morgan's Mission as we head into yet another new chapter in our lives. We have made many new and exciting connections and we plan to work with them to create change in our city and yours!
As a mom I watch Bailey give her first public speech about her twin and herself. I heard a young girl who's heart has been broken by the evils in society. Did she stumble over words and spoke in a quiet voice, yes. But she was also unprepared to speak. But I also heard her voice change to pride when she spoke of the society we created in memory of her sister to raise awareness and to fight for change. I am certain that while yesterday was emotionally hard on her as last night before bed she placed her sisters photo that is usually with her urn beside her bed. When I asked why she did it she stated Morgan was lonely. It downed on me today it is not Morgan who is lonely but Bailey. I watched her enjoy her day, talk to reporters, to councillors and the Mayor but when she got home the reality of Morgan being gone hit her. The one person she always had to share her successes with gone, the one who she shared her inner most thoughts and secrets with gone, and the one she always thought would be there no matter what happened in her life ..... gone.
Bailey has proven her strength time and time again through her awareness videos, her dance videos and just by getting up everyday and trying to get through the day. At 14 this young lady has seen and been through more then most adults and she is surviving.
As a mom I am both proud and heartbroken for the daughter who shows her strength and refuses to show her weaknesses. However as a parent I want her to learn to embrace her doubts and sadness as this is not weakness but life. I want her to feel those emotions and accept them as this is what makes her who she is and let me tell you she is amazing and beautiful inside and out!
Being depressed, having anxiety, OCD, PTSD or any mental illness is not weakness. It is not who you are but a part of you. Mayor Gale said something yesterday that is true, "Mental illness is not a choice but recovery is", the same can be said for those battling addiction. However without the proper care and treatment sometime that choice to recover is not an option. So now we fight to change that and make that statement true for everyone!
With the move we made and getting Bailey adjusted we have had to put a lot on the back burner. After seeing my daughter yesterday it is time to put forth the projects we want to do. Her friend and fellow advocate has put forth some ideas and we plan to make those and others happen. Bailey also will have a pageant coming up that will require work and support from the community but in return she will be supporting her community and standing up for those who need a voice.
So today I sit and reflect on what has happened and what is to come for Bailey, myself, our family and Morgan's Mission as we head into yet another new chapter in our lives. We have made many new and exciting connections and we plan to work with them to create change in our city and yours!
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Getting Settled In
So it has been awhile since I have been able to take the time to write as so much has been going on and happening in our family.
Those who follow know we relocated closer to the city of Edmonton. We did so for a few reasons. One my husband was offered a job in Redwater, two Bailey needed to be around care if an emergency with her mental health came up and three to be closer to allies that we have made.
Many have know figured out Bailey has been writing for Starlight Music Chronicles and that I have started as assistant to the editor. We are also getting ready to launch our first edition online magazine in just a few short weeks.
Family wise we had just had a glorious visit with our oldest daughter and granddaughter. They had come out and spent two weeks with us and we totally surprised Bailey!!!
Other then that Bailey has settled into her school without too much trouble, other then climbing a fence and requiring three stitches in her arm and she has even been asked to speak next month on mental health & suicide and how it relates to Morgan's Mission.
We also asked the city of Fort Saskatchewan to Proclaim October 10th World Mental Health Day which they have agreed to do!
And then on an upsetting note we have learnt that Fort McMurray will be losing the child Psychiatrist they worked so hard to get after only three short months leaving families struggling to get help they need for the children.
I must say while I am not surprised I would love to know the true reason why he is leaving. I fear it is due to the lack of resources and the added stress of no organization within the mental health care available in the region.
Its a shame that a region focused on creating a family oriented community is unable to get and keep the resources they need to provide the proper mental health care the children need. A proper Family Mental Health Center with proper staff needs to happen in that community. It is needed as badly as the Seniors Care home! And honestly they should be located close to each other as seniors as they age need mental health care too!
I never thought being an anti bullying advocate, mental health& suicide prevention advocate would see so much heartache. I always knew the care needed was hard to get and the system is not easy to maneuver through but how bad and how little care is out there is honestly pathetic! We should be teaching this in grade school, we should be encouraging students to seek jobs within the mental health field, and we should be fighting for those who cant fight for themselves.
The media is terrible when it comes to properly portraying those who suffer from addiction and mental illness, they feed into the stigma and play fear propaganda with those who don't understand these illnesses and what people go through if they are left untreated or UNABLE to get the treatment they need! If they spent time reporting the little care they are able to receive instead of making them look like monsters then maybe more people would understand and ask the same questions as to why they are unable to get the care they need. More importantly if they stop shaming them then MAYBE just MAYBE more would be more open and willing to seeking out care and treatment instead of suffering in silence and battling each day just to survive!
One thing I can say is I know this magazine launch is going to get people talking, and that's the whole point! Rolling Stones never made it without some controversy and we plan to do the same! I have seen more connection between music and mental illness and bullying then I care too but I also have seen and noticed how music has saved so many from their demons when proper care and treatment wasn't available. But more on that later.
For now know this, while we have taken the time we needed and deserved to settle in to our new lives in a new city, yet again, know we have not stopped our fight against bullying/cyber bullying, mental health care and suicide prevention! Keep watching cause we are not stopping till things change to how they need to be!
Watch here as Bailey shares her thought on Suicide.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSdA5pSLm-M
Those who follow know we relocated closer to the city of Edmonton. We did so for a few reasons. One my husband was offered a job in Redwater, two Bailey needed to be around care if an emergency with her mental health came up and three to be closer to allies that we have made.
Many have know figured out Bailey has been writing for Starlight Music Chronicles and that I have started as assistant to the editor. We are also getting ready to launch our first edition online magazine in just a few short weeks.
Family wise we had just had a glorious visit with our oldest daughter and granddaughter. They had come out and spent two weeks with us and we totally surprised Bailey!!!
Other then that Bailey has settled into her school without too much trouble, other then climbing a fence and requiring three stitches in her arm and she has even been asked to speak next month on mental health & suicide and how it relates to Morgan's Mission.
We also asked the city of Fort Saskatchewan to Proclaim October 10th World Mental Health Day which they have agreed to do!
And then on an upsetting note we have learnt that Fort McMurray will be losing the child Psychiatrist they worked so hard to get after only three short months leaving families struggling to get help they need for the children.
I must say while I am not surprised I would love to know the true reason why he is leaving. I fear it is due to the lack of resources and the added stress of no organization within the mental health care available in the region.
Its a shame that a region focused on creating a family oriented community is unable to get and keep the resources they need to provide the proper mental health care the children need. A proper Family Mental Health Center with proper staff needs to happen in that community. It is needed as badly as the Seniors Care home! And honestly they should be located close to each other as seniors as they age need mental health care too!
I never thought being an anti bullying advocate, mental health& suicide prevention advocate would see so much heartache. I always knew the care needed was hard to get and the system is not easy to maneuver through but how bad and how little care is out there is honestly pathetic! We should be teaching this in grade school, we should be encouraging students to seek jobs within the mental health field, and we should be fighting for those who cant fight for themselves.
The media is terrible when it comes to properly portraying those who suffer from addiction and mental illness, they feed into the stigma and play fear propaganda with those who don't understand these illnesses and what people go through if they are left untreated or UNABLE to get the treatment they need! If they spent time reporting the little care they are able to receive instead of making them look like monsters then maybe more people would understand and ask the same questions as to why they are unable to get the care they need. More importantly if they stop shaming them then MAYBE just MAYBE more would be more open and willing to seeking out care and treatment instead of suffering in silence and battling each day just to survive!
One thing I can say is I know this magazine launch is going to get people talking, and that's the whole point! Rolling Stones never made it without some controversy and we plan to do the same! I have seen more connection between music and mental illness and bullying then I care too but I also have seen and noticed how music has saved so many from their demons when proper care and treatment wasn't available. But more on that later.
For now know this, while we have taken the time we needed and deserved to settle in to our new lives in a new city, yet again, know we have not stopped our fight against bullying/cyber bullying, mental health care and suicide prevention! Keep watching cause we are not stopping till things change to how they need to be!
Watch here as Bailey shares her thought on Suicide.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSdA5pSLm-M
Friday, August 14, 2015
Self Harm - Coping or Attention Seeking
It would seem self harm is a growing "trend" in today teens but is it a trend or a coping method many use to deal with issues they are yet to understand.
Truth be told unless you have raised a teen who self harms/ed or as a teen you self harmed you will never fully understand the reasons behind self harming.
So what is self harm. Self harm is basically anything that intentionally hurts the individual, cutting, burning, and even pulling hair out can be a form of self harm. You also need to watch for things that will hurt their self esteem, some have used hair cutting, piercing, tattooing as form of getting mental pain out. I know hard to imagine how a teen chopping their hair off could be seen as mental pain relief but it happens.
So lets get to coping or attention seeking. Anyone who has ever self harmed will tell you that after they did it they feel ashamed and more often then not they hide it. It is not something that they walk around telling everyone or showing everyone. Why because its not for others it is for themselves. Are there teens/youth who do it for what adult say is attention? Sure but my question is if they are hurting themselves for attention then what is the reason they are seeking attention in the first place! Are they lacking attention at home, do they feel they are not as popular as someone else (self esteem issues) or do they feel the need to do it to fit in (again self esteem issues) so is it really for attention or is it a deeper issue that may not be a mental illness.
Self harming seems to be more openly talked about now because of social media. More and more are being open about it and more are talking about it. So like anything else there will be teens/youth who try it to see if it really does help with the emotional and mental pains they cant explain. Does it mean it will become their coping method? No. But it does mean that as a parent you need to talk to your child and find out what is going on and what is causing them to seek out methods to cope with their life and what is happening in it. You need to ask those tough questions about peers, look at your home life and what has been happening and look at the pressures that your child has on them.
One thing that really bothers me is those who say of you self harm you are suicidal. NO it does not mean they are. YES there are those who are suicidal that self harm and YES self harming is dangerous and can result in injury that can be life threatening. Either by cutting to deep or even from an onset of infection.
So how do we deal with it as parents. Well for one if you don't understand or cant imagine doing it do not make them feel like they are stupid or crazy because they are self harming as a form of coping. Don't make them feel and think their problems are no big deal, this will only make them feel worse and make the problem worse and shut down any communication you have with them. Is it scary to think something is wrong that this is what they are doing YES and fear is something that can cause us as parent to react out of fear without thinking. You can NOT do this! This will cause your child to go back into their shell and not want to tell you if something gets worse or cause them to self harm even more. You need to remember not to put your fears on them, they are our fears and our problems NOT your child's. Children today have enough stress and pressure on them and they don't need the added stress of adults problems.
How do we help? Well we can stay calm when talking to them, listen to hear and not to respond, and be supportive. Ask them what you can do to help them stop, ask if they need to seek treatment or therapy, ask what is happening at school, with friends, or in their life in general. Be active in their lives so you know their friends and what's happening with their friends. Yes our children need privacy but as a parent you have a job to know what your child is doing, who they are with and where they are. Look for personality changes, changes in clothing (long sleeves in summer), changes in appearance in general and ask yourself if they are "typical teen" changes or is there more going on. Nobody does better detective work then a mad or worried parent so make use of it!
Its not easy when you are dealing with someone who self harms. they are already fragile and you need to walk on basically egg shells to keep from pushing them the wrong way. It not easy and it is not fun by any stretch of the imagination. As a parent of two who self harmed (one who is no longer with us & one who is 5 months clean) it is a very fine line you have to walk and you never know what may be a trigger to start the self harm again. For some it can even become an addiction and then you are dealing with a whole set of other issues. That can be even more challenging as a parent.
As someone who self harmed as a teen for years it is not a fight that just disappears when you get older. It is like any other illness that can show its ugly head at any time to make you struggle and push you mentally. Nobody will fully understand the reason why people self harm. Honestly there are many reasons, copying, not being able to understand the mental pain but being able to understand physical pain, to feel in control of your feelings and body, to want a release from everything you struggle with or they have disassociated themselves so they don't even realize they are doing it.
Unless you have been there then you cant understand, and unless you are will to be open to understanding how someone can intentionally hurt themselves then please don't say anything to make them feel worse then they already do. You can not judge someone's struggles and you can not compare them to anyone else. We ALL cope and deal with things differently and that is our right.
So before you go judging someone for self harming ( and yes that even means those who self harm and judging others for their choice to self harm) ask them if there is something you can help them with. Be an option for their coping not a reason for their coping.
Truth be told unless you have raised a teen who self harms/ed or as a teen you self harmed you will never fully understand the reasons behind self harming.
So what is self harm. Self harm is basically anything that intentionally hurts the individual, cutting, burning, and even pulling hair out can be a form of self harm. You also need to watch for things that will hurt their self esteem, some have used hair cutting, piercing, tattooing as form of getting mental pain out. I know hard to imagine how a teen chopping their hair off could be seen as mental pain relief but it happens.
So lets get to coping or attention seeking. Anyone who has ever self harmed will tell you that after they did it they feel ashamed and more often then not they hide it. It is not something that they walk around telling everyone or showing everyone. Why because its not for others it is for themselves. Are there teens/youth who do it for what adult say is attention? Sure but my question is if they are hurting themselves for attention then what is the reason they are seeking attention in the first place! Are they lacking attention at home, do they feel they are not as popular as someone else (self esteem issues) or do they feel the need to do it to fit in (again self esteem issues) so is it really for attention or is it a deeper issue that may not be a mental illness.
Self harming seems to be more openly talked about now because of social media. More and more are being open about it and more are talking about it. So like anything else there will be teens/youth who try it to see if it really does help with the emotional and mental pains they cant explain. Does it mean it will become their coping method? No. But it does mean that as a parent you need to talk to your child and find out what is going on and what is causing them to seek out methods to cope with their life and what is happening in it. You need to ask those tough questions about peers, look at your home life and what has been happening and look at the pressures that your child has on them.
One thing that really bothers me is those who say of you self harm you are suicidal. NO it does not mean they are. YES there are those who are suicidal that self harm and YES self harming is dangerous and can result in injury that can be life threatening. Either by cutting to deep or even from an onset of infection.
So how do we deal with it as parents. Well for one if you don't understand or cant imagine doing it do not make them feel like they are stupid or crazy because they are self harming as a form of coping. Don't make them feel and think their problems are no big deal, this will only make them feel worse and make the problem worse and shut down any communication you have with them. Is it scary to think something is wrong that this is what they are doing YES and fear is something that can cause us as parent to react out of fear without thinking. You can NOT do this! This will cause your child to go back into their shell and not want to tell you if something gets worse or cause them to self harm even more. You need to remember not to put your fears on them, they are our fears and our problems NOT your child's. Children today have enough stress and pressure on them and they don't need the added stress of adults problems.
How do we help? Well we can stay calm when talking to them, listen to hear and not to respond, and be supportive. Ask them what you can do to help them stop, ask if they need to seek treatment or therapy, ask what is happening at school, with friends, or in their life in general. Be active in their lives so you know their friends and what's happening with their friends. Yes our children need privacy but as a parent you have a job to know what your child is doing, who they are with and where they are. Look for personality changes, changes in clothing (long sleeves in summer), changes in appearance in general and ask yourself if they are "typical teen" changes or is there more going on. Nobody does better detective work then a mad or worried parent so make use of it!
Its not easy when you are dealing with someone who self harms. they are already fragile and you need to walk on basically egg shells to keep from pushing them the wrong way. It not easy and it is not fun by any stretch of the imagination. As a parent of two who self harmed (one who is no longer with us & one who is 5 months clean) it is a very fine line you have to walk and you never know what may be a trigger to start the self harm again. For some it can even become an addiction and then you are dealing with a whole set of other issues. That can be even more challenging as a parent.
As someone who self harmed as a teen for years it is not a fight that just disappears when you get older. It is like any other illness that can show its ugly head at any time to make you struggle and push you mentally. Nobody will fully understand the reason why people self harm. Honestly there are many reasons, copying, not being able to understand the mental pain but being able to understand physical pain, to feel in control of your feelings and body, to want a release from everything you struggle with or they have disassociated themselves so they don't even realize they are doing it.
Unless you have been there then you cant understand, and unless you are will to be open to understanding how someone can intentionally hurt themselves then please don't say anything to make them feel worse then they already do. You can not judge someone's struggles and you can not compare them to anyone else. We ALL cope and deal with things differently and that is our right.
So before you go judging someone for self harming ( and yes that even means those who self harm and judging others for their choice to self harm) ask them if there is something you can help them with. Be an option for their coping not a reason for their coping.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Life Changes
Its been a busy and exciting few weeks in our lives. A move, new jobs, new experiences and new connections to friends. If anything I should know first hand a phone call or a moment can change your life forever and send you down a whole new path in life. Honestly, for me it's like just when you think you have settled into your life after a change something else comes along to send us on a wild ride. So for me this is just another adventure on this road called life.
Like everything I have ever been through I always find peace in music and the last three weeks have been no different. I have been able to met new people who have brought new music into my life, many songs of which I or Bailey can relate to personally.
So let's break it down shall we! So the middle of July my husband got a call with a job offer on a site just outside of Edmonton. Well of course he is going to take it, I mean who wouldn't take a Monday to Friday job! Not only did it get us out of Fort McMurray but also closer to the editor for the website/magazine that Bailey is now writing for. So for us it didn't take much thinking to say yes to the move.
Moving in itself is always stressful but when you are packing and sorting and needing it to be done in two weeks it is even more stressful! We made the decision to store our things and stay in my in-laws for a bit. We figure this will give us time to find the right location for our family and get some debts paid and money saved after the financial crisis we were faced with in the last year. So lots of changes just in that one decision.
Then we add the job Bailey has been given the opportunity to have. She is now the Teen Beat writer for Starlight Music Chronicles which has already in its short time connected her (and us) to artists and other writers who have a personal connection to our goals with Morgan's Mission. She has been introduced to local artists Bryan Finlay who has a personal connection to bullying and writes about it in his song Bulletproof, Shay Esposito who speaks about her battles with bullying and mental illness in her songs I See Everything and Medication, the band Rend with their song Scars and many others. The chief editor and creator behind SMC also has a very personal connection to suicide as she lost her cousin to suicide a few years ago which gives her and our family a personal connection like nothing anyone could ever imagine. Candice Marshall has a heart of gold and knows the importance to making these issues known to everyone.
So while all these changes have been happening and yes they are all positive and good changes we are often left with the question how is everyone adjusting. Well Bailey will take time and the true test will be when school starts before we will know for sure how she has adjusted to the move. For Greg, well he is happy to be out of an isolated town that seen his daughter leave us way too soon. And for me I am torn. While I know so many things that are happening are all good and that change can be good I am left thinking this is the first major decision we have had to make since Morgan ended her life and its hard. I feel a connection to Fort McMurray that will never go away. It is where the first major change happened for our family but also the city which Morgan was last a part of our family physically and that means I will always feel a push pull connection to Fort McMurray.
Reality is Fort McMurray is an amazing community with support that went above and beyond what I ever expected for my family after the loss we faced but I also know that resources Bailey needs in her life are not there on a full time basis and that isn't something we can live with. I will always be grateful for the community and will always continue to fight for the resources they need but for my family we need to have those close at hand for Bailey now.
So now we yet again will adjust to life changes and take each obstacle as it comes like every other one that has been thrown at us in the last couple years. There will be rough times and patches, but there will also be good times and exciting opportunities to make it worth the choice we made. So in the words of Bryan Finlay "Nothing good can last forever so live it up while we can" (Live It Up) and honestly at this point in my life it is the best advise I have heard in a song so for me that is just what I am going to do!
Like everything I have ever been through I always find peace in music and the last three weeks have been no different. I have been able to met new people who have brought new music into my life, many songs of which I or Bailey can relate to personally.
So let's break it down shall we! So the middle of July my husband got a call with a job offer on a site just outside of Edmonton. Well of course he is going to take it, I mean who wouldn't take a Monday to Friday job! Not only did it get us out of Fort McMurray but also closer to the editor for the website/magazine that Bailey is now writing for. So for us it didn't take much thinking to say yes to the move.
Moving in itself is always stressful but when you are packing and sorting and needing it to be done in two weeks it is even more stressful! We made the decision to store our things and stay in my in-laws for a bit. We figure this will give us time to find the right location for our family and get some debts paid and money saved after the financial crisis we were faced with in the last year. So lots of changes just in that one decision.
Then we add the job Bailey has been given the opportunity to have. She is now the Teen Beat writer for Starlight Music Chronicles which has already in its short time connected her (and us) to artists and other writers who have a personal connection to our goals with Morgan's Mission. She has been introduced to local artists Bryan Finlay who has a personal connection to bullying and writes about it in his song Bulletproof, Shay Esposito who speaks about her battles with bullying and mental illness in her songs I See Everything and Medication, the band Rend with their song Scars and many others. The chief editor and creator behind SMC also has a very personal connection to suicide as she lost her cousin to suicide a few years ago which gives her and our family a personal connection like nothing anyone could ever imagine. Candice Marshall has a heart of gold and knows the importance to making these issues known to everyone.
So while all these changes have been happening and yes they are all positive and good changes we are often left with the question how is everyone adjusting. Well Bailey will take time and the true test will be when school starts before we will know for sure how she has adjusted to the move. For Greg, well he is happy to be out of an isolated town that seen his daughter leave us way too soon. And for me I am torn. While I know so many things that are happening are all good and that change can be good I am left thinking this is the first major decision we have had to make since Morgan ended her life and its hard. I feel a connection to Fort McMurray that will never go away. It is where the first major change happened for our family but also the city which Morgan was last a part of our family physically and that means I will always feel a push pull connection to Fort McMurray.
Reality is Fort McMurray is an amazing community with support that went above and beyond what I ever expected for my family after the loss we faced but I also know that resources Bailey needs in her life are not there on a full time basis and that isn't something we can live with. I will always be grateful for the community and will always continue to fight for the resources they need but for my family we need to have those close at hand for Bailey now.
So now we yet again will adjust to life changes and take each obstacle as it comes like every other one that has been thrown at us in the last couple years. There will be rough times and patches, but there will also be good times and exciting opportunities to make it worth the choice we made. So in the words of Bryan Finlay "Nothing good can last forever so live it up while we can" (Live It Up) and honestly at this point in my life it is the best advise I have heard in a song so for me that is just what I am going to do!
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