Are you one of those who believe bullying will never go away? Or maybe one of those who think bullying is an over used term.... What is bullying and why has it become so much more common then when us adults were young? And when does bullying cross the line?
For so many the term bullying infuriates us to the point we want something done and fight for the school system and law enforcement to do something to fix the problem. The sad reality is bullying has become a term use to describe behaviour that falls under criminal activity and we are down playing it by not seeking criminal charges for the incident.
Reality is the term bullying only applies to repeated hurtful behaviour that happens on multiple occasions where the balance of power has shifted to one person. You don't get to argue with someone then when things don't go your way you say your being bullied when the balance of power has never shifted to one side. It is also use for the age group 12 and under. Once they reach the age of 12 they are able to be charged under the criminal code or if under the age of 18 the Young Offenders Act.
So when do you stop calling it bullying and see it for what it is? Well lets go through the list. For a lot of people they think that if a youth has physically hit, punched or kicked their child its bullying, well its not its assault and it needs to be report as such because it is NOT bullying it is in fact a criminal offence, people who have items stolen from them is theft NOT a form of bullying, a person who has had vicious things said that can ruin their reputation intentionally is defamation of character and a criminal charge, one who has been threatened, stalked, raped, exploited or harassed again ALL criminal offenses! If we want to change how bullying is handled then we need to stop down playing criminal behaviour by saying its just bullying when if fact it is not!
By down playing these behaviours we are allowing the justice system to look at it differently and the behaviour is then often repeated and in most cases escalates to something far worse! By stating the facts and seeing the behaviours for what they are then you are able to seek a form of consequence that will punish the behaviour. When we were in school if we got into a fight at school or in public we were charged with assault and had a form of punishment for the behaviour, now they get spoken to and nothing happens because we are down playing it and calling it bullying.
So what else do we have to do to help stop the cases of bullying from rising?? We also need to start looking at why these youth are behaving in these manners. If this is all they know they are not going to know that the behaviour is wrong and they need to be put into counselling to get to the root of the problem and be taught what is acceptable behaviour. Rehabilitation needs to be a part of fixing the problem. This also needs to be the case at all ages.
As parents what can we do, well there is honestly a lot we can do. We can teach our children that it is okay to not like someone but it is NOT okay to be mean or speak of them in a manner that will hurt them. We need to also teach our children that not everyone is going to be nice or speak to them the way they have been taught so in these cases we need to teach them to look at the situation and ask what could the person be going through that has them behaving like this. We can teach them that the cyber world is not always kind, that they are going to come across people who will attack them because they feel there is nothing that can be done. We teach them to secure themselves online by not sharing passwords, not adding people we don't know, by keeping computers in common areas of the home and not behind closed doors, by keeping video gaming in common areas and by teaching ourselves what is out there for social media and being an active part of our children's online life. We show our children healthy conflict resolution, set the example for them. If you have an issue or you have been hurt then allow them to see how conflict is resolved so that neither part is hurt intentionally. And more importantly if you need help with any of these DO NOT be afraid to seek resources available to you and your child! The old way of "It takes a village" is one of the best ways to create a community that is safe for all our children!
One thing I explain to parents when it comes to video gaming online is this, would you allow grown men and women into your child's bedroom with the door shut to play games with them? I have yet to receive an answer of yes, so then I ask then why are we allowing in online? You don't know who they are playing with, what is being said in these messages or how old these people are that they are playing with. And as sad as it is adults don't always realize that at 2am there are still younger teens up playing video games!
So with the younger youth that bullying does apply to, how can we help stop the behaviour before it escalates into criminal behaviour? The answer to this is not as hard as most would think. By starting when they start school you make sure they are learning to express their emotions in a healthy and safe way, you teach the rest to be understand and have empathy for the classmate who is going through a hard time. You teach them the difference between being mean and expressing the truth in a non hurtful way. Teacher are able to be a huge part in fixing these problems by implementing emotional checks, ask the kids in the morning how they are feeling and if there is someone upset or angry then encouraging them to talk about it, repeat that routine after lunch etc because people can feel different ways throughout the day. When there is a problem you can teach them how to properly work it out with the other student. Conflict resolution is a skill they will need for the rest of their lives! We need to start putting the emotional and mental health of our youth and teens first because they are NOT going to learn the way they should if they are sitting there angry because someone hurt their feelings.
We can not keep telling them to "suck it up" by doing this you are teaching them to bottle their emotions to the point they WILL explode and it will result in unwanted behaviour! Teach them to express and resolve the issues they are having. And please do not be scared to be a parent! Your not your child's friend, there is plenty of time to be a friend when they are adults (trust me). As a parent our job is raise a child who is able to express themselves properly, be able to set goals and achieve them without us holding their hand (let them fall and get up on their own), teach them how to cope with failure and rejection because we all know that is a reality in our adult world, allow them to want something and have to work for it (they will have to work for things when they are in the working world or in post secondary schooling) and most importantly make yourself available to them. When they are adults you deserve to be able to sit back and enjoy your own life again and not have to raise an adult.
For those of you who don't agree or only partially agree that is fine and I respect your choices but I do ask you to remember that your child is part of a bigger picture. It is not just them out there in the world, we want to protect our children by nature, but, I know we all want our children to grow up to be respected and successful in their lives without hurting others to get there.
Bullying can be a thing of the past but it will take each and every one of us to do our part in fixing the problems. We need to stop downplaying behaviour, encourage emotional and mental health, and be the example our future needs.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Healing After A Suicide Attempt
Today marks 1 year since our daughter attempt suicide. It was the seconds worst day I had as a parent.
A year ago our daughter suffered a mental breakdown due to her PTSD symptoms and swallowed three bottles of pills, she is lucky to still be alive. She had an angel watching over her that day and it was her twin sister that she had lost just 16 months earlier to suicide.
Healing after a loss of that nature has not been easy for Bailey or for any of us but we have continued to fight each and every day to heal ourselves and to help others that face the same loss and those who feel so lost they believe suicide is there only option to make the pain stop.
Over the last year we have had ups and downs, laughs and cries, joy and pain but we are all still here and doing what we can to help ourselves and others.
So many ask why we want to help so many others when we are still ourselves healing but what they don't understand is helping gives us purpose. It gives us a reason to keep fighting and living our lives so that others can see that healing does happen when you have the right support system in place.
Bailey and I have spend the last year working on both ourselves and ways to help others. We have taken courses through Red Cross, we have taken SafeTalk and now I am taking courses in Mental Health Counselling and Psychology courses. All have helped both ourselves and others we have talked to.
Learning to help ourselves has allowed us to find pieces of us that had been lost. Joys we once had that have returned and new interests have been found as well. Healing from loss can be rewarding if we allow it to be. We have found ways to physically help ourselves that have in turn helped us mentally and emotionally. We began working out and eating clean which has improved our sleeping habits, our physical health and it also has given us family time together. We have started going to more and more events both in our community and local communities. This has allowed us to meet and talk to people that we never would have had the pleasure of meeting had we locked ourselves away and suffered alone. We have found interests that maybe were always there but had no reason to be explored and now as we find to new "us" we have allowed them to come out. You see healing can be a pathway to someone new.
When you lose a child that old person you once were is not who you are after the loss. You become a different person that look sand feels so much differently then you did before and that is okay! For me I have accepted that I am not longer the person I once was but now I know I need to find the person I am today. Change is never easy but the sooner you accept it and start looking inside to find that new you then you start to heal a little more each day. For some its a new hobby to ground and center yourself, a new interest that expands your body and mind, a new friends who just "gets" you and wants to see you become the best you out there and more importantly change can allow you to finally find your purpose.
Bailey has healed so much in such a short time. Maybe because she is young or maybe because she has had so many amazing people come into her life that want to see her succeed and share the life story in hopes of helping so many youth that need to hear it or maybe because they can relate in some small way and know that she too can beat this and live the life she deserves. Bailey is and will continue to be under the care of doctors for a long time to come but that is okay because she knows her mind needs to be healthy and that she needs to be stable to do all she sets out to accomplish in her life. While being an advocate is important to her she also knows she needs to accomplish her long term personal goals too. Some days are harder then others but she gets up and shows up everyday and that is what counts. For her to show others that even with loss and mental illness you are able to fight back and do what you need to in order to help yourself first she is showing so many that strength is possible. Believing in yourself is possible after depression tells you that you shouldn't, that doing those things that once caused your anxiety to peak will soon become an interest that brings great excitement, that the addictions you once faced will become a part of your past so you can find those healthy ways to cope with life's stressors and that loss can change you into someone who is stronger, more loving, more accepting, and someone who lives each and everyday to the fullest and never takes an opportunity for granted! My daughter at 15 has gained so much knowledge and passion at such a young age that she has shown me learning new things is always possible, you are only as old as you feel and that strength comes when you need it most.
Today we celebrate that she is still with us and still going strong despite those bad days. We celebrate the life she is learning to live despite the greatest loss she will ever face and we thank her angel for showing her that she needs to be here, that even with Morgan gone she is still her protector and her voice the same as she was while she was with us.
Today is a new day, and another year to heal and grow. <3
A year ago our daughter suffered a mental breakdown due to her PTSD symptoms and swallowed three bottles of pills, she is lucky to still be alive. She had an angel watching over her that day and it was her twin sister that she had lost just 16 months earlier to suicide.
Healing after a loss of that nature has not been easy for Bailey or for any of us but we have continued to fight each and every day to heal ourselves and to help others that face the same loss and those who feel so lost they believe suicide is there only option to make the pain stop.
Over the last year we have had ups and downs, laughs and cries, joy and pain but we are all still here and doing what we can to help ourselves and others.
So many ask why we want to help so many others when we are still ourselves healing but what they don't understand is helping gives us purpose. It gives us a reason to keep fighting and living our lives so that others can see that healing does happen when you have the right support system in place.
Bailey and I have spend the last year working on both ourselves and ways to help others. We have taken courses through Red Cross, we have taken SafeTalk and now I am taking courses in Mental Health Counselling and Psychology courses. All have helped both ourselves and others we have talked to.
Learning to help ourselves has allowed us to find pieces of us that had been lost. Joys we once had that have returned and new interests have been found as well. Healing from loss can be rewarding if we allow it to be. We have found ways to physically help ourselves that have in turn helped us mentally and emotionally. We began working out and eating clean which has improved our sleeping habits, our physical health and it also has given us family time together. We have started going to more and more events both in our community and local communities. This has allowed us to meet and talk to people that we never would have had the pleasure of meeting had we locked ourselves away and suffered alone. We have found interests that maybe were always there but had no reason to be explored and now as we find to new "us" we have allowed them to come out. You see healing can be a pathway to someone new.
When you lose a child that old person you once were is not who you are after the loss. You become a different person that look sand feels so much differently then you did before and that is okay! For me I have accepted that I am not longer the person I once was but now I know I need to find the person I am today. Change is never easy but the sooner you accept it and start looking inside to find that new you then you start to heal a little more each day. For some its a new hobby to ground and center yourself, a new interest that expands your body and mind, a new friends who just "gets" you and wants to see you become the best you out there and more importantly change can allow you to finally find your purpose.
Bailey has healed so much in such a short time. Maybe because she is young or maybe because she has had so many amazing people come into her life that want to see her succeed and share the life story in hopes of helping so many youth that need to hear it or maybe because they can relate in some small way and know that she too can beat this and live the life she deserves. Bailey is and will continue to be under the care of doctors for a long time to come but that is okay because she knows her mind needs to be healthy and that she needs to be stable to do all she sets out to accomplish in her life. While being an advocate is important to her she also knows she needs to accomplish her long term personal goals too. Some days are harder then others but she gets up and shows up everyday and that is what counts. For her to show others that even with loss and mental illness you are able to fight back and do what you need to in order to help yourself first she is showing so many that strength is possible. Believing in yourself is possible after depression tells you that you shouldn't, that doing those things that once caused your anxiety to peak will soon become an interest that brings great excitement, that the addictions you once faced will become a part of your past so you can find those healthy ways to cope with life's stressors and that loss can change you into someone who is stronger, more loving, more accepting, and someone who lives each and everyday to the fullest and never takes an opportunity for granted! My daughter at 15 has gained so much knowledge and passion at such a young age that she has shown me learning new things is always possible, you are only as old as you feel and that strength comes when you need it most.
Today we celebrate that she is still with us and still going strong despite those bad days. We celebrate the life she is learning to live despite the greatest loss she will ever face and we thank her angel for showing her that she needs to be here, that even with Morgan gone she is still her protector and her voice the same as she was while she was with us.
Today is a new day, and another year to heal and grow. <3
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