When you have lost someone you love the holidays can be hard to manage and get through. For us it means learning and finding new ways to do old things.
Making new traditions is suppose to be a fun and exciting but when you are creating things to help make a time of year exciting again it is often full of trial and errors.
This year we let Bailey take the lead in what she felt like doing. For us Christmas day was at midnight Christmas Eve after spending time with Greg's family. We came home and we sat and opened our gifts then we got to sleep in on Christmas morning.
The days leading up to Christmas and NYE are often far worse then the days themselves. For us, yet again, those days were hard and also come with a lot of life changes.
Two weeks before Christmas Bailey had another break down and was in the hospital. She then agreed to change her schooling from public to homeschooling. Both these events were major decisions and will be a new experience for us as a family. Once the choice was made Bailey was able to start taking time for herself to clean up some old demons and relax. She was also able to set a plan in place to help get her through school the next couple years. This also came just days after her dad was laid off which caused her some unneeded stress. We tell her that things will always be fine, we always manage to get through hard times because we stick together but she knew it meant changes for the holidays which she isn't a fan of change.
Christmas Day brought a challenge in itself with having to drive 2 hours both ways to pick up her brother so he was able to have a warm place to stay for a bit till he made his choices for the new year. He leaves Tuesday to start his new adventure. This was not an easy adjustment for Bailey either. Anything that changes her way of life or day to day planning is hard on her. We also spent the day with Greg's family after thinking this year we may just spend it together with just the three of us.
Now as we get ready to start a new year it would seem we are all getting to a point we are tired and wanting things to grow and get better. We have spent the week cleaning out old and unused things to donate, cleaning, organizing and blessing the home. We are determined to make next year the year we really start pulling things together and start focusing on positive growth and changes.
Our family has some big goals we want to accomplish next year and we have some really exciting events that are coming up that can really help others. These will make so much difference in our lives if they all pay off as we plan which means lots of work and positive thinking on our part has to happen.
Surviving the holidays is something we all do when we are faced with it. Now its time to start enjoying them again in our own way. Being gentle with ourselves and remembering to say no to what don't feel right is a big key to that. Making new traditions and finding new ways to stay busy helps pass the time and before you know it you have made it through them.
Today is NYE and tonight we made the choice to stay home and finish up the last of the house clean out that we want done to bring the New Year in fresh. For me getting rid of clutter and unneeded stress and things are key to starting the New Year without added baggage. Physically and mentally we want the next year to be our best. We will NOT be making resolutions but life changes. We will continue or fitness journey, we will continue to eat clean and take the vitamins our body needs, we will continue to work on learning to live life to the fullest and more importantly we will continue to work towards the goals we set every year. 2017 brings many milestones for our family and we plan to mark each and every one of them count. We have a 10 yr Anniversary, a sweet 16, a 40th birthday and a few other's to look forward to and we are also planning to drive across Canada to go home for a visit and finally meet our grandson! We also have a few major events we are part of that we are all looking forward to!!!
So as you all ring in the New Year please remember to take with you positivity and encouragement for all that you plan to do the next year. Do NOT Drink and Drive! Be safe and remember that what you do and how you think will be what makes 2017 the best year of your life!
Happy New Year to you all.
~People who believe do, and people who do believe.......... Believe you can do it and you will ~
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
When Bullying Crosses the Line
Are you one of those who believe bullying will never go away? Or maybe one of those who think bullying is an over used term.... What is bullying and why has it become so much more common then when us adults were young? And when does bullying cross the line?
For so many the term bullying infuriates us to the point we want something done and fight for the school system and law enforcement to do something to fix the problem. The sad reality is bullying has become a term use to describe behaviour that falls under criminal activity and we are down playing it by not seeking criminal charges for the incident.
Reality is the term bullying only applies to repeated hurtful behaviour that happens on multiple occasions where the balance of power has shifted to one person. You don't get to argue with someone then when things don't go your way you say your being bullied when the balance of power has never shifted to one side. It is also use for the age group 12 and under. Once they reach the age of 12 they are able to be charged under the criminal code or if under the age of 18 the Young Offenders Act.
So when do you stop calling it bullying and see it for what it is? Well lets go through the list. For a lot of people they think that if a youth has physically hit, punched or kicked their child its bullying, well its not its assault and it needs to be report as such because it is NOT bullying it is in fact a criminal offence, people who have items stolen from them is theft NOT a form of bullying, a person who has had vicious things said that can ruin their reputation intentionally is defamation of character and a criminal charge, one who has been threatened, stalked, raped, exploited or harassed again ALL criminal offenses! If we want to change how bullying is handled then we need to stop down playing criminal behaviour by saying its just bullying when if fact it is not!
By down playing these behaviours we are allowing the justice system to look at it differently and the behaviour is then often repeated and in most cases escalates to something far worse! By stating the facts and seeing the behaviours for what they are then you are able to seek a form of consequence that will punish the behaviour. When we were in school if we got into a fight at school or in public we were charged with assault and had a form of punishment for the behaviour, now they get spoken to and nothing happens because we are down playing it and calling it bullying.
So what else do we have to do to help stop the cases of bullying from rising?? We also need to start looking at why these youth are behaving in these manners. If this is all they know they are not going to know that the behaviour is wrong and they need to be put into counselling to get to the root of the problem and be taught what is acceptable behaviour. Rehabilitation needs to be a part of fixing the problem. This also needs to be the case at all ages.
As parents what can we do, well there is honestly a lot we can do. We can teach our children that it is okay to not like someone but it is NOT okay to be mean or speak of them in a manner that will hurt them. We need to also teach our children that not everyone is going to be nice or speak to them the way they have been taught so in these cases we need to teach them to look at the situation and ask what could the person be going through that has them behaving like this. We can teach them that the cyber world is not always kind, that they are going to come across people who will attack them because they feel there is nothing that can be done. We teach them to secure themselves online by not sharing passwords, not adding people we don't know, by keeping computers in common areas of the home and not behind closed doors, by keeping video gaming in common areas and by teaching ourselves what is out there for social media and being an active part of our children's online life. We show our children healthy conflict resolution, set the example for them. If you have an issue or you have been hurt then allow them to see how conflict is resolved so that neither part is hurt intentionally. And more importantly if you need help with any of these DO NOT be afraid to seek resources available to you and your child! The old way of "It takes a village" is one of the best ways to create a community that is safe for all our children!
One thing I explain to parents when it comes to video gaming online is this, would you allow grown men and women into your child's bedroom with the door shut to play games with them? I have yet to receive an answer of yes, so then I ask then why are we allowing in online? You don't know who they are playing with, what is being said in these messages or how old these people are that they are playing with. And as sad as it is adults don't always realize that at 2am there are still younger teens up playing video games!
So with the younger youth that bullying does apply to, how can we help stop the behaviour before it escalates into criminal behaviour? The answer to this is not as hard as most would think. By starting when they start school you make sure they are learning to express their emotions in a healthy and safe way, you teach the rest to be understand and have empathy for the classmate who is going through a hard time. You teach them the difference between being mean and expressing the truth in a non hurtful way. Teacher are able to be a huge part in fixing these problems by implementing emotional checks, ask the kids in the morning how they are feeling and if there is someone upset or angry then encouraging them to talk about it, repeat that routine after lunch etc because people can feel different ways throughout the day. When there is a problem you can teach them how to properly work it out with the other student. Conflict resolution is a skill they will need for the rest of their lives! We need to start putting the emotional and mental health of our youth and teens first because they are NOT going to learn the way they should if they are sitting there angry because someone hurt their feelings.
We can not keep telling them to "suck it up" by doing this you are teaching them to bottle their emotions to the point they WILL explode and it will result in unwanted behaviour! Teach them to express and resolve the issues they are having. And please do not be scared to be a parent! Your not your child's friend, there is plenty of time to be a friend when they are adults (trust me). As a parent our job is raise a child who is able to express themselves properly, be able to set goals and achieve them without us holding their hand (let them fall and get up on their own), teach them how to cope with failure and rejection because we all know that is a reality in our adult world, allow them to want something and have to work for it (they will have to work for things when they are in the working world or in post secondary schooling) and most importantly make yourself available to them. When they are adults you deserve to be able to sit back and enjoy your own life again and not have to raise an adult.
For those of you who don't agree or only partially agree that is fine and I respect your choices but I do ask you to remember that your child is part of a bigger picture. It is not just them out there in the world, we want to protect our children by nature, but, I know we all want our children to grow up to be respected and successful in their lives without hurting others to get there.
Bullying can be a thing of the past but it will take each and every one of us to do our part in fixing the problems. We need to stop downplaying behaviour, encourage emotional and mental health, and be the example our future needs.
For so many the term bullying infuriates us to the point we want something done and fight for the school system and law enforcement to do something to fix the problem. The sad reality is bullying has become a term use to describe behaviour that falls under criminal activity and we are down playing it by not seeking criminal charges for the incident.
Reality is the term bullying only applies to repeated hurtful behaviour that happens on multiple occasions where the balance of power has shifted to one person. You don't get to argue with someone then when things don't go your way you say your being bullied when the balance of power has never shifted to one side. It is also use for the age group 12 and under. Once they reach the age of 12 they are able to be charged under the criminal code or if under the age of 18 the Young Offenders Act.
So when do you stop calling it bullying and see it for what it is? Well lets go through the list. For a lot of people they think that if a youth has physically hit, punched or kicked their child its bullying, well its not its assault and it needs to be report as such because it is NOT bullying it is in fact a criminal offence, people who have items stolen from them is theft NOT a form of bullying, a person who has had vicious things said that can ruin their reputation intentionally is defamation of character and a criminal charge, one who has been threatened, stalked, raped, exploited or harassed again ALL criminal offenses! If we want to change how bullying is handled then we need to stop down playing criminal behaviour by saying its just bullying when if fact it is not!
By down playing these behaviours we are allowing the justice system to look at it differently and the behaviour is then often repeated and in most cases escalates to something far worse! By stating the facts and seeing the behaviours for what they are then you are able to seek a form of consequence that will punish the behaviour. When we were in school if we got into a fight at school or in public we were charged with assault and had a form of punishment for the behaviour, now they get spoken to and nothing happens because we are down playing it and calling it bullying.
So what else do we have to do to help stop the cases of bullying from rising?? We also need to start looking at why these youth are behaving in these manners. If this is all they know they are not going to know that the behaviour is wrong and they need to be put into counselling to get to the root of the problem and be taught what is acceptable behaviour. Rehabilitation needs to be a part of fixing the problem. This also needs to be the case at all ages.
As parents what can we do, well there is honestly a lot we can do. We can teach our children that it is okay to not like someone but it is NOT okay to be mean or speak of them in a manner that will hurt them. We need to also teach our children that not everyone is going to be nice or speak to them the way they have been taught so in these cases we need to teach them to look at the situation and ask what could the person be going through that has them behaving like this. We can teach them that the cyber world is not always kind, that they are going to come across people who will attack them because they feel there is nothing that can be done. We teach them to secure themselves online by not sharing passwords, not adding people we don't know, by keeping computers in common areas of the home and not behind closed doors, by keeping video gaming in common areas and by teaching ourselves what is out there for social media and being an active part of our children's online life. We show our children healthy conflict resolution, set the example for them. If you have an issue or you have been hurt then allow them to see how conflict is resolved so that neither part is hurt intentionally. And more importantly if you need help with any of these DO NOT be afraid to seek resources available to you and your child! The old way of "It takes a village" is one of the best ways to create a community that is safe for all our children!
One thing I explain to parents when it comes to video gaming online is this, would you allow grown men and women into your child's bedroom with the door shut to play games with them? I have yet to receive an answer of yes, so then I ask then why are we allowing in online? You don't know who they are playing with, what is being said in these messages or how old these people are that they are playing with. And as sad as it is adults don't always realize that at 2am there are still younger teens up playing video games!
So with the younger youth that bullying does apply to, how can we help stop the behaviour before it escalates into criminal behaviour? The answer to this is not as hard as most would think. By starting when they start school you make sure they are learning to express their emotions in a healthy and safe way, you teach the rest to be understand and have empathy for the classmate who is going through a hard time. You teach them the difference between being mean and expressing the truth in a non hurtful way. Teacher are able to be a huge part in fixing these problems by implementing emotional checks, ask the kids in the morning how they are feeling and if there is someone upset or angry then encouraging them to talk about it, repeat that routine after lunch etc because people can feel different ways throughout the day. When there is a problem you can teach them how to properly work it out with the other student. Conflict resolution is a skill they will need for the rest of their lives! We need to start putting the emotional and mental health of our youth and teens first because they are NOT going to learn the way they should if they are sitting there angry because someone hurt their feelings.
We can not keep telling them to "suck it up" by doing this you are teaching them to bottle their emotions to the point they WILL explode and it will result in unwanted behaviour! Teach them to express and resolve the issues they are having. And please do not be scared to be a parent! Your not your child's friend, there is plenty of time to be a friend when they are adults (trust me). As a parent our job is raise a child who is able to express themselves properly, be able to set goals and achieve them without us holding their hand (let them fall and get up on their own), teach them how to cope with failure and rejection because we all know that is a reality in our adult world, allow them to want something and have to work for it (they will have to work for things when they are in the working world or in post secondary schooling) and most importantly make yourself available to them. When they are adults you deserve to be able to sit back and enjoy your own life again and not have to raise an adult.
For those of you who don't agree or only partially agree that is fine and I respect your choices but I do ask you to remember that your child is part of a bigger picture. It is not just them out there in the world, we want to protect our children by nature, but, I know we all want our children to grow up to be respected and successful in their lives without hurting others to get there.
Bullying can be a thing of the past but it will take each and every one of us to do our part in fixing the problems. We need to stop downplaying behaviour, encourage emotional and mental health, and be the example our future needs.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Healing After A Suicide Attempt
Today marks 1 year since our daughter attempt suicide. It was the seconds worst day I had as a parent.
A year ago our daughter suffered a mental breakdown due to her PTSD symptoms and swallowed three bottles of pills, she is lucky to still be alive. She had an angel watching over her that day and it was her twin sister that she had lost just 16 months earlier to suicide.
Healing after a loss of that nature has not been easy for Bailey or for any of us but we have continued to fight each and every day to heal ourselves and to help others that face the same loss and those who feel so lost they believe suicide is there only option to make the pain stop.
Over the last year we have had ups and downs, laughs and cries, joy and pain but we are all still here and doing what we can to help ourselves and others.
So many ask why we want to help so many others when we are still ourselves healing but what they don't understand is helping gives us purpose. It gives us a reason to keep fighting and living our lives so that others can see that healing does happen when you have the right support system in place.
Bailey and I have spend the last year working on both ourselves and ways to help others. We have taken courses through Red Cross, we have taken SafeTalk and now I am taking courses in Mental Health Counselling and Psychology courses. All have helped both ourselves and others we have talked to.
Learning to help ourselves has allowed us to find pieces of us that had been lost. Joys we once had that have returned and new interests have been found as well. Healing from loss can be rewarding if we allow it to be. We have found ways to physically help ourselves that have in turn helped us mentally and emotionally. We began working out and eating clean which has improved our sleeping habits, our physical health and it also has given us family time together. We have started going to more and more events both in our community and local communities. This has allowed us to meet and talk to people that we never would have had the pleasure of meeting had we locked ourselves away and suffered alone. We have found interests that maybe were always there but had no reason to be explored and now as we find to new "us" we have allowed them to come out. You see healing can be a pathway to someone new.
When you lose a child that old person you once were is not who you are after the loss. You become a different person that look sand feels so much differently then you did before and that is okay! For me I have accepted that I am not longer the person I once was but now I know I need to find the person I am today. Change is never easy but the sooner you accept it and start looking inside to find that new you then you start to heal a little more each day. For some its a new hobby to ground and center yourself, a new interest that expands your body and mind, a new friends who just "gets" you and wants to see you become the best you out there and more importantly change can allow you to finally find your purpose.
Bailey has healed so much in such a short time. Maybe because she is young or maybe because she has had so many amazing people come into her life that want to see her succeed and share the life story in hopes of helping so many youth that need to hear it or maybe because they can relate in some small way and know that she too can beat this and live the life she deserves. Bailey is and will continue to be under the care of doctors for a long time to come but that is okay because she knows her mind needs to be healthy and that she needs to be stable to do all she sets out to accomplish in her life. While being an advocate is important to her she also knows she needs to accomplish her long term personal goals too. Some days are harder then others but she gets up and shows up everyday and that is what counts. For her to show others that even with loss and mental illness you are able to fight back and do what you need to in order to help yourself first she is showing so many that strength is possible. Believing in yourself is possible after depression tells you that you shouldn't, that doing those things that once caused your anxiety to peak will soon become an interest that brings great excitement, that the addictions you once faced will become a part of your past so you can find those healthy ways to cope with life's stressors and that loss can change you into someone who is stronger, more loving, more accepting, and someone who lives each and everyday to the fullest and never takes an opportunity for granted! My daughter at 15 has gained so much knowledge and passion at such a young age that she has shown me learning new things is always possible, you are only as old as you feel and that strength comes when you need it most.
Today we celebrate that she is still with us and still going strong despite those bad days. We celebrate the life she is learning to live despite the greatest loss she will ever face and we thank her angel for showing her that she needs to be here, that even with Morgan gone she is still her protector and her voice the same as she was while she was with us.
Today is a new day, and another year to heal and grow. <3
A year ago our daughter suffered a mental breakdown due to her PTSD symptoms and swallowed three bottles of pills, she is lucky to still be alive. She had an angel watching over her that day and it was her twin sister that she had lost just 16 months earlier to suicide.
Healing after a loss of that nature has not been easy for Bailey or for any of us but we have continued to fight each and every day to heal ourselves and to help others that face the same loss and those who feel so lost they believe suicide is there only option to make the pain stop.
Over the last year we have had ups and downs, laughs and cries, joy and pain but we are all still here and doing what we can to help ourselves and others.
So many ask why we want to help so many others when we are still ourselves healing but what they don't understand is helping gives us purpose. It gives us a reason to keep fighting and living our lives so that others can see that healing does happen when you have the right support system in place.
Bailey and I have spend the last year working on both ourselves and ways to help others. We have taken courses through Red Cross, we have taken SafeTalk and now I am taking courses in Mental Health Counselling and Psychology courses. All have helped both ourselves and others we have talked to.
Learning to help ourselves has allowed us to find pieces of us that had been lost. Joys we once had that have returned and new interests have been found as well. Healing from loss can be rewarding if we allow it to be. We have found ways to physically help ourselves that have in turn helped us mentally and emotionally. We began working out and eating clean which has improved our sleeping habits, our physical health and it also has given us family time together. We have started going to more and more events both in our community and local communities. This has allowed us to meet and talk to people that we never would have had the pleasure of meeting had we locked ourselves away and suffered alone. We have found interests that maybe were always there but had no reason to be explored and now as we find to new "us" we have allowed them to come out. You see healing can be a pathway to someone new.
When you lose a child that old person you once were is not who you are after the loss. You become a different person that look sand feels so much differently then you did before and that is okay! For me I have accepted that I am not longer the person I once was but now I know I need to find the person I am today. Change is never easy but the sooner you accept it and start looking inside to find that new you then you start to heal a little more each day. For some its a new hobby to ground and center yourself, a new interest that expands your body and mind, a new friends who just "gets" you and wants to see you become the best you out there and more importantly change can allow you to finally find your purpose.
Bailey has healed so much in such a short time. Maybe because she is young or maybe because she has had so many amazing people come into her life that want to see her succeed and share the life story in hopes of helping so many youth that need to hear it or maybe because they can relate in some small way and know that she too can beat this and live the life she deserves. Bailey is and will continue to be under the care of doctors for a long time to come but that is okay because she knows her mind needs to be healthy and that she needs to be stable to do all she sets out to accomplish in her life. While being an advocate is important to her she also knows she needs to accomplish her long term personal goals too. Some days are harder then others but she gets up and shows up everyday and that is what counts. For her to show others that even with loss and mental illness you are able to fight back and do what you need to in order to help yourself first she is showing so many that strength is possible. Believing in yourself is possible after depression tells you that you shouldn't, that doing those things that once caused your anxiety to peak will soon become an interest that brings great excitement, that the addictions you once faced will become a part of your past so you can find those healthy ways to cope with life's stressors and that loss can change you into someone who is stronger, more loving, more accepting, and someone who lives each and everyday to the fullest and never takes an opportunity for granted! My daughter at 15 has gained so much knowledge and passion at such a young age that she has shown me learning new things is always possible, you are only as old as you feel and that strength comes when you need it most.
Today we celebrate that she is still with us and still going strong despite those bad days. We celebrate the life she is learning to live despite the greatest loss she will ever face and we thank her angel for showing her that she needs to be here, that even with Morgan gone she is still her protector and her voice the same as she was while she was with us.
Today is a new day, and another year to heal and grow. <3
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
When Reality Hits Like a Bag of F*%King Bricks!!!
First off I am going to start with yes I am okay!
With less then a week till the angelversary of Morgan's suicide it is to be expected that stress will play a role in our day to day lives. Yesterday was no exception!
My day started of great, I got up took my supplements, ate and cleaned half the house. Then it went to productive, I worked on some pamphlets and information for our upcoming fundraiser and then it went to what the fuck just happened!
So let me go back a few nights and explain a few things so you kinda get where this all came from. So my C-PTSD showed it ugly side last week when I woke up in a cold sweat and my thigh burning from a nightmare. I was attacked from behind and was being dragged across a parking lot which resulted in my thigh getting road burn. May have been a dream but when I woke those scares on my thigh were burning like they were fresh. Nothing like jumping up out of bed at 5am and not knowing what the hell is going on. The only thing that calmed me was seeing my husband laying beside me still sleeping. I never did go back to sleep that day. Instead I poured my energy into getting things together for our announcement.
Fast forward a couple days and we come to yesterday. Bailey went to school to write her first exam. I did some work and checked her facebook. Yes I check it and I don't give a rats ass what anyone says she is my daughter and my job to protect her and I will do that till my last breath. So turns out Bailey didn't have a so good day. She almost relapsed and thank god no episode. I messaged and told her to get her ass home to which she didn't question.
Now what happens after she got home some will say I was harsh, some will say she needed it and some will think WTF did you do. So let me be clear, unless you have lived in my house and know the ins and outs of what we go through, sat in countless hours of therapy, counselling and doctors appointments YOU don't get to judge how we decide to handle tough things that come up in our lives. I know what is best and sometimes the whole protecting and baby our kids needs to stop. And yesterday was the hard cold facts or reality that she needed.
So Bailey wrote her first exam yesterday, last year she didn't have to but this year she did. She came home and I questioned her about her facebook messages and she started to reply with "I'm not prepared for exams, I broke down in tears at the end" to which I replied well you have been told that you need to focus on the task at hand and stop thinking forward. She then replied well its a week away .... and I said oh no you are NOT blaming your sister for your choices no more! Morgan isn't around to defend herself and no way in hell you are going to grow up with the poor me attitude or blaming your sister for your life choices! You see in this house the first time you do something wrong its a mistake, you continue that mistake and it is now a choice and YOU are responsible for the outcome! Did Bailey lose her twin to suicide YES, does that mean she gets to roll over and blame that on every bad day or poor choice NO! She is in control of what she does and how she feels. God knows she has done enough therapy in the last two years she could probably get a damn degree in it! Am I being cold heart, maybe to some but in our house NO! We all lost Morgan that day, we have all lost someone we love and we have all lost a part of ourselves but in no way are we victims! We are survivors and that is the mentality we need to keep going. Bailey has PTSD yes and I know when those signs are showing and yesterday was not one of them, yesterday was a high stress day with regular life and she almost allowed herself to give way to that and blame someone else for those actions, THAT IS NOT OKAY!! And I made damn sure she knew that. So how did her evening play out, just fine! She bucked up, ate supper, spend some time with dad and went to bed like she does every single night and today she is just fine, home listening to music and dancing.
So how did my day go to WTF well as a mom who has C-PTSD and finally had been diagnosed with BPD at 21 I have my own battles to fight. Last night for the first time in almost 16-17 years I literally could feel that reality slipping away from under me. NOT cool and NOT fun! I know I am not crazy, I know I have been through a lot of shit but I am not crazy. But last night holy hell I thought I was getting there! And then being open with husband he knew something was wrong and to try to explain how you feel that line of reality fade and its like your living in a dream world but there is no way to fight it made me sound like I was losing it. I told him I had a headache for two days and nights straight (yesterday it was gone) I was hungry but felt sick all day, and if I stopped and sat for any length of time it was like I had no control of where my mind went and I honestly though a break down was going to happen. The last time I had this feeling it was before I had the twins and I was more danger to myself then anyone ( or at least in my own head I thought I was) I haven't self harmed in YEARS and its not something I would think I would do. I don't drink, and I don't do drugs. I cant, because I know if days like yesterday happen it would be so easy to give into those weaknesses. For me that isn't an option.
HA writing this really makes me think my husband must have thought I was going crazy last night!
So on to what I did. Well I told him how I felt, and honestly I still don't know what would have made that happen yesterday. It honestly wasn't any more stressful then other days, in fact I have had so much worse days then yesterday that I was now starting to analyze myself. Ok I have done psychotherapy, the workshops and everything in the past so its just what I do is analyze and research. Yeah well this chick right here had NOTHING I couldn't for the life of me find anything that would have caused last night's episode and I was pissed! Never have I ever not been able to find the root of a problem or the cause of an action and I was NOT having it! So what did I do? Well I ate supper, cleaned up, and went up to read my book. I haven't picked up a book to read since Morgan died. So when Bailey went to bed I looked around and thought ok I am not losing my mind, I am tired! I am tired of fighting against every person who thinks we should be shutting our mouths about Morgan's suicide, Bailey's suicide attempt, her struggle with self harm, my struggle with self harm in the past, my husband's anxiety, my BPD, our PTSD, bullying and how it IS connected to domestic violence, mental illness and how people need to treat it the SAME WAY we do cancer and every other illness that cant KILL people, the fact that our human races has become so fucked in how we think and our priorities (gun rights over human lives, wild animals in cages, their natural instinct over a child's life, the fact that money and power are more important then compassion and empathy, how we fight for rights that should just be there like who we can love and marry, or that we have to fight for treatment to illnesses that shouldn't be killing our youth.) Yes I feel more deeply then the average person, I see things clearer then most people and I can look at a situation and figure out how to fix it and what the problem is. I cant help that! It is who I am and I cant keep blocking myself from that to make other people feel comfortable. So you see I wasn't losing my grasp with reality IN FACT my reality was making itself clear for the first time in YEARS and I was trying to suppress it.
This morning I got to talk some to a good friend and what she said is what made me realize that I have been living with so many walls up because I feel so much more then most people (Morgan was the same way) I attract the wrong people in herds and the good people in my life tend to be those who I never let go of so they have been with me for decades. So am I crazy?? Maybe in some ways but not mentally, I am just a mom who lost a part of my heart forever, a mom who fights everyday for the rights of my children and your children, I fight for the day when everyone can live without fear of who they are and what invisible illness they have, I fight for the day we all have access to the treatment we need when we need it so no others have to die from a treatable illness and I live for the day that everyone can have their opinion and not be judged for it, the day we can all say we agree to disagree but find a common ground to live together on without wanting to change everyone to who we are. Honestly if we were all the same it would be boring as hell! We are all individuals, we all have goals, hopes and dreams and we all deserve to live without fear of what others think about us.
It has taken me a long time to get to a point in my life that I don't give a rats ass what people think about me. How I look, feel and think is not anyone's business but what others think of me is none of my business, nor do I care. I am happy, I have my days but I am happy and that is all that matters. And it is all that should matter to you! If you are happy then nobody has the power to take that from you unless you give them that power. If that is the case it is time for you to take that back. Just as I have with mine <3 So yesterday it is safe so say my reality hit and it hit hard lol. Today I pick myself up, dust it off and start letting that reality make its way through my life again. Oh and I will warn you, I have been through a lot of shit, and I mean a lot..... so reality coming back full force means those who get in my way with what I want may not know what hit them...... just ask those who have had the pleasure of dealing with my determination if you need to know what your up against ;)
Now time for music and a good hard core workout! Love you all who have stood by my side and who continue to, you mean more to me then you will ever know <3
With less then a week till the angelversary of Morgan's suicide it is to be expected that stress will play a role in our day to day lives. Yesterday was no exception!
My day started of great, I got up took my supplements, ate and cleaned half the house. Then it went to productive, I worked on some pamphlets and information for our upcoming fundraiser and then it went to what the fuck just happened!
So let me go back a few nights and explain a few things so you kinda get where this all came from. So my C-PTSD showed it ugly side last week when I woke up in a cold sweat and my thigh burning from a nightmare. I was attacked from behind and was being dragged across a parking lot which resulted in my thigh getting road burn. May have been a dream but when I woke those scares on my thigh were burning like they were fresh. Nothing like jumping up out of bed at 5am and not knowing what the hell is going on. The only thing that calmed me was seeing my husband laying beside me still sleeping. I never did go back to sleep that day. Instead I poured my energy into getting things together for our announcement.
Fast forward a couple days and we come to yesterday. Bailey went to school to write her first exam. I did some work and checked her facebook. Yes I check it and I don't give a rats ass what anyone says she is my daughter and my job to protect her and I will do that till my last breath. So turns out Bailey didn't have a so good day. She almost relapsed and thank god no episode. I messaged and told her to get her ass home to which she didn't question.
Now what happens after she got home some will say I was harsh, some will say she needed it and some will think WTF did you do. So let me be clear, unless you have lived in my house and know the ins and outs of what we go through, sat in countless hours of therapy, counselling and doctors appointments YOU don't get to judge how we decide to handle tough things that come up in our lives. I know what is best and sometimes the whole protecting and baby our kids needs to stop. And yesterday was the hard cold facts or reality that she needed.
So Bailey wrote her first exam yesterday, last year she didn't have to but this year she did. She came home and I questioned her about her facebook messages and she started to reply with "I'm not prepared for exams, I broke down in tears at the end" to which I replied well you have been told that you need to focus on the task at hand and stop thinking forward. She then replied well its a week away .... and I said oh no you are NOT blaming your sister for your choices no more! Morgan isn't around to defend herself and no way in hell you are going to grow up with the poor me attitude or blaming your sister for your life choices! You see in this house the first time you do something wrong its a mistake, you continue that mistake and it is now a choice and YOU are responsible for the outcome! Did Bailey lose her twin to suicide YES, does that mean she gets to roll over and blame that on every bad day or poor choice NO! She is in control of what she does and how she feels. God knows she has done enough therapy in the last two years she could probably get a damn degree in it! Am I being cold heart, maybe to some but in our house NO! We all lost Morgan that day, we have all lost someone we love and we have all lost a part of ourselves but in no way are we victims! We are survivors and that is the mentality we need to keep going. Bailey has PTSD yes and I know when those signs are showing and yesterday was not one of them, yesterday was a high stress day with regular life and she almost allowed herself to give way to that and blame someone else for those actions, THAT IS NOT OKAY!! And I made damn sure she knew that. So how did her evening play out, just fine! She bucked up, ate supper, spend some time with dad and went to bed like she does every single night and today she is just fine, home listening to music and dancing.
So how did my day go to WTF well as a mom who has C-PTSD and finally had been diagnosed with BPD at 21 I have my own battles to fight. Last night for the first time in almost 16-17 years I literally could feel that reality slipping away from under me. NOT cool and NOT fun! I know I am not crazy, I know I have been through a lot of shit but I am not crazy. But last night holy hell I thought I was getting there! And then being open with husband he knew something was wrong and to try to explain how you feel that line of reality fade and its like your living in a dream world but there is no way to fight it made me sound like I was losing it. I told him I had a headache for two days and nights straight (yesterday it was gone) I was hungry but felt sick all day, and if I stopped and sat for any length of time it was like I had no control of where my mind went and I honestly though a break down was going to happen. The last time I had this feeling it was before I had the twins and I was more danger to myself then anyone ( or at least in my own head I thought I was) I haven't self harmed in YEARS and its not something I would think I would do. I don't drink, and I don't do drugs. I cant, because I know if days like yesterday happen it would be so easy to give into those weaknesses. For me that isn't an option.
HA writing this really makes me think my husband must have thought I was going crazy last night!
So on to what I did. Well I told him how I felt, and honestly I still don't know what would have made that happen yesterday. It honestly wasn't any more stressful then other days, in fact I have had so much worse days then yesterday that I was now starting to analyze myself. Ok I have done psychotherapy, the workshops and everything in the past so its just what I do is analyze and research. Yeah well this chick right here had NOTHING I couldn't for the life of me find anything that would have caused last night's episode and I was pissed! Never have I ever not been able to find the root of a problem or the cause of an action and I was NOT having it! So what did I do? Well I ate supper, cleaned up, and went up to read my book. I haven't picked up a book to read since Morgan died. So when Bailey went to bed I looked around and thought ok I am not losing my mind, I am tired! I am tired of fighting against every person who thinks we should be shutting our mouths about Morgan's suicide, Bailey's suicide attempt, her struggle with self harm, my struggle with self harm in the past, my husband's anxiety, my BPD, our PTSD, bullying and how it IS connected to domestic violence, mental illness and how people need to treat it the SAME WAY we do cancer and every other illness that cant KILL people, the fact that our human races has become so fucked in how we think and our priorities (gun rights over human lives, wild animals in cages, their natural instinct over a child's life, the fact that money and power are more important then compassion and empathy, how we fight for rights that should just be there like who we can love and marry, or that we have to fight for treatment to illnesses that shouldn't be killing our youth.) Yes I feel more deeply then the average person, I see things clearer then most people and I can look at a situation and figure out how to fix it and what the problem is. I cant help that! It is who I am and I cant keep blocking myself from that to make other people feel comfortable. So you see I wasn't losing my grasp with reality IN FACT my reality was making itself clear for the first time in YEARS and I was trying to suppress it.
This morning I got to talk some to a good friend and what she said is what made me realize that I have been living with so many walls up because I feel so much more then most people (Morgan was the same way) I attract the wrong people in herds and the good people in my life tend to be those who I never let go of so they have been with me for decades. So am I crazy?? Maybe in some ways but not mentally, I am just a mom who lost a part of my heart forever, a mom who fights everyday for the rights of my children and your children, I fight for the day when everyone can live without fear of who they are and what invisible illness they have, I fight for the day we all have access to the treatment we need when we need it so no others have to die from a treatable illness and I live for the day that everyone can have their opinion and not be judged for it, the day we can all say we agree to disagree but find a common ground to live together on without wanting to change everyone to who we are. Honestly if we were all the same it would be boring as hell! We are all individuals, we all have goals, hopes and dreams and we all deserve to live without fear of what others think about us.
It has taken me a long time to get to a point in my life that I don't give a rats ass what people think about me. How I look, feel and think is not anyone's business but what others think of me is none of my business, nor do I care. I am happy, I have my days but I am happy and that is all that matters. And it is all that should matter to you! If you are happy then nobody has the power to take that from you unless you give them that power. If that is the case it is time for you to take that back. Just as I have with mine <3 So yesterday it is safe so say my reality hit and it hit hard lol. Today I pick myself up, dust it off and start letting that reality make its way through my life again. Oh and I will warn you, I have been through a lot of shit, and I mean a lot..... so reality coming back full force means those who get in my way with what I want may not know what hit them...... just ask those who have had the pleasure of dealing with my determination if you need to know what your up against ;)
Now time for music and a good hard core workout! Love you all who have stood by my side and who continue to, you mean more to me then you will ever know <3
Monday, June 20, 2016
Changes
I realized today it has been a long time since writing my last blog and figured I should start back at it. So much has happened in the last few months that I need to clear my mind and get back on track. Not just with my writing but with everything that we have going on in our lives.
So much has happened! Both good and a few bad things, but that is life.
Back in February Bailey was crowned Miss Teenage Fort Saskatchewan 2016 in regional. Since then she has been busy with volunteering and showing up at events within our city. She is enjoying her title and looking forward to nationals in Toronto this July. She has met some amazing girls who have helped in so many ways.
We have moved out of Greg's parents place and into a place of our own and have been busy making the changes needed to declutter and organize our home. It is smaller then we have had in the past but it is just the three of us now so it works.
We have started working out and weight training together as a family and watching what we are eating. This was needed for our physical and our mental health. We have all had our issues with sleeping and weight gain with the stress level being up so we felt our lives needed a change. This is where change is a good thing! Exercise is so beneficial to our healing and our health that it was a no brainer to start doing it. Bailey has had her weeks where she isn't pushing herself but with the stress of exams and the second angelversary of Morgan's suicide coming up it is understandable. Greg has been doing great and is making progress and I am learning that no matter what my age, weight training can be done!
Last month Fort McMurray seen a city wide evacuation due to an out of control wild fire that sent us into panic waiting to hear our son made it out safely. Once we did we were able to stop and think how can we help. Bailey did well raising money for the Red Cross and local stops that the evacuees where making on the way down to Edmonton. The city has since started the heal and rebuilding process and even my brother and his crew from work back east came out to help. It was great being able to see my brother again after almost three years of being away from home.
On our path to healing we have had road bumps, episodes and good times. While nothing will ever bring back Morgan then work we continue to do to help others and fight for changes keeps us going in the right direction. Morgan I know is proud of all we have been able to do in such a short amount of time. This September we are finally hosting our first major fundraiser in the form of a concert. We have four local artists who will be performing and all have worked to stop bullying and change the way others see mental health so it is a perfect fit. The money raised will be for getting some projects off the ground and also to help Robb Nash Project which is amazing!!! |Our target age will be 12 and up and we hope that parents will come to see what all we have to offer.
So many changes and so many more to come. So many fear change but I have come to welcome it as a part of life. Nothing stays the same for long and we have to learn to adapt and continue on. This is how we survive and how we grow as individuals. We have to or we get stuck and then we have an even harder time being able to function and deal with the everyday stresses of life.
I have come to see its not about forgetting and carrying on as if nothing has happened but learning to accept fate and accept it as part of who we are. Losing a child is unbearable but it is now part of who I am. I am a suicide loss survivor and that, I can not change. No matter what happens, no matter what I do or say and no matter where I am that is a part of who I am and I have come to accept that. I will have hard days, easy days and days I wish would just end, but it is how I choose to get through them and how I choose to think that makes the difference in fighting or giving up. In my life, giving up is not an option! Nor will it be for my family. We are fighters and I will fight everyday if I have to.
Learning to live again wasn't easy and I will never expect someone to be able to just pick up the shattered pieces of their lives and carry on like nothing has happened but learning to accept those broken pieces as part of who you are is important and vital in learning to live again. Smiling and laughing at first seem hard and you worry others will think you have forgotten when you haven't but you learn to smile and laugh again because it is part of healing and continuing on with our lives.
Nobody can tell you what is right or what will work for you. They can offer support and love but they cant tell you what will help heal that pain for you. Grief is a journey that is as unique and each one of us. All I can say is keep going and seek out those who support and love you for you and you will be okay. It may take months or even years but you will be okay.
I have learnt that when you are faced with unimaginable circumstances you find those who are true to you and those who will want to take advantage of the situation. Some will not know how to talk to you anymore fearing they will say the wrong thing, many will want to help but not know how and some will even try to make everything about them. You know what that is okay, and why I say that is because that is about them not you! The only thing we can control is ourselves, our own actions and our own thoughts. Those around us will eventually see they cant change who we are and they will move on.
So what has the last few months shown me? Well they have shown me I am stronger then I ever was before. Both mentally and emotionally. It has shown me that I am not responsible for how others see me or how they think. I am who I am and no matter what I go through in life my children, grandbabies (oh yeah number two in due in November) and my husband come first, and that those around me who cause me stress and worry are not worth my energy. I am stronger and I am who I am and nothing will change that. I have seen my daughter fall and pick herself up and keep going so I know my strength is in her and she will be okay. That and we are far to stubborn to stay down!
To you I hope you all find that strength inside you to keep fighting. I can't promise it will be easy but I do promise it will be worth it!
So much has happened! Both good and a few bad things, but that is life.
Back in February Bailey was crowned Miss Teenage Fort Saskatchewan 2016 in regional. Since then she has been busy with volunteering and showing up at events within our city. She is enjoying her title and looking forward to nationals in Toronto this July. She has met some amazing girls who have helped in so many ways.
We have moved out of Greg's parents place and into a place of our own and have been busy making the changes needed to declutter and organize our home. It is smaller then we have had in the past but it is just the three of us now so it works.
We have started working out and weight training together as a family and watching what we are eating. This was needed for our physical and our mental health. We have all had our issues with sleeping and weight gain with the stress level being up so we felt our lives needed a change. This is where change is a good thing! Exercise is so beneficial to our healing and our health that it was a no brainer to start doing it. Bailey has had her weeks where she isn't pushing herself but with the stress of exams and the second angelversary of Morgan's suicide coming up it is understandable. Greg has been doing great and is making progress and I am learning that no matter what my age, weight training can be done!
Last month Fort McMurray seen a city wide evacuation due to an out of control wild fire that sent us into panic waiting to hear our son made it out safely. Once we did we were able to stop and think how can we help. Bailey did well raising money for the Red Cross and local stops that the evacuees where making on the way down to Edmonton. The city has since started the heal and rebuilding process and even my brother and his crew from work back east came out to help. It was great being able to see my brother again after almost three years of being away from home.
On our path to healing we have had road bumps, episodes and good times. While nothing will ever bring back Morgan then work we continue to do to help others and fight for changes keeps us going in the right direction. Morgan I know is proud of all we have been able to do in such a short amount of time. This September we are finally hosting our first major fundraiser in the form of a concert. We have four local artists who will be performing and all have worked to stop bullying and change the way others see mental health so it is a perfect fit. The money raised will be for getting some projects off the ground and also to help Robb Nash Project which is amazing!!! |Our target age will be 12 and up and we hope that parents will come to see what all we have to offer.
So many changes and so many more to come. So many fear change but I have come to welcome it as a part of life. Nothing stays the same for long and we have to learn to adapt and continue on. This is how we survive and how we grow as individuals. We have to or we get stuck and then we have an even harder time being able to function and deal with the everyday stresses of life.
I have come to see its not about forgetting and carrying on as if nothing has happened but learning to accept fate and accept it as part of who we are. Losing a child is unbearable but it is now part of who I am. I am a suicide loss survivor and that, I can not change. No matter what happens, no matter what I do or say and no matter where I am that is a part of who I am and I have come to accept that. I will have hard days, easy days and days I wish would just end, but it is how I choose to get through them and how I choose to think that makes the difference in fighting or giving up. In my life, giving up is not an option! Nor will it be for my family. We are fighters and I will fight everyday if I have to.
Learning to live again wasn't easy and I will never expect someone to be able to just pick up the shattered pieces of their lives and carry on like nothing has happened but learning to accept those broken pieces as part of who you are is important and vital in learning to live again. Smiling and laughing at first seem hard and you worry others will think you have forgotten when you haven't but you learn to smile and laugh again because it is part of healing and continuing on with our lives.
Nobody can tell you what is right or what will work for you. They can offer support and love but they cant tell you what will help heal that pain for you. Grief is a journey that is as unique and each one of us. All I can say is keep going and seek out those who support and love you for you and you will be okay. It may take months or even years but you will be okay.
I have learnt that when you are faced with unimaginable circumstances you find those who are true to you and those who will want to take advantage of the situation. Some will not know how to talk to you anymore fearing they will say the wrong thing, many will want to help but not know how and some will even try to make everything about them. You know what that is okay, and why I say that is because that is about them not you! The only thing we can control is ourselves, our own actions and our own thoughts. Those around us will eventually see they cant change who we are and they will move on.
So what has the last few months shown me? Well they have shown me I am stronger then I ever was before. Both mentally and emotionally. It has shown me that I am not responsible for how others see me or how they think. I am who I am and no matter what I go through in life my children, grandbabies (oh yeah number two in due in November) and my husband come first, and that those around me who cause me stress and worry are not worth my energy. I am stronger and I am who I am and nothing will change that. I have seen my daughter fall and pick herself up and keep going so I know my strength is in her and she will be okay. That and we are far to stubborn to stay down!
To you I hope you all find that strength inside you to keep fighting. I can't promise it will be easy but I do promise it will be worth it!
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