Self Harm - Coping or Attention Seeking

It would seem self harm is a growing "trend" in today teens but is it a trend or a coping method many use to deal with issues they are yet to understand.

Truth be told unless you have raised a teen who self harms/ed or as a teen you self harmed you will never fully understand the reasons behind self harming.

So what is self harm. Self harm is basically anything that intentionally hurts the individual, cutting, burning, and even pulling hair out can be a form of self harm. You also need to watch for things that will hurt their self esteem, some have used hair cutting, piercing, tattooing as form of getting mental pain out. I know hard to imagine how a teen chopping their hair off could be seen as mental pain relief but it happens.

So lets get to coping or attention seeking. Anyone who has ever self harmed will tell you that after they did it they feel ashamed and more often then not they hide it. It is not something that they walk around telling everyone or showing everyone. Why because its not for others it is for themselves. Are there teens/youth who do it for what adult say is attention? Sure but my question is if they are hurting themselves for attention then what is the reason they are seeking attention in the first place! Are they lacking attention at home, do they feel they are not as popular as someone else (self esteem issues) or do they feel the need to do it to fit in (again self esteem issues) so is it really for attention or is it a deeper issue that may not be a mental illness.

Self harming seems to be more openly talked about now because of social media. More and more are being open about it and more are talking about it. So like anything else there will be teens/youth who try it to see if it really does help with the emotional and mental pains they cant explain. Does it mean it will become their coping method? No. But it does mean that as a parent you need to talk to your child and find out what is going on and what is causing them to seek out methods to cope with their life and what is happening in it. You need to ask those tough questions about peers, look at your home life and what has been happening and look at the pressures that your child has on them.

One thing that really bothers me is those who say of you self harm you are suicidal. NO it does not mean they are. YES there are those who are suicidal that self harm and YES self harming is dangerous and can result in injury that can be life threatening. Either by cutting to deep or even from an onset of infection.

So how do we deal with it as parents. Well for one if you don't understand or cant imagine doing it do not make them feel like they are stupid or crazy because they are self harming as a form of coping. Don't make them feel and think their problems are no big deal, this will only make them feel worse and make the problem worse and shut down any communication you have with them. Is it scary to think something is wrong that this is what they are doing YES and fear is something that can cause us as parent to react out of fear without thinking. You can NOT do this! This will cause your child to go back into their shell and not want to tell you if something gets worse or cause them to self harm even more.  You need to remember not to put your fears on them, they are our fears and our problems NOT your child's. Children today have enough stress and pressure on them and they don't need the added stress of adults problems.

How do we help? Well we can stay calm when talking to them, listen to hear and not to respond, and be supportive. Ask them what you can do to help them stop, ask if they need to seek treatment or therapy, ask what is happening at school, with friends, or in their life in general. Be active in their lives so you know their friends and what's happening with their friends. Yes our children need privacy but as a parent you have a job to know what your child is doing, who they are with and where they are. Look for personality changes, changes in clothing (long sleeves in summer), changes in appearance in general and ask yourself if they are "typical teen" changes or is there more going on. Nobody does better detective work then a mad or worried parent so make use of it!

Its not easy when you are dealing with someone who self harms. they are already fragile and you need to walk on basically egg shells to keep from pushing them the wrong way. It not easy and it is not fun by any stretch of the imagination. As a parent of two who self harmed (one who is no longer with us & one who is 5 months clean) it is a very fine line you have to walk and you never know what may be a trigger to start the self harm again. For some it can even become an addiction and then you are dealing with a whole set of other issues. That can be even more challenging as a parent.

As someone who self harmed as a teen for years it is not a fight that just disappears when you get older. It is like any other illness that can show its ugly head at any time to make you struggle and push you mentally. Nobody will fully understand the reason why people self harm. Honestly there are many reasons, copying, not being able to understand the mental pain but being able to understand physical pain, to feel in control of your feelings and body, to want a release from everything you struggle with or they have disassociated themselves so they don't even realize they are doing it.

Unless you have been there then you cant understand, and unless you are will to be open to understanding how someone can intentionally hurt themselves then please don't say anything to make them feel worse then they already do. You can not judge someone's struggles and you can not compare them to anyone else. We ALL cope and deal with things differently and that is our right.

So before you go judging someone for self harming ( and yes that even means those who self harm and judging others for their choice to self harm) ask them if there is something you can help them with. Be an option for their coping not a reason for their coping.

Life Changes

Its been a busy and exciting few weeks in our lives. A move, new jobs, new experiences and new connections to friends. If anything I should know first hand a phone call or a moment can change your life forever and send you down a whole new path in life. Honestly, for me it's like just when you think you have settled into your life after a change something else comes along to send us on a wild ride. So for me this is just another adventure on this road called life.

Like everything I have ever been through I always find peace in music and the last three weeks have been no different. I have been able to met new people who have brought new music into my life, many songs of which I or Bailey can relate to personally.

So let's break it down shall we! So the middle of July my husband got a call with a job offer on a site just outside of Edmonton. Well of course he is going to take it, I mean who wouldn't take a Monday to Friday job! Not only did it get us out of Fort McMurray but also closer to the editor for the website/magazine that Bailey is now writing for. So for us it didn't take much thinking to say yes to the move.

Moving in itself is always stressful but when you are packing and sorting and needing it to be done in two weeks it is even more stressful! We made the decision to store our things and stay in my in-laws for a bit. We figure this will give us time to find the right location for our family and get some debts paid and money saved after the financial crisis we were faced with in the last year. So lots of changes just in that one decision.

Then we add the job Bailey has been given the opportunity to have. She is now the Teen Beat writer for Starlight Music Chronicles which has already in its short time connected her (and us) to artists and other writers who have a personal connection to our goals with Morgan's Mission. She has been introduced to local artists Bryan Finlay who has a personal connection to bullying and writes about it in his song Bulletproof, Shay Esposito who speaks about her battles with bullying and mental illness in her songs I See Everything and Medication, the band Rend with their song Scars and many others. The chief editor and creator behind SMC also has a very personal connection to suicide as she lost her cousin to suicide a few years ago which gives her and our family a personal connection like nothing anyone could ever imagine. Candice Marshall has a heart of gold and knows the importance to making these issues known to everyone.
 
So while all these changes have been happening and yes they are all positive and good changes we are often left with the question how is everyone adjusting. Well Bailey will take time and the true test will be when school starts before we will know for sure how she has adjusted to the move. For Greg, well he is happy to be out of an isolated town that seen his daughter leave us way too soon. And for me I am torn. While I know so many things that are happening are all good and that change can be good I am left thinking this is the first major decision we have had to make since Morgan ended her life and its hard. I feel a connection to Fort McMurray that will never go away. It is where the first major change happened for our family but also the city which Morgan was last a part of our family physically and that means I will always feel a push pull connection to Fort McMurray.

Reality is Fort McMurray is an amazing community with support that went above and beyond what I ever expected for my family after the loss we faced but I also know that resources Bailey needs in her life are not there on a full time basis and that isn't something we can live with. I will always be grateful for the community and will always continue to fight for the resources they need but for my family we need to have those close at hand for Bailey now.

So now we yet again will adjust to life changes and take each obstacle as it comes like every other one that has been thrown at us in the last couple years. There will be rough times and patches, but there will also be good times and exciting opportunities to make it worth the choice we made. So in the words of Bryan Finlay "Nothing good can last forever so live it up while we can" (Live It Up) and honestly at this point in my life it is the best advise I have heard in a song so for me that is just what I am going to do!