When Reality Hits Like a Bag of F*%King Bricks!!!

First off I am going to start with yes I am okay!

With less then a week till the angelversary of Morgan's suicide it is to be expected that stress will play a role in our day to day lives. Yesterday was no exception!

My day started of great, I got up took my supplements, ate and cleaned half the house. Then it went to productive, I worked on some pamphlets and information for our upcoming fundraiser and then it went to what the fuck just happened!

So let me go back a few nights and explain a few things so you kinda get where this all came from. So my C-PTSD showed it ugly side last week when I woke up in a cold sweat and my thigh burning from a nightmare. I was attacked from behind and was being dragged across a parking lot which resulted in my thigh getting road burn. May have been a dream but when I woke those scares on my thigh were burning like they were fresh. Nothing like jumping up out of bed at 5am and not knowing what the hell is going on. The only thing that calmed me was seeing my husband laying beside me still sleeping. I never did go back to sleep that day. Instead I poured my energy into getting things together for our announcement.

Fast forward a couple days and we come to yesterday. Bailey went to school to write her first exam. I did some work and checked her facebook. Yes I check it and I don't give a rats ass what anyone says she is my daughter and my job to protect her and I will do that till my last breath. So turns out Bailey didn't have a so good day. She almost relapsed and thank god no episode. I messaged and told her to get her ass home to which she didn't question.

Now what happens after she got home some will say I was harsh, some will say she needed it and some will think WTF did you do. So let me be clear, unless you have lived in my house and know the ins and outs of what we go through, sat in countless hours of therapy, counselling and doctors appointments YOU don't get to judge how we decide to handle tough things that come up in our lives. I know what is best and sometimes the whole protecting and baby our kids needs to stop. And yesterday was the hard cold facts or reality that she needed.

So Bailey wrote her first exam yesterday, last year she didn't have to but this year she did. She came home and I questioned her about her facebook messages and she started to reply with "I'm not prepared for exams, I broke down in tears at the end" to which I replied well you have been told that you need to focus on the task at hand and stop thinking forward. She then replied well its a week away .... and I said oh no you are NOT blaming your sister for your choices no more! Morgan isn't around to defend herself and no way in hell you are going to grow up with the poor me attitude or blaming your sister for your life choices! You see in this house the first time you do something wrong its a mistake, you continue that mistake and it is now a choice and YOU are responsible for the outcome!  Did Bailey lose her twin to suicide YES, does that mean she gets to roll over and blame that on every bad day or poor choice NO! She is in control of what she does and how she feels. God knows she has done enough therapy in the last two years she could probably get a damn degree in it! Am I being cold heart, maybe to some but in our house NO! We all lost Morgan that day, we have all lost someone we love and we have all lost a part of ourselves but in no way are we victims! We are survivors and that is the mentality we need to keep going. Bailey has PTSD yes and I know when those signs are showing and yesterday was not one of them, yesterday was a high stress day with regular life and she almost allowed herself to give way to that and blame someone else for those actions, THAT IS NOT OKAY!! And I made damn sure she knew that. So how did her evening play out, just fine! She bucked up, ate supper, spend some time with dad and went to bed like she does every single night and today she is just fine, home listening to music and dancing.

So how did my day go to WTF well as a mom who has C-PTSD and finally had been diagnosed with BPD at 21 I have my own battles to fight. Last night for the first time in almost 16-17 years I literally could feel that reality slipping away from under me. NOT cool and NOT fun! I know I am not crazy, I know I have been through a lot of shit but I am not crazy. But last night holy hell I thought I was getting there! And then being open with husband he knew something was wrong and to try to explain how you feel that line of reality fade and its like your living in a dream world but there is no way to fight it made me sound like I was losing it. I told him I had a headache for two days and nights straight (yesterday it was gone) I was hungry but felt sick all day, and if I stopped and sat for any length of time it was like I had no control of where my mind went and I honestly though a break down was going to happen. The last time I had this feeling it was before I had the twins and I was more danger to myself then anyone ( or at least in my own head I thought I was) I haven't self harmed in YEARS and its not something I would think I would do. I don't drink, and I don't do drugs. I cant, because I know if days like yesterday happen it would be so easy to give into those weaknesses. For me that isn't an option.
HA writing this really makes me think my husband must have thought I was going crazy last night!
So on to what I did. Well I told him how I felt, and honestly I still don't know what would have made that happen yesterday. It honestly wasn't any more stressful then other days, in fact I have had so much worse days then yesterday that I was now starting to analyze myself. Ok I have done psychotherapy, the workshops and everything in the past so its just what I do is analyze and research. Yeah well this chick right here had NOTHING I couldn't for the life of me find anything that would have caused last night's episode and I was pissed! Never have I ever not been able to find the root of a problem or the cause of an action and I was NOT having it! So what did I do? Well I ate supper, cleaned up, and went up to read my book. I haven't picked up a book to read since Morgan died. So when Bailey went to bed I looked around and thought ok I am not losing my mind, I am tired! I am tired of fighting against every person who thinks we should be shutting our mouths about Morgan's suicide, Bailey's suicide attempt, her struggle with self harm, my struggle with self harm in the past, my husband's anxiety, my BPD, our PTSD, bullying and how it IS connected to domestic violence, mental illness and how people need to treat it the SAME WAY we do cancer and every other illness that cant KILL people, the fact that our human races has become so fucked in how we think and our priorities (gun rights over human lives, wild animals in cages, their natural instinct over a child's life, the fact that money and power are more important then compassion and empathy, how we fight for rights that should just be there like who we can love and marry, or that we have to fight for treatment to illnesses that shouldn't be killing our youth.) Yes I feel more deeply then the average person, I see things clearer then most people and I can look at a situation and figure out how to fix it and what the problem is. I cant help that! It is who I am and I cant keep blocking myself from that to make other people feel comfortable. So you see I wasn't losing my grasp with reality IN FACT my reality was making itself clear for the first time in YEARS and I was trying to suppress it.

This morning I got to talk some to a good friend and what she said is what made me realize that I have been living with so many walls up because I feel so much more then most people (Morgan was the same way) I attract the wrong people in herds and the good people in my life tend to be those who I never let go of so they have been with me for decades. So am I crazy?? Maybe in some ways but not mentally, I am just a mom who lost a part of my heart forever, a mom who fights everyday for the rights of my children and your children, I fight for the day when everyone can live without fear of who they are and what invisible illness they have, I fight for the day we all have access to the treatment we need when we need it so no others have to die from a treatable illness and I live for the day that everyone can have their opinion and not be judged for it, the day we can all say we agree to disagree but find a common ground to live together on without wanting to change everyone to who we are. Honestly if we were all the same it would be boring as hell! We are all individuals, we all have goals, hopes and dreams and we all deserve to live without fear of what others think about us.

It has taken me a long time to get to a point in my life that I don't give a rats ass what people think about me. How I look, feel and think is not anyone's business but what others think of me is none of my business, nor do I care. I am happy, I have my days but I am happy and that is all that matters. And it is all that should matter to you! If you are happy then nobody has the power to take that from you unless you give them that power. If that is the case it is time for you to take that back. Just as I have with mine <3 So yesterday it is safe so say my reality hit and it hit hard lol. Today I pick myself up, dust it off and start letting that reality make its way through my life again. Oh and I will warn you, I have been through a lot of shit, and I mean a lot..... so reality coming back full force means those who get in my way with what I want may not know what hit them...... just ask those who have had the pleasure of dealing with my determination if you need to know what your up against ;)

Now time for music and a good hard core workout! Love you all who have stood by my side and who continue to, you mean more to me then you will ever know <3

Changes

I realized today it has been a long time since writing my last blog and figured I should start back at it. So much has happened in the last few months that I need to clear my mind and get back on track. Not just with my writing but with everything that we have going on in our lives.
So much has happened! Both good and a few bad things, but that is life.
Back in February Bailey was crowned Miss Teenage Fort Saskatchewan 2016 in regional. Since then she has been busy with volunteering and showing up at events within our city. She is enjoying her title and looking forward to nationals in Toronto this July. She has met some amazing girls who have helped in so many ways.
We have moved out of Greg's parents place and into a place of our own and have been busy making the changes needed to declutter and organize our home. It is smaller then we have had in the past but it is just the three of us now so it works.
We have started working out and weight training together as a family and watching what we are eating. This was needed for our physical and our mental health. We have all had our issues with sleeping and weight gain with the stress level being up so we felt our lives needed a change. This is where change is a good thing! Exercise is so beneficial to our healing and our health that it was a no brainer to start doing it. Bailey has had her weeks where she isn't pushing herself but with the stress of exams and the second angelversary of Morgan's suicide coming up it is understandable. Greg has been doing great and is making progress and I am learning that no matter what my age, weight training can be done!
Last month Fort McMurray seen a city wide evacuation due to an out of control wild fire that sent us into panic waiting to hear our son made it out safely. Once we did we were able to stop and think how can we help. Bailey did well raising money for the Red Cross and local stops that the evacuees where making on the way down to Edmonton. The city has since started the heal and rebuilding process and even my brother and his crew from work back east came out to help. It was great being able to see my brother again after almost three years of being away from home.
On our path to healing we have had road bumps, episodes and good times. While nothing will ever bring back Morgan then work we continue to do to help others and fight for changes keeps us going in the right direction. Morgan I know is proud of all we have been able to do in such a short amount of time. This September we are finally hosting our first major fundraiser in the form of a concert. We have four local artists who will be performing and all have worked to stop bullying and change the way others see mental health so it is a perfect fit. The money raised will be for getting some projects off the ground and also to help Robb Nash Project which is amazing!!! |Our target age will be 12 and up and we hope that parents will come to see what all we have to offer.
So many changes and so many more to come. So many fear change but I have  come to welcome it as a part of life. Nothing stays the same for long and we have to learn to adapt and continue on. This is how we survive and how we grow as individuals. We have to or we get stuck and then we have an even harder time being able to function and deal with the everyday stresses of life.
I have come to see its not about forgetting and carrying on as if nothing has happened but learning to accept fate and accept it as part of who we are. Losing a child is unbearable but it is now part of who I am. I am a suicide loss survivor and that, I can not change. No matter what happens, no matter what I do or say and no matter where I am that is a part of who I am and I have come to accept that. I will have hard days, easy days and days I wish would just end, but it is how I choose to get through them and how I choose to think that makes the difference in fighting or giving up. In my life, giving up is not an option! Nor will it be for my family. We are fighters and I will fight everyday if I have to.
Learning to live again wasn't easy and I will never expect someone to be able to just pick up the shattered pieces of their lives and carry on like nothing has happened but learning to accept those broken pieces as part of who you are is important and vital in learning to live again. Smiling and laughing at first seem hard and you worry others will think you have forgotten when you haven't but you learn to smile and laugh again because it is part of healing and continuing on with our lives.
Nobody can tell you what is right or what will work for you. They can offer support and love but they cant tell you what will help heal that pain for you. Grief is a journey that is as unique and each one of us. All I can say is keep going and seek out those who support and love you for you and you will be okay. It may take months or even years but you will be okay.
I have learnt that when you are faced with unimaginable circumstances you find those who are true to you and those who will want to take advantage of the situation. Some will not know how to talk to you anymore fearing they will say the wrong thing, many will want to help but not know how and some will even try to make everything about them. You know what that is okay, and why I say that is because that is about them not you! The only thing we can control is ourselves, our own actions and our own thoughts. Those around us will eventually see they cant change who we are and they will move on.
So what has the last few months shown me? Well they have shown me I am stronger then I ever was before. Both mentally and emotionally. It has shown me that I am not responsible for how others see me or how they think. I am who I am and no matter what I go through in life my children, grandbabies (oh yeah number two in due in November) and my husband come first, and that those around me who cause me stress and worry are not worth my energy. I am stronger and I am who I am and nothing will change that. I have seen my daughter fall and pick herself up and keep going so I know my strength is in her and she will be okay. That and we are far to stubborn to stay down!
To you I hope you all find that strength inside you to keep fighting. I can't promise it will be easy but I do promise it will be worth it!